Aibu to not let exp see son if he doesn't pay maintenance(43 Posts)
Quick background. We have been together on and off for 6years (We never lived together) all ways said he hair savings (good job) and a yr before I fell pregnant said he bought a house. All turned out to be lies! Said he had a gambling problem but never seen any evidence of this think that was a lie to! None of this came out until round about 20wk scan when u wanted to start buying things for baby. And he couldn't buy anything! I forgave him and decided to try and move on. The lies never stopped even over stupid things that didn't need to be lied about he would just randomly make stuff up for no reason! I had planned on moving in together to be a family that never happened! Fast forward to ds coming up to his 1st and I've had enough. Can count on both hands the amount of times he's contributed to the financial cost or bringing up ds. At the beginning he came every weeekend to see ds and that got less and less and he would blame me. Because I didn't txt or call him on said day. When he knew I was expecting cause already been spoke about. I have always asked for help with money to buy stuff for ds and it was always yes no prob I'll give xyz on x but would always have an excuse he forgot it, his card isn't working, he put in the wrong details when trying to transfer it etc etc. So ds 1st birthday was coming up 6wks before I had a chat said it was acceptable to carry on this way. That he need to stick to days to see ds and pay maintenance regularly! And if this didn't happen then he should just walk away and never come back. Because it's not fair in ds. And I said that this is what would happen if he didnt. He agreed and also agreed to pay to months back money for the amount we had agreed said he had it. (Which he should) would make regular payments the 1st of every month. He said he would bring the back money next wknd. That wknd came and gone he apologised. He said next wknd 100% ok that's fine. As expected still nothing. So I stoped responding. Eventually just before ds birthday he transferred the2 months back money we agreed to. Let him come and see ds. After that nothing so I said no to visits. He hardly asks. Think it's only if he's not put with friends etc. Stoped replying to txt/calls etc so he turned up at house I said no he couldn't see ds. And said he had to set up direct-debit before he could. Said he did this but because all he does is lie I said not until it's actually went into my account he set it up for the next month so again he was missing the month he was in. Gets to date I say he can see ds on x date date after money suppose to be transferred. All agreed. Surprise surprise no money. He txt me to ask what time to come over I said don't bother. He said it had came out and was coming over to show he did. Waved his phone in front of my face and said he called the bank and it would be in my account on the Monday. But the money had left his etc etc. I knew it was lies. But said ok well u can see him. Monday. He left angry obviously. Monday came and went. that was weeks ago and still nothing. So aibu to think you either help raise ds emotionally and financially or not at all? Because my dad did that to me would only see him birthday and xmas same month and that was it. I don't want the for my ds I think I would of been better not seeing my dad at all! My ds doesn't even know his dad. So is it not best to cut contact just now? Again exp has good job there should be nothing stopping him. He says he wants to see him and help but then it never happens. Apart from when he feels like turning up ! Sorry it's so long didn't want to drip feed and I've ended up rambling!
Would also like to add. I would love nothing more than for my ds to have a relationship and bond with his dad.
Why have you done the maintenance officially through the child maintenance service.
I can understand you using the two as connected, but I really wouldn't. Be grateful that he wants to have a relationship with your child.
Make an application for maintenance and then keep that separate to the visits.
YABU - one thing has nothing to do with another
Just my opinion of course
I think toy need to go through the official channels now. He clearly will not pay regularly for his child. However I have to say it doesn't sit well to me that you are stopping contact over money. It sounds like you have actually reduced the contact because of money, so it was your choice not his to see your ds less. I don't think the comparison to your own father is fair as you are stopping him from seeing your child.
I think start again. Go to child maintenence service and get it sorted officially. Then give him the chance to have regular contact with your ds. The money is obviously a contentious issue and it needs sorting before trying again with contact.
Thanks for the replies. I want nothing more than for my son to have a good relationship with his dad! I would like to make that clear! Because I never had that. U want him to have a real dad!
To answer questions no i haven't because he said he wanted to keep it between us. So he could pay less and I think he thought I would give up! Like I usually do. That's why it's still going on but not backing down this time and I will be contacting them.
And he doesn't was a relationship because he only turns up when he feels like it for 30mins/1hr and leave because he's annoyed ds won't go to him.
A month can go by without hearing from or seeing him. So I don't feel as if I'm really stopping him from seeing him because he doesn't really turn up anyway?
You need to go through CMS.
Children are not pay per view and you can't conflate one with the other.
I agree you need to separate the two go through cmo to get money and set up regular visits no more arguing
Yes I agree but he won't stick to regular planned weekly visits either?
Well it's not the done thing on MN but l absolutely would stop contact if he wasn't paying at least something towards his child. If he wanted a relationship with ds he'd find a way to get that money.
That's not the same thing as maintenance though.
Thank you fourtofloor all I want if is for him to come and have regular visits get to know ds and have a relationship with him. And also pay something to his up bringing. And not him popping in and out when he feels like it. I don't think it's much to ask! I only stopped him turning up when he felt like it. thinking it would make him realise that it's him that's missing out and he would sort him self out and stop lying and realise what he's doing isn't ok and that I wasn't going to be ok with it anymore. Before ds gets older and realised his dad only cares when he wants a to. But it's kind of back fired cause he's stopped altogether now!
ausernotanumber I should of explained what I meant better and not just wrote about the money.
It doesn't matter. Either way, whether he sees DS or not, you are entitled to that money. He is legally obligated to help provide and you should have that money regardless.
As far as contact is concerned, you can't make him turn up to contact. All the willin the world from you won't do that. Your obligation under court (assume contact is court ordered? If not, it should be ) is to make your DS available at the set time. That is all. There is no way to make him turn up.
As PP have said go through the official channels they can take it directly from his wages.
If he has Parental Responsibility and is on the Birth Certificate you must not use his financial contribution to affect his relationship with his child. It is your child's Human Right to know his family, it doesn't sound like he is in danger of abuse. What you can do is set aside specific time and dates for contact to happen so that they can build a relationship for under 5s short but frequent contact is best (2x hours 3xa week) this could be done at a soft play centre etc.
If this goes to court and you haven't let your child see his father because of finances it will not go well for you.
Should add, you log everything in a diary. If he doesn't attend the preset dates/times then that's on him.
At a soft play area (or park in summer) because it's important to keep your own space for you so avoid visits at home, it's easier for the 2 of them to play whilst you sit with a book and tea/coffee and if he doesn't show up then DS still gets a nice play.
Children are not pay per view and you can't conflate one with the other.
Phone CMS first thing Monday in regards to maintenance.
No there is no court order. And I will be contacting cms.
And no I haven't stopped contact because he won't pay the main reason is because he doesn't turn up and I don't hear from him for weeks at a time in the past 3 months I've had 2 txts where he spelled ds name wrong and and he's just turned up once so it's only really twice I've stopped him the day he turned up about the bank transfer and one other occasion. So apart from they 2 times it's his OWN fault he hasn't seen ds and his OWN fault ds doesn't know him. It's me that would chase him to come visit or meet some where. And never pushed for any financial help so that he would at least come and see him. But he didn't anyway to I've had enough. That he thinks it's ok to turn up once in a blue moon to see ds and gets angry when i explain why ds isn't pleased or doesn't want him to pick him up or to go over and see him. So he leaves. How is ds suppose to build a relationship with someone that doesn't turn up? Princesshairymclary?
Princesshairymclary thats a good idea about keeping a log I will start to do that thank you.
You need, as has been said, to keep a record of every time he doesn't turn up. Get a small diary and record it or note it on your phone.
I feel for you op, went through similar with my dd1 dad. Tried to keep maintenance between us but slowly dwindled out and now don't get a penny! Have gone through csa but because he is self employed he wangles it so he doesn't pay a parent! at the same time his visits with dd1 get few and far between to the point that now she's lucky if she sees him once a year but unfortunately when he does make that contact to see her once in a blue moon I do still allow even though it's not regular and he pays nothing! She is 11 now though and we split up when she was born so I've had this for so long, my parents always wanted me to stop contact but I never did because at the end of the day they are their dad no matter how shot they are and the last thing you want is them resenting you when they are older stating you stopped them seeing their dad because that is how it will end up been twistedwhen they are old enough they will understand and see that they did nothing for them financially or emotionally. My dd is now beginning to see this and although she still agrees to see him she stopped asking for this a few years ago and now she doesn't even mention him between visits. It's still fucks me off now but less so although I have to say that when I got with my current partner the fact he pays weekly maintenance on time every week used to make me madder dd dad doesn't but again that's now passed and I've accepted again. It's probably not want you want to hear but please don't give him a reason to twist it to your fault there has been no contact when your ds is older x
I will definitely be doing that from now on don't know why I didn't think of it before
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