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I dont know what to do....

(4 Posts)
g059902 Thu 13-Oct-16 00:11:22

My ex left my children and I 10 weeks ago. I have 2 children, 1 who is 5 (ex is not the biological dad) and 1 who is 12 months. I am heartbroken. Was heartbroken. All I ever wanted was a family, and I believed we could have the fairy tale. We discussed how i didn't think it was right but he begged and pleaded with me to keep the baby; promised he would never leave and that he would always work hard to keep his family together. (we hadn't been together for long, he is younger etc etc)
He left basically because he wasn't/couldn't/didn't want to pull his weight around the family home including general chores; mowing the lawn; getting up with the children in the mornings; spending time together as a family. He was much happier going to work in the evenings to his bar job and going out afterwards resulting in him getting home later and later and later. I dealt with the children in the mornings and started work at 10am (thankfully work from home) while he would eventually get himself up, sometimes ready for me to work and other times not, in which case sometimes I couldn't work or if I had to would have to hope the children occupied themselves for a short while. When he did get up he was moody and would happily sit in front of the TV most of the day barely engaging with the children.
I tried so hard to keep the family together. I loved him, I maintained and kept a family home, and importantly ensured the children were happy, healthy and loved. I gave him everything, emotionally, physically, financially, mentally. I offered him "days off" throughout the week when things started getting hard in hopes it would help with his moods/tiredness.
One month we were happy and I thought in love, the next we argued more and more and eventually, he just left to move into his dads where he still is. Within a week he had a new girlfriend (the day before my bday) and completely shut down on me, he didn't want to communicate with me at all about our relationship or saving the family, at the time I didn't know it was because he was in a new relationship and then when I found out I was so angry. And I am still now. We were so so happy at one point, and had everything we needed and wanted, or so I thought.
I have gradually got my head around the fact that he definitely doesn't, or perhaps never truly loved me. I feel used, he begged me to have his baby and give him a family, and I did just that, and I feel he has thrown it back in my face without a second thought, all the while with a big smile on his face and a new gf in tow.
I have tried to maintain and allow contact with both children. Sometimes he hasn't turned up; other times late; once hungover and stinking like a pub (after being out the night before with his new girlfriend); he has been rude; abusive; disrespectful; unreliable; unhelpful...basically focusing more on his new life then the family he left behind, importantly the children. He wants to have the children on Tuesday and Wednesday when he is off work and the rest of the week does not participate in their lives in any way shape or form. My 5 year old used to ring and send voice notes, until he got no response so that stopped. He only works in the evenings, so theoretically could do a lot more, especially with the baby but seems to be happy with the 2 days he sees them.
Its been a terrible 2 months. I do not believe he is a: fit to be their dad anymore (not just because he has left because of his behavior) b: deserves them in his life c: should be able to have all week "free" and pop in their lives for 2 days of the week - some how this is acceptable??

Anyway, after much tooing and froing of visiting times and days which haven't always been stuck do as I mentioned, I have (against every fibre in my body as a parent and as an ex) allowed the children with him since Tuesday after school, until Thursday AM when he drops the 5 year old at school and returns the baby to me.
First day - picked up 5 yr old from school, traveled 2 hours to get back to where his dad lives; left my 5 year old with his dads GF to go and collect the baby from nursery. By the time he arrived back to where he is staying, the 5 year old had been fed dinner and put to bed by his dads GF. Furthermore, my 5 year old then had to move beds because the baby and him are staying in the same room and obvs babe was waking him up, once baby was settled, he was moved back again. He wasn't read his normal bed time story which upset him and when I tried to talk to him on the phone the call was ended after only a few mins for no real reason other then him telling my 5 year old he needed his phone.
Follwing morning - 5 year old 35 mins late to school and arrived in floods of tears without his school bag which had been left on the bus! Brilliant! I tried ringing all morning to say good morning - phone calls ignored and then phone eventually turned off.
Baby due at nursery at 1pm. Finally get a text to tell me 5 year old got to school ok. (really??) and that the baby was not well so not taking to nursery. When I replied via text to find out what was wrong with her - no response until 1.30pm when I called and he finally answered to which he tells me baby has a fever. The baby is teething, I imagine that is what is wrong with her and so no reason not to go to nursery however, he tells me he isn't taking her and hangs up on me. Fine for him, I am the one that pays for the childcare at £40 per session!
Speak to the 5 year old after school who was tired on the phone after his massively early morning and 1 hour going to bed late the night before but seemed in good spirits, especially as his fav bag had been relocated!
When asked what he and the baby had for breakfast, found out the baby was not fed breakfast and as the ex wouldn't have got home until gone 10am - she wouldn't have wanted it at that time and would have had her morning bottle and gone for her nap. Perhaps that why she was grizzly!
They didn't go to football club this evening.
All in all - not a good few days!

As I have said I have tried to accommodate...offering set times to which he agreed - that lasted a week the final day (after a few late turn ups) was the smelling of booze incident and so I ended that arrangement. Following 2 weeks agreed he could have them whenever he wanted...and then realized that wasn't working for the children or me...ok for him but no one else...then on the Saturday of the baby's first birthday I had planned a lovely day out (to which he was invited) declined due to "having to work"...personally, I believe it is because he had an event after work he wanted to attend...and then the following weekend (the first weekend he has had off since the baby was born) he decides to take his new GF to the place we had our first date and spent the whole weekend with her not his children.
As you can see I still have some issues around the new GF.
He has already had the children around her; posted pics on social media with her in the background and of course she likes all of his posts relating to my children! I have tried to tell him (while I was calm and not angry) my feelings around this to which is blatantly ignored and went ahead and done whatever he likes anyway.

Basically, after this 2 days that he has the children I don't know what to do for the best. I feel like my judgement as a mother is being swayed and I am not sure if I am doing the best for the children which is ultimately all that matters. If he was a stand up father we wouldn't have had any of the above issues, so perhaps I wouldn't be feeling this way. However, as you can see...he isn't.
I am in 2 minds weather to end all visits and communication because 1. he is just vile to me and I cannot stand to communicate with the waste of space 2. because he picks and chooses when he wants to be "dad" 3. because of everything I have talked about above 4. lack of communication while he has them and of course because of the reason we are in this situation in the first place.
I don't believe he deserves them in his life, and I pride myself on being a good mum - I know I will give them everything they need and have been all this time anyway.
However, I do not want them growing up without a dad. Its the age old question, is it better to have a crappy father in their lives, or one that isn't their at all??? Do I protect them from the shambles of a life he can give them or let them see that for themselves? Do I allow them to see that life as acceptable or bring them up not knowing it all?
Do I carry on with this arrangement of him having them for 2 nights (I might add this is the first time in 5 years I have not been a mum for longer then 24 hours, it has killed me and I also don't see why I should suffer after everything he has already put me through. I don't need or want time to myself, I get that when they are in bed. I also don't see why the children should be uprooted out of their home with their home comforts and their bedrooms that I have worked hard to make special for them to go and stay in a house that my 5 year old says is cold; not homely (in my opinion); doesn't have toys or their own things; they aren't allowed to be themselves their; are all sleeping in the same room (ex included, and I imagine in the same bed as him and his new GF have been with unwashed sheets); can't explore and generally just be children.
I won't supply the ex with too much stuff, as we have had issues of him returning it before so have sent the children off with clothes and a few of their comforts teddys etc.
I am really trying to get through this situation, but I have so much hate and anger toward him for everything he has done to me and the children and keeps doing, and the whole time he just seems to be living and loving life with a nice smile on his face and a brand new GF to make everything perfect for him while my whole world and the world I wanted for my children has been destroyed, stamped and spat on from a great height!
I am feeling low. Doubting myself as a mother. As a person. And just want to run away with my babies and never think about this again. This is not fair on any of us.

Is there a right or wrong tto dealing with this sitatuion? Am I just being the worst mother by allowing them to go with someone that in my opinion is not capable of being their father, or am I doing the right thing by allowing them to have a relationship. I have him these 2 nights to see if he could sink or swim...and he most defo sunk. Is love enough for children? My kids deserve better. They deserve better then being walked on. They deserve better then being given up on because life got a but hard and he had to start pulling his weight, and when he didn't didn't like my response. They deserve better then being left with his dads GF for hours on end. They deserve better then being late to school and being rushed around. They deserve better then being dragged out of bed 2 hours earlier in the morning to get a bus instead of with me who will leave 5 mins before school starts. They deserve the best, and this is not it.

g059902 Thu 13-Oct-16 00:13:31

Wow - this is really long...sorry. Guess I had to get off my chest!

Hamiltoes Thu 13-Oct-16 00:38:33

Ok... Let me start by saying that I could have (basically) written your post a couple of years ago, even down to the age gaps etc.

He left, or rather I kicked him out and he never returned when my youngest was a few weeks old.

Its hard. I've been there. Its probably going to get worse before it gets better but you are strong and you'll get through this.

It's hard to take a step back I know, especially when they're not and never will be the parent you want them to be- but you really have to try. It can be easy for situations to become tainted when you have strong feelings of dislike for someone. Think about it, if the kids had been staying at your mums (or someone else you like/ love/ trust) and you'd called just to say good morning but they hadn't answered, would it have been such a big deal? You're going to have to start choosing your battles or you're going to drive yourself insane.

I don't think in this situation it's ok to stop the children seeing their father. It's a fine balance between letting go and realising that in his time, he's going to parent them the way he thinks is right. And its going to be an uphill battle because it's not always going to be the way you want it to be, and he may not always put the same priority on things as you would. It's easier said than done, but you need to try to get to a point where his time is his time (and stop providing him with things, seriously!!). If two days worth of his time is too much for you just now, then you need to say that. Why not try 1 night, he picks them up from wherever they are and drops them off at school/ nursery in the morning. Fill that time with things you want to do.

The new girlfriend is incredibly shitty for you and is bound to make an already stressful, unsettled situation even more strained. I don't have much advice on this but you most certainly have my sympathy on that.. I don't think there is an easy way to deal with a situation like that one.

All I can say is it does get easier. More bearable anyway. Mines are 6 and almost 2 now, and although theres lists and lists of what I'd call "fuck ups".. You just power through. They have a lovely family life here, and they are here most of the time. Hold on to that thought.

dirtywindows Thu 13-Oct-16 08:23:55

You poor thing. He sounds like a total fuck up. But I actually feel a bit sorry for him. He wants a family life - perhaps to compensate for what he never had growing up - but hasn't got the maturity / ability to deal with it. The thing you have to remind yourself is that he's not your problem any more. What he does and how he lives his life is his issue. Not yours. You need to focus on the kids and yourself.
I would suggest you don't rely on him for any childcare as he's proven to be unreliable. Keep the kids and your routine the same in the week- the kids really need that. Allow him access at weekends or every other weekend during day only until he has his own suitable home to take them to overnight. But to start with don't make plans for yourself that you can't easily cancel when he doesn't turn up. And don't tell kids he's coming - it'll be nice surprise if he does and no disappointment if he doesn't.
Get your own routine sorted so you can relax a bit and enjoy your kids / work etc.
When the time is right it might be worth having an honest and probably painful look at yourself and why you fell for a loser like him ( and maybe also DC1's biological dad?)

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