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Really had enough- everyone hates single mothers

(29 Posts)
user1472582572 Wed 12-Oct-16 12:28:56

No one cares or understands how hard it is to be a single mother. On top of that, other single parents, who have family and friends to help, have no idea what it's like for people who don't have anyone to support them. I'm trying to make things better for me and my child but I keep on encountering apathy, incompetence or narrow-mindedness all the time. There are hardly any childminders in my area and none of them ever have any spaces- even just for the one day a week which I need for my studies so that I can attend lectures. All the nurseries are full and have massive waiting lists and even then, they ask for registration fees which is money I can't afford to be without, as I am on income support and barely get by as it is. Instead of the media focussing on single mums on benefits and portraying us all as lazy and work-shy, why don't they focus on the men who go around lying to women, impregnating them and then doing a runner, not giving any financial, emotional or general support to the children they've also brought into the world. People just don't care.

BigCC Wed 12-Oct-16 13:01:27

I don't know if everyone hates us, but having recently become one, I realise how little I understood until I walked the walk. I work and have two children, and had the good fortune to move to an area where they are doing a trial of 30 hours for preschoolers rather than 15. This made a massive difference to what I could do. You can't study or work without decent childcare and until you try and find it, it's hard to understand how difficult it can be to find the right level of flexibility. I won't annoy you with suggestions other than to ask whether you have asked about colleges or FE nursery provision, other than where you are studying? And to wish you luck and energy to keep trying to find the right thing.

user1472582572 Wed 12-Oct-16 13:07:03

I've looked at all available childcare. There is nothing available.

peaceloveandbiscuits Wed 12-Oct-16 13:10:41

I'm not a single parent, but I am in awe of you. I have no idea how you manage it all on your own, but I'm fairly certain you might be superheroes.

FeralBeryl Wed 12-Oct-16 13:14:51

I don't hate you flowers
I'm in awe of how you make things work, how you coordinate, how you are the only one for everything, how everything is your fault to the kids but you carry on. Because you just do.
So remember, in a non patronising way - you're marvellous. Please cast anyone who things otherwise firmly out of your life.

TimetohittheroadJack Wed 12-Oct-16 13:17:29

Everyone doesn't hate you /us! Childcare is a universal issue - childminders/nurseries are not excluding you because your single, simply they do not have the places/times/days that suit you. It is crap, and many people only manage as family step in too pick up/drop off / look after your children. As you don't have this is makes your life much, much more difficult. I totally get it.
It may be you just can't start college/uni this year. But if you speak to them they are likely to defer your place until next year, which means even you can get on waiting lists with nurseries and childminders.

Twogoats Wed 12-Oct-16 13:21:47

I admire single parents, hardest job in the world. I know I couldn't do it.

user1472582572 Wed 12-Oct-16 13:22:15

Deferring is really not an option I want to have to do. The course has already started and I need something for myself that will stimulate me intellectually and keep me mentally engaged with something. I don't see myself making it through otherwise.

TimetohittheroadJack Wed 12-Oct-16 13:39:57

If you can't get childcare sorted though you don't really have much option! Do you need to go to lectures? Depending on the course (obviously) there are a lot of distance/ online options that you might be able to do.
Deferring sounds awful as I can imagine you feel raring to go, and feel it's unfair especially if the babies dad isn't giving any support. But you can't control other people behaviour, and if he's an arse he will stay an arse.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 12-Oct-16 15:56:23

too fucking knackered to be a superhero.

<wobbles and staggers off waiting for decongestants to kick in and clear my ears.>

oh and worse are: "I am like a single parent as my oh works away all week" ... then mention how their parents are coming to look after the dcs. oh just fuck off will you. [bitter]

thankfully ex pays but there is no other support to look after them. (he has, after I read him the riot act, taken an interest in school applications though.) tow children with disabilities/additional needs means I do not get out to meet a lot of people, thus do not know many people to look after the dcs.

one babysitter friend moved years ago and lost touch.
neighbour who was my emergency go to person has moved to the other end of the country.
I am fucked if it all goes pearshaped. and you are right op, people do not understand. (and I am bloody lucky to get maintenence, i know, there are a lot of twats out there who do not pay and poeple have it a lot harder)

OhNoNotMyBaby Wed 12-Oct-16 16:02:15

I don't hate you. flowers
But then I am a single mum myself, with a bastard of an ex who has refused to pay any kind of child support, and now, never will. So I really, really do know how incredibly hard it is.

I found a childminder who had a child of her own, and bought him to my house, so it worked for both of us and was cheaper than other childminders.

I then employed a retired lady to pick up from school at 3.30 and just sit with the children for a couple of hours until I got back from work. This worked brilliantly. There are a lot of OAPs who would welcome a bit of extra cash on the side and who don't want to do too much but enjoy a bit of company / activity. Might be worth considering? She was lovely - and still is at 80!

Flowerpower41 Thu 13-Oct-16 09:09:34

Op I managed to find a cheap and very experienced reliable childminder whose ds is the same age as mine so when he goes over two Saturdays a month he does not mind at all even though he is now 11. They are a type of best friend. Also there are other boys who still go either side of his age so he is gaining as he is mixing and playing on gadgets football etc.

I have to finish early each day and I work from home as being a single parent with no family support (parents dead and only child) and the ex living over 100 miles away who got violent and is only allowed supervised access i.e. we visit together four times a year to London and stay a few days at one of their relatives.

There is no school club now ds has moved up to secondary school. He does go to the library for half an hour each day if it is raining however before walking home to give me more time to finish off work.

I had more hours to work when ds was at primary school so I do understand how you feel.

Try to find a cheap childminder who can do lots of hours for you that is all I can suggest. Hope this helps op.

user1472582572 Thu 13-Oct-16 11:42:20

How did you find the childminder though? I've posted ads and contacted people on all the sites. There isn't anything available.

Ausernotanumber Thu 13-Oct-16 11:44:08

Can you ask at your local FE college?

It sucks I know xx
Single parent bastard ex x 2 no family support no maintenance.

BabyGanoush Thu 13-Oct-16 11:46:32

The thing that sucks most is the apathy of the government.

Why don't they force men (the dads) to pay up, and to oblige them to do, say, half the school runs and school holidays?

Why do women end up with all the responsibility?!

Flowerpower41 Thu 13-Oct-16 11:56:00

Yes it sucks that apparently only 40 per cent of fathers actually do pay maintenance. According to Gingerbread.

Luckily my ex has always paid but he has had to reduce his amount starting from end October to £50 less as he is getting less hours of work. He has been very reliable in that department though. I like to keep on good terms with him so we can guarantee our 4 days trips to London 4 times a year he lets us use his flat and he goes to stay at his sister and my ds visits his half siblings who are older than him. At least he has a modicum of a family (my ds) as all I have left are lots of indifferent cousins scattered across the country and an elderly aunt aged 91 in a nursing home bless her sox...

user1472582572 Thu 13-Oct-16 13:09:12

What's really annoyed me is that I met some childminders and they gave me the impression they still had spaces, then when I've contacted them to confirm they've just stopped responding. I'd rather they had just admitted at the meeting they no longer had any space, because I could've arranged deferring before the course started. But by them messing me around, they've made things really difficult for me.

Luckybreak Sun 16-Oct-16 16:13:59

I'm sorry but being a single parent isn't the hardest job in the world.

UmbongoUnchainedInAPearTreeeee Sun 16-Oct-16 16:17:11

I did a degree as a single mum on benefits. It's hard but it's doable.

megletthesecond Sun 16-Oct-16 16:19:05

Lucky - there's a world of difference between a lp who has support and sufficient money to cope and one who has almost no one and kids with SEN. How do you manage being a lp?

I'm stuck at home all day because the kids are playing out and refuse to go anywhere. <<waves to depression wriggling it's way in>> .

megletthesecond Sun 16-Oct-16 16:22:47

user I ended up dropping out of OU course because I couldn't do it with a non sleeping dc. DD would sleep by 10pm and I was starting work around 10:15 and working until 1am . Then I'd have work 3 days a week. I kept getting ill and couldn't risk another year of it. My lp friend does OU but she doesn't work so can chip away at it in the day. It's still hard though.

Luckybreak Sun 16-Oct-16 16:25:49

I was a lone parent to two children with absolutely zero help. I'm now married, have a third child only my Dc has Sen. I find it harder now having a partner in the circumstances I'm in than when I was a single parent doing it all on my own. Don't get me wrong my dh and DC are amazing and are my life so I wouldn't change I thing. I'm just fed up of hearing how single parents have it harder than couples, when in a lot of cases they don't.

pieceofpurplesky Sun 16-Oct-16 16:33:57

Lucky how is it more difficult when you have someone to share the burden (emotional, financial, time etc). Genuine question

Luckybreak Sun 16-Oct-16 17:01:34

Clearly you don't have a child with Sen otherwise you wouldn't need to ask that question. Managing and caring for children without Sen in general, with or without a partner is significantly easier than caring for a child with Sen.

user1472582572 Sun 16-Oct-16 18:17:59

Luckybreak, I have a severely disabled sibling who can't do anything themselves and is incapable of communicating so I understand. Of course caring for someone who needs round-the-clock care is extremely difficult. But one of my parents was abandoned by the other who hasn't seen or done anything for my disabled sibling in over 10 years: I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone.

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