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when to give up

(10 Posts)
octobersunshine Tue 11-Oct-16 11:30:30

I was seeing my partner casually when I moved to London for work - my dream job - last year. I found out i was pregnant with his baby shortly after moving to London. After several months of arguing and my partner telling me to get an abortion, we reconciled, decided to make a go of it and gave up work and moved back up north shortly before DS was born.

DS is now five months old and an absolute delight. The problem is my partner refuses to help at all. I feel like a single parent which is causing a lot of resentment. He goes out when he wants, and yet if i leave DS in his care for more than five minutes he goes spare. DS has been going through a sleep regression waking at least once an hour for the past month, and I've been on my knees with exhaustion. We were meant to be visiting his parents and I suggested that he take DS on his own so I could catch Up with sleep. Partner went spare and thought it was the most ridiculous suggestion, despite the fact he is away on a lads holiday for the next 3 weekends in a row. I have come to hate the fact he's present but doesn't do anything, when we had conversations about exactly that whilst I was pregnant. For me, it was an all or nothing situation. I hate being scared of his reaction when I ask him for support.

Now I have the possibility of a good job in London, on a decent salary in the work place I love. I'm tied into a tenancy with partner until April but increasingly want to leave. I'm scared of the failure, which seems scarier than had I just stayed in London as a single parent. I want to do what's best for my DS and me, and I want my partner to have a relationship with him whatever happens with us. At the moment I don't feel

octobersunshine Tue 11-Oct-16 11:31:46

... That his effort, both as a partner and a father, is worth my giving up my career.

Any thoughts appreciated.

megletthesecond Tue 11-Oct-16 19:33:32

Sorry. I'd give up on him now and start planning to go back to work. I'd bet my bottom dollar he won't change and tbh I suspect he won't put much effort into seeing his DS. You have the potential for a good future, don't waste it!

QuiteLikely5 Tue 11-Oct-16 19:38:17

So you're in a relationship but feel like a single mother?

Unfortunately your guy has not stepped up to the mark because he is unable or unwilling or both.

You and your ds deserve so much more than him.

You have got standards and don't let them drop for this clown he just isn't worth it

TribbleTrouble Tue 11-Oct-16 19:47:50

Oh sod him, I'd go now and make a go of it for myself and I don't say that likely.

daisydalrymple Tue 11-Oct-16 20:00:36

I think you need to put the welfare and happiness of you and ds first, and from your post it definitely sounds like that means going for the job in London.

I have no doubt from your post you'll make it work, but just consider the finances very carefully to make sure your salary covers all your living costs and the higher London costs of childcare too.

It's noble / lovely of you to say you want your partner to have involvement in ds's life, but it doesn't sound like he's at all engaged even whilst living under the same roof, so it may be that the distance may make it even harder for this to work. I appreciate totally you want your ds to have his dad in his life, but you need to do what works for you and ds first and foremost I think.

How do you think your partner will react if you go for the job? Does he know about it?

Very best wishes with your decision, you sound like you deserve this great opportunity.

octobersunshine Fri 14-Oct-16 17:20:50

Thank you for all the supportive messages. I was offered the job and I haven't told my partner yet as he's on a lads weekend.

Half of me wanted to not get the job because that would take the decision out of my hands. I don't want to let anyone down, my partner, my family, his family and most of all my son. But I also increasingly feel like I've sacrificed my career for a substandard relationship.

I'm on SMP at the moment and asked my partner if he could make bigger contributions to rent at the moment. He replied that he works hard for his money so no (which he does, I don't deny) But then buys a Barbour jacket for £350. I'm sick of his selfishness but at the same time, I have these internal struggles where I think no one is perfect, surely a relationship you weather these kind of things....

Has anyone had similar experiences? Has anyone left a relationship so soon after having a baby?

AnthonyPandy Fri 14-Oct-16 17:42:21

You say you are tied into the house until April, does this mean you will have to pay rent in London and at your current place until then?

AnthonyPandy Fri 14-Oct-16 17:43:31

Of course you can leave and have a job etc, the only issue is the finances.

Disappointednomore Sat 15-Oct-16 16:52:59

Hi October my situation was different to yours in that my H abandoned me and DD almost a year ago but tbh I was so overwhelmed with resentment at his selfishness and leaving all the childcare to me that the relationship had entirely broken down. It's hard being a lone parent but easier than doing everything whilst someone else lives their life at the expense of your health and wellbeing. If he's like this now, he will just get worse. Good luck with the job in London- I'm here too - you'll make friends and have a great life.

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