Seething - Maintenance

[Jogrighton]

Hi All,

Just need to vent!

I have been separated from DS dad since he was 4 now 12. Got on pretty well until about 3/4 yrs ago - met now wife, messed son about etc usual story...oh and payments stopped!!

Have been transferred to CMS and he still hasnt paid (£6000 arrears) and finally going through deduction from wages so due to see payments soon. Recent CMS review shows he earns over £40,000 and will have to pay quite a hefty sum plus arrears.

Anyway, my upset is now ex has asked son if he wants to stay a week at theirs and then a week at mine. DS has mentioned that his dad will get him an xbox 1 (currently has xbox 360 at his dads), new bed, bigger tv in his room etc

I have said to DS he is old enough to make his own decisions and he can do this if he wants. I said it will be strange initially.

Inside it is killing me, I feel sick!

What is totally pissing me off is that I think it is all down to money and getting his CMS reduced so he only pays his arrears!!! It is totally out of the blue, why didnt he ask to have his son alternate weeks years ago???

I am 99.9% sure it is due to payments. I could be doing my ex a mis-justice but i doubt it!! He has told DS that it will make holidays easier!! I have never stopped him going away with his dad, and I have only got angry when it was short notice or his dad has booked something on my weekend off where I had to cancel so I could look after DS.

We dont speak at all - but I am having to control myself not to send him a round of fcuks via txt!!

Sorry

[Bythebeach]

Oh that is abhorrent!! If he had wanted 50/50 shared care, presumably he could have asked for it years ago. Now the CMS has caught up with him, he is trying to avoid further payment!!! I don't understand parents like him at all. But don't assume 50/50 is right just because ex is now pushing for it. What does your son really want? How old is he? Sometimes the rhetoric that a child has rights to equal time with both parents overlooks the security and stability of the child.

[Fourormore]

Your ex will be making a silly decision if that's the case. Unless he earns mega bucks, the cost of having his child there for 50% of the time will outweigh the cost of maintenance paid.

[titchy]

I'd be tempted to text and say you've heard he'd like to do this and you think it's a fantastic idea and you'll be so glad only to have to pay half his food bills, half the costs of trips and hobbies and half his clothes bills - 'such a relief to finally only have to stock the kitchen full every other week, and only to pay half the trip to America with school...'

[isupposeitsverynice]

How confident are you that ex is serious? My ex did this, said to ds he could go and live there, told me I'd have to pay xyz maintenance. I said oh yes jolly good idea shared parenting and all that when shall I bring him. That was a year and a half ago and would you believe that ds still lives here with me? Quite often I think they just say things to be twats and they have no real intention of going through with it. If he is serious start talking to ds about the implications of changing schools and leaving friends behind etc, that will outweigh Xbox benefits I bet.

[Jogrighton]

Sorry for late response.

Thanks for all the advice.

I think ex is very serious and it will happen in the next week or so.

DS is 12 and very sensitive and loving (not all the time he can be very unpleasant also) he is very torn, he doesnt want to upset dad by not going but says he doesnt want to leave me. He doesnt feel he has a choice.

I have tried to be unbiased, but ultimately said its his choice and I am happy so long as he is.

[Bythebeach]

I think you might need to be more assertive than that. If he doesn't want to but is only doing so to not upset his dad, his needs aren't being prioritised. I have made this mistake - let my son be coerced into 2 and 3 week visits to his dad because he doesn't want to disappoint him (when his dad asked for the 3 week visit he certainly was not keen but said he would if 'daddy wanted' and so I let him go. He said he never wanted to go for as long when he came back and was generally miserable. It has backfired as now after years of going on his father's dictated schedule, he is not keen to go to his dad's at all.

[RebootYourEngine]

I would send titchys text.

[Wallywobbles]

I think I would say something about legally binding 50% of all costs/trips/clothes etc. Maybe say DS should have clothing/phone/pocket money allowance too of £100/month do it doesn't fall on you.

I'd be looking at ways of removing his get outs re you. I'd also say to DS that you suspect his dads reasons are to do with the fact that he owes you a lot of money. Does your DS want to spend all that tune with step mum and vice versa. Are they going to be having their own kids.

I would also let's try a month and re-evaluate how it's working. Then after a further 3 months make a final decision. Takes the pressure off.

[danTDM]

He's definitely doing it because of the money I'd say. This is horrible for you OP, I'm so sorry. I would say though that when the reality of suddenly having his son half the time hits home he will change his mind.

I would send an email asking if this is what he wants to do and saying you need to get it all sorted out legally etc first, which you do need to do. Don't be rude or angry, just matter of fact.

My sympathies, what a twat I'd also be sitting down with your son and really having a proper chat about what this change would mean and if he reall wants to do it. I bet he doesn't.

[Fourormore]

I'd also say to DS that you suspect his dads reasons are to do with the fact that he owes you a lot of money.

"Son, I don't think your dad wants to spend time with you really, I think it's just about money". Errr . And no no no to involving a child in anything to do with finances between parents. Let them be children for heavens sake.