Want partner to move in , teenage kids not happy

[user1474905027]

Hi all - any advice welcome please x. Divorced 6 years ago, ,ex has new parter living with him. I've been with my parter for 5 years. Have held off moving in together to keep the kids settled (now 23, 20 and 17!). I feel I've done a great job and now it's time for us to be settled. Partner has a great relationship with kids and none of his own. Now I feel like I've been smacked in the face - 17 and 20 year old are not happy! Say they love him and he's done more for them than their own dad has but they like it that he can go home to his house! They say the house still has memories of their dad and its not right for my partner to move in. They are really calling the shots! I'm so upset I've done everything to keep them settled. My partner feels he has done something wrong. I just don't know what to do. Everyone is upset. We are just getting nowhere and it's made everyone miserable. what would you do? Xxx

[Squeegle]

I don't think they should call the shots. But obviously you don't want to alienate them. Can you sit them down and have a good heart to heart and explain that it's only fair now that they let you do what you'd like to do. It will always be their home etc, but it is you who is in charge?

[Squeegle]

The other option is that you sell the house and buy somewhere together, would they prefer that?

[titchy]

Tell them he's moving in in six months. End of. It gives them time to get used to the idea. The 20 year old is presumably working so can move out if they object that much, and the 17 year old will presumably be moving out at some point. They can't hold you over a barrel forever.

[Optimist3]

I'd probably tell them he will be moving in. You have to move on with your life. Nobody else's life has been put on hold and you've been patient enough. New memories will be made.

Is there any other reason they don't want him there?

[Optimist3]

Tell them he's moving in when the youngest is 18, so effectively it will be an all adult household at that point

[Optimist3]

Yes offer to sell the house so that you and your partner can move in

[Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme]

Bollocks to that.....it's your life.your house...they are walking all over you...1 January he moves in....plenty of time for them to move out,if they so wish...I left home for good at 18... No reason they can't to if they arnt happy

[LyndaNotLinda]

Umm ... at their age and after five years, they are just going to have to suck it up.

Memories of their dad? He's not dead FGS! They're being manipulative and not very kind. You are perfectly entitled to move your partner in - they'll be moving out soon enough!

Can you get the 23 year old to have a word?

[LyndaNotLinda]

Don't move! It will cost £££

[Squeegle]

I suspect they like having you to themselves, I know mine do. But that's not fair on you is it?

[blueskyinmarch]

I came on to this expecting it to be about young teens, maybe add 13-15 but your DC are effectively adults now. 2 of them are in their 20’s. You tell them it is happening and if they don’t like it they are free to find their own homes. You don’t need to sell your house.

[CatNip2]

You have done a fabulous job but I agree with the others, give notice that when the 17 year old turns 18 then it's your turn for some happiness, unless of course they want you to move in with them when they eventually leave home! The PP made about suggesting you will sell the house and get somewhere together with your DP is a good one, hopefully they can see they are being unreasonable and quite mean to deny you the happiness associated with living with your DP. Presumably he has stayed over before now? And they go out on an evening and leave you in the house alone? Very selfish, but possibly just a bit immature hence the 23 year old having no objections.

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

They are being very selfish. Don't they want you to be happy? That's a genuine question by the way, not goady.

My stepdad moved in when I lived at home. Not the best day of my life to be fair, but I behaved well about it. And I was quite a number of years younger than yours!

[campervan07]

I can understand their point of view a little. I am an introvert and can like someone perfectly well but wouldn't like to live with them. It's quite a big thing having another adult around all the time in their home.

Having said that, I don't think you should put your life on hold for them and he should move in. Just think you need to be sensitive to their concerns and give them a bit of time to get used to it.

[Fairylea]

Tell them he's moving in and that's that. At their age and that many years later they will have to suck it up.

I was absolutely dreadful to my mums boyfriends when she began dating again after divorcing my dad. Every boyfriend she ever had I managed to wreck it. I feel dreadful now as a 36 year old but as a 13/14/15 year old I found it overwhelming and was scared they would take mum away from me. I also found it difficult to accept her being a sexual / adult person away from just being a mum, so there may be that too.

She gave up dating after a while and spent most of my adult teenage years alone, she only really started dating again when I was about 24 and in a relationship myself. I feel very bad about it all now.

So don't let your grumpy teens tell you what to do!

[Duckafuck]

So their Dad can live with his girlfriend but you can't live with your boyfriend? Sorry but fuck that! Your house so your decision they can like it or move out. Ungrateful shits!

[user1474905027]

Thanks all xx I do feel they are walking all over me. Partner stays weekends, we've all had great times and holidays all together. My eldest says it doesn't really affect him he's just sticking with his sisters. Truly I have done nothing but consider their feelings for 6 years. Youngest will be 18 soon. I'm just needing to be with my partner now and he's needing me - not getting ang younger! Just so upset that we were all happy and now this. Thanks so much for comments. Really helps, just didn't know who to talk to xx