I have thrown my toys out the pram - how do I move forward?(9 Posts)
Ds dad left when I was pregnant, it has not always been easy (he didn't tell anyone he had a son until ds was 6 months old) but we now get on well. He moved abroad when I was pregnant and sees ds every 4-6 weeks for 2 separate days(he is in our area more often but has chosen to see ds this often) I 'facilitate' their relationship - I keep a car here for him to use, I persuade ds to call him in between visits (he often refuses) and when he is here we have family time all together at ds dad request - I would rather just have some time off as I get no time to myself. I do this as I think it is in ds best interest and because if I am honest, I am scared of saying no and ds dad buggering off.
Ds is now 5 and we agreed we would go halves on school fees. ds loves his school and has been there since age 3. ds dad pays no maintenance (but does pay half the school fees) and the agreement has always been he will pay half uniform / shoes etc. He pays nothing else.
Uniform costs were due a few weeks ago and ds dad sent in reply to my request for half a message that said "sorry, bit short lately. I'll let you get this"
I have kicked off.... I have said I do all the parenting, I suck up all the costs, I arrange all the childcare, I make sure DS is fed, happy, healthy. I put all the effort into making sure they have a relationship and that he doesn't get to just opt out of parenting and put more again on to my shoulders. DS is not optional, he doesn't get to just walk away at the last minute.
I don't get why it has bothered me so much - I have taken more crap from him and let it wash over me, I had the money so it wasn't a financial thing, ds doesn't know so he hasn't let him down. Why has it pissed me off and hurt me so much?
I have told him all my help ends now - I've sold the car, I have stopped sending him photos (he hasn't even texted) I have said when he is over if DS refuses to see him (usual) I am not making him.
I know I have went too far and you will all think I am being petty. I AM being petty. I just feel like this is the straw that has broke the camels back. Ds hasn't even noticed - he doesn't ask after his daddy because he just isn't in his life. it kills me, I feel like a failure and this wasn't what I wanted for DS. How do I move forward? Tell me the text book perfect answer to this so I can do it. I just don't want to fuck things up for ds but I am sick of walking on eggshells.
The 2 separate days are consecutive I should say - he wont have ds over night so he visits 10-3/4ish each day
Why do you think you're being petty?
Ex-P is a grown man, you shouldn't have to be facilitating things (keeping a car for his use? Jeepers)
He is responsible for his relationship with his son, not you.
I feel like I am being petty because I have withdrawn all the things I usually do to smooth their way over £100. It isn't the money though, it is his thinking and mindset behind that.
I know he is responsible for his relationship, but he isn't doing it. I am scared he will walk away and I will hve caused that for ds.
I've always facilitated (15yo) DD's relationship with her father but that meant sucking up the fact I get no maintenance, being cheerful about him in front of DD and generally being the only adult in the whole scenario.
I would draw the line long before providing a car or having to be present during their time together.
I would do nothing now. Let your DS's father come up with the plan from now on. Don't obstruct access but no need to actively facilitate it either. You're already doing more than your bit.
Although I would be knocking "family time" on the head from now on. Fuck that Have a break!
You know that YOU haven't caused him to walk away.
He is a grown man making his own choices. You can't make him want a proper relationship with his own child. I actually think it's better for him to be out of your sons life. He's is getting old enough to remember and understand every snub from his father and everything that his dad doesn't do for him.
The ball is in his court now. It's up to him.
I think you've done the right thing personally.
You've been very understanding so far and he has taken advantage of this. Now is the time to take the gloves off and hit him hard. Get official, with whatever it takes to force him to honour his responsibilities. I'm betting it will cost him more than half your son's school fees.
You can't make a relationship between your ex and your son, so don't worry about that.He might strop off and not bother to see his child, but that's something he will have to answer for in later life. So long as you never say anything negative to your son about his dad, I'd just leave it up to him to make arrangements. Or better still, make sure (officially laid out) contact is in a proper contact centre so you can leave your son there and have a little time to yourself.
Some people respond well to kindness and empathy. Others see it as a sign of weakness. Show him otherwise. Good luck!
I think there seems to be a lot of guilt put on RP to maintain contact.
I am shocked you have gone to such lengths to continue contact.
He may walk away...However this is not what you have created.. My Ds's dad walked away from contact when he was 3..Obviously it would of been better for his dad to stand up and be a dad but if it was going to happen I would want to see it sooner rather than later.
Sounds like you have gone well above and beyond what you need to do.
Personally I would wait for him to make the next move and just get on with parenting alone -if he can only be bothered to have such minimal contact under those conditions then I'm not sure your DS will gain much from the relationship anyway.
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