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Do you expect boyfriends to step up?

(10 Posts)
pinkpixie83 Sat 10-Sep-16 20:03:02

Silly one I guess.
Do you expect your boyfriend to step up and help when they spend time with you?

Brief overview - with my boyfriend for 2yrs, I have 3 Dc and him 1. Do you expect him to help with any parenting?

Had a challenging day today and they came over about 3.30 this afternoon - he did wash up after tea but has then managed to sit and read since; while I've done everything. He then tried to come up and shout at one of mine as he was tantruming (Dc in question is having a hard time : so I'm going softly at the minute) I've told him not to and now he's still reading but ignoring me too: feels like he might as well not be here!

Fourormore Sun 11-Sep-16 11:00:25

I didn't and with hindsight I think it was a bit of a mistake. I can see now that the lack of involvement from partners was a big indicator that the relationship wasn't going to work out.

My DH has taken an interest and helped out from the very beginning. My DC think he's great and I think the respect they have for him is certainly a result of the effort he puts in.

Chasingsquirrels Sun 11-Sep-16 11:10:20

I never expected him to help with the children, I see them as 100% my responsibility (along with their dad).

As it happens he was always helpful (considering them, trying to ease the integration etc at the beginning, helping out with routine - lifts to clubs to help me etc, generous with his time) and I fully appreciated it, although I in no way expected it.

I fully expected him to participate in the work involved in running the household, at an appropriate level - at the beginning as an occasional guest that would be the kind of involvement you'd expect of any guest, increasing as he became more than occasional and then moving in together.

Chasingsquirrels Sun 11-Sep-16 11:17:37

Hmm, looking at it - the reason it probably worked so easily is because he did involve himself at an appropriate level with the kids even if I didn't expect him to.

H1 wasn't 50/50 with me on the home or kids.
DH has been at least 50/50 on the home and involved with the kids even though the bulk falls to me. He is also happy to be my sounding board about them, and at times a buffer between me and the kids!

He is now ill - resulting in extreme tiredness which has limited his emotional and physical capacity and understandably almost all of the work of running the household and kids has fallen back to me. It has certainly made me realise how involved he has been.

Somerville Sun 11-Sep-16 11:30:54

When he was/is just a boyfriend (not living together) then no. No expectation. But like others have said, the fact that he is has enthusiastically mucked in is a large part of what has enabled our relationship to move forward.

He never sits and relaxes while I cook or clear up - he pitches in to help so that I've then got some free time to spend with him. And so I'm not too tired for a shag. Fast learner

One thing he hasn't done is tell my kids off - if something is happening that he thinks they're not allowed to do he comes to tell me. I wouldn't be happy at him shouting at them, that's not how I parent.

But he's moving in shortly and we're talking about how that will work - it's unrealistic for him not to be able to tell them to clear up after themselves, or whatever. I think we've (all - including my kids) decided on agreeing our 'home rules' and that any of us can gently and kindly remind anyone else if they're breaking one.

Are you sure this relationship is working for you and your children?

FinallyHere Sun 11-Sep-16 12:31:32

I'm guessing that you are already thinking this, but, just for the record... what is the point of him visiting you and just reading, while you have so much to do. I'd take it as a sign.

Chasingsquirrels Sun 11-Sep-16 13:20:44

Thread hijack - Somerville, I read your thread about getting together (somewhat after the event though) and am so please to read on this thread that it's all going so well smile

Somerville Sun 11-Sep-16 14:17:50

Aww thanks, squirrels. smile

IRL I'm going around shyly flashing a new piece of jewellery on my left hand at the moment. smile Everyone has been very nice about it so far.

Sorry to hear your DH is ill. I know how hard that makes parenting and - well and everything really. Hope his long term prognosis is good and that you both of have some other support.

Chasingsquirrels Sun 11-Sep-16 15:05:12

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, congratulations!!!

Long term is not good (inoperable cancer) but short term is a lot better than it was 4 months ago, day by day...

Somerville Sun 11-Sep-16 18:31:25

Oh I'm so sorry. sad

I've been exactly where you are with my late, darling, DH who I still miss every minute of every day. PM me if you need to unload any time. flowers

<Sorry for hijack Op.>

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