Ex is asking for child maintenance, where do I stand?

(128 Posts)
MrRyan88 Fri 09-Sep-16 00:09:21

My ex and I have been separated for over 5 years and I have had my daughter age 6 religiously from Thursday to Saturday night every week for the past 5 years. I also take her on holidays and weekend trips every couple of months so have her for longer periods of time occasionally.

I used to send my ex money every week via bank transfer, then I stopped. Not because I am a bad dad, instead I offered to pay for school trips, after school clubs and out of school activities.. split between us.
I stopped sending her money because all I see day in day out is pictures of my daughter at the pub with her mum, pictures of her mum drunk whilst my daughter is in her care, I did warn my ex that this would happen.

I buy everything my daughter needs, she has a separate school uniform for when she's with me, I put a car on the road so my mum could take my daughter to school the car isn't used for anything else because I have a company van.

I have never asked for her mother to send anything to mine with my daughter as I provide everything she need's for every day she is with me and for any trips away abroad or in the UK.

Now my ex is asking for contributions to her winter wardrobe at home and I don't feel this is right as she gets child tax credit and child benefit for my daughter and doesn't provide anything for the 3 days my daughter is with me. She doesn't work, is on benefits and has another child whose father isn't around.

Just wanted to see what other people's view on this was as I believe I contribute in any way I can and have made it as fair as I can in the way of splitting child costs.

UmbongoUnchained Fri 09-Sep-16 00:11:27

If she's such a shitty parent why haven't you gone for full residence?

JacquettaWoodville Fri 09-Sep-16 00:13:52

"stopped sending her money because all I see day in day out is pictures of my daughter at the pub with her mum, pictures of her mum drunk whilst my daughter is in her care, I did warn my ex that this would happen. "

Gosh. How surprising.

Pay the CSA calculation at least; you have your child fewer nights.

Feminazi Fri 09-Sep-16 00:21:20

Pay the CSA advised amount

Presumably your dad is fed, etc by her mother? This costs money you know...

MrRyan88 Fri 09-Sep-16 00:22:12

May I add that things recently have gotten worse which has led me to contact child services

memyselfandaye Fri 09-Sep-16 00:34:02

First time posting OP?

PatronSaintOfNothing Fri 09-Sep-16 00:41:47

Stop punishing your daughter for her mum's behaviour and pay for the child you helped create.

HirplesWithHaggis Fri 09-Sep-16 00:43:29

I'm agreeing with others that you should go through CMS/CSA as used to be. Under CSA you'd pay 15% of your takehome, less 1/7 for each night you have your dc over 52 nights a year; the CMS isn't much different.

I can understand that you're scunnered if you don't approve of your ex's pub culture, and yes, deal with that through Social Work and apply for Resident Parent status if it's a real worry. But atm you really aren't paying anywhere near enough. One set of school uniform and half of school trips etc doesn't begin to cut the mustard.

Yes, your ex gets benefits - so the taxpayer steps in to sort the absolute basics when you won't. Your contribution would make your dc live a wee bit above absolute poverty, surely that's the very least you want?

memyselfandaye Fri 09-Sep-16 00:54:20

Oh go on I'll bite, fwiw, bringing up two kids on benefits with neither father contributing to their day to day living costs must thoroughly soul destroying.

Her benefits will pay towards keeping a roof over your child's head, plus food, heating, electricity, the water bill, tv licence, bedding, birthday presents for her little friends. None of which you contribute towards, do you not feel ashamed? Are you not embarrassed to admit that? You should be.

You may have her Thursday to Saturday, but she's at school for two of those days and your Mother takes her there.

If the ex is such an awful person why did you have a child with her, and if she's neglecting that child why have you not taken steps to have your daughter live with you full time?

You sound feckless, next time put something on the end of it.

sashh Fri 09-Sep-16 01:29:34

Now my ex is asking for contributions to her winter wardrobe at home and I don't feel this is right as she gets child tax credit and child benefit for my daughter and doesn't provide anything for the 3 days my daughter is with me

So it's OK for the tax payer to pay for the upkeep of your daughter? You have her 2 days a week when she is at school? That's not 50/50 parenting.

You say that you provide everything for her but it looks like she needs a winter coat and maybe some new shoes - and you are complaining.

What are you going to say to her when she is 18 and asks why you didn't pay maintenance?

JustAnotherPoster00 Fri 09-Sep-16 02:20:34

Hope you wore a hard hat OP the usual consensus is even if you had DD 7 days a week and paid for everything at all times you would still need to be sending money to your precious snowflake ex or you are a bad bad person hmm

nooka Fri 09-Sep-16 02:36:01

Well you should be paying something towards your daughters upkeep at her mothers as you don't have a 50:50 split. I'd expect you to pay half of school trips and activities anyway so I don't think that's a substitute, but you should I guess take into account child benefit as that would I assume be split if you had 50:50 residency. It does sound as if the best option for you would be to apply to increase the time your dd lives with you, especially given that you have welfare concerns, but a court might not look very favourably on you if they think you've not been providing appropriately.

AndNowItsSeven Fri 09-Sep-16 02:44:40

No you don't pay for everything your dd needs , you don't pay towards, rent , utilities , food, days out etc when she is with her mother.

Atenco Fri 09-Sep-16 03:05:54

Don't you just love it when someone claims that they know what the consensus on mumsnet is going to be and generally something derogatory.

I presume the consensus went against you, JustAnotherPoster00, last time you posted.

OP, not paying towards the costs of your dd when she is with the resident parent indicates that the mother carelessness of your dd is in your favour.

Win win, you get the moral high-ground and save money at the same time.

The only one who loses is your dd. If you really cared you would be doing whatever you could to make sure your dd has a decent life, paying maintenance at the moment and, if your concerns are serious, seeking to be the resident parent.

MrRyan88 Fri 09-Sep-16 06:25:34

'What are you going to say to her when she is 18 and asks why you didn't pay maintenance?'

I'd explain to her why I didn't pay and then hand over her savings account. Obviously I missed this out on my original post. I pay £200 monthly via standing order into a savings account I opened for my daughter and have been doing for the last 4 years. At least this way I know that this money will be spent on my child.

I too also have to pay rent council tax buy food heat the house make sure we have electricity keep a bloody car on the road to be used one day a week. Put fuel in it mot it keep it insured.

I'm struggling I work 70 hour weeks to make ends meet. I don't go out and spend money on my self because I can't afford to.
She isn't struggling, struggling doesn't go to the pub ever day of the week. Struggling doesn't get her nails done, hair cut or go to the cinema. Struggling doesn't post pictures of new pointless possessions she has bought all over facebook .. and finally struggling can't afford a babysitter so she can go out on the p**'s during the week. So please before you jump to conclusions about this whole escapade and start with the ear bashing I'm struggling, working stupid hours just so my daughter has a house to come to where she has a full kitted out bedroom, all the toys games books she needs.

Thanks for your replies though I do appreciate it

popthisoneout Fri 09-Sep-16 06:52:19

Getting a lump sum of savings when your DD has been brought up in poverty round be s massive slap in the face. The fact you could have helped her and didn't, will damage your relationship. It's actually very controlling of you to do that and only serves your interests and she will realise this for herself.

VodkaValiumLattePlease Fri 09-Sep-16 07:00:37

If you're that worried about your ex's lifestyle is effecting your daughter why the hell aren't you in court right now? I suspect it's because it's easier to slag off your ex then actually doing anything about it.

TheFairyCaravan Fri 09-Sep-16 07:07:41

Struggling doesn't get her nails done, hair cut or go to the cinema. Struggling doesn't post pictures of new pointless possessions she has bought all over facebook .. and finally struggling can't afford a babysitter so she can go out on the p*'s during the week.*

Bloody hell! It's Benefits Bashing Bingo! Where's my dabber? hmm

You had a child, you need to pay for it. If you didn't want to do that you shoild've put something on the end of it! <I feel like I've walked into an episode of Jeremy Kyle>

JacquettaWoodville Fri 09-Sep-16 07:12:58

Don't put £200 into savings this month. Use it to buy whatever clothes your DD needs this winter. You need to pay what CSA suggests at the very least, but as you don't want to and have been asked to contribute to something specific (not booze and nails, is it?) just buy the kid some clothes.

Kr1stina Fri 09-Sep-16 07:15:38

You sound feckless, selfish and controlling

Pay the maintenance to your ex. You don't get to stop it because you don't approve of her lifestyle .

Were you this controlling when you were together ? Poor woman

JacquettaWoodville Fri 09-Sep-16 07:15:45

At 18, the damage of you not supporting her will be long done. A few grand in a savings account and a rant about how you didn't trust her mum with the money won't compensate.

As for protesting about having a car "just" to take your Dd to school - if it's once a week, a taxi might be cheaper.

Summerholsdoingmyheadin Fri 09-Sep-16 07:17:23

Why are you putting away £200 each month for your dd if you are struggling?
I think you would be better spending that money now to make her life comfortable when she is with you. Perhaps you could reduce your working hours so that when your dd is with you she sees you a bit more rather than seeing your mum.
I get that you are annoyed and feel that you are funding her mums lifestyle but would she go to the pub less if you didn't pay maintenance or would your daughter just miss out on something that costs money?
The CSA would probably calculate quite a low payment because 1/7 or 15% of your income is probably not very much. How much over CSA rates do you currently pay?

It sounds like you are right to pursue things through social services and if they have serious concerns they may ask you to increase the amount of time you have your dd. But if that happens who will have her- you or your mum?

JacquettaWoodville Fri 09-Sep-16 07:19:48

"instead I offered to pay for school trips, after school clubs and out of school activities.. split between us. "

None of these are necessities, like food and electricity, and actually you want to only pay half, thereby adding to things your ex has to pay for (since she doesn't work, she doesn't need after school club for childcare) so how is this "helping"? Seems a meaningless offer, don't you think?

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys Fri 09-Sep-16 07:23:00

Could you buy your daughter a few bits (and by that I don't mean a whole wardrobe. A couple of
jumpers maybe) rather than giving her mum the money? Or go half towards some good winter boots that can be used in both houses? Or one of you buys a good winter coat and the other the boots, both of which go back and forth between houses?
You have her 3 nights a week... that is almost half of the week. You still need to provide for her whilst she is at yours, and with you saying that you both have seperate clothes at each house, then its not just her that needs winter clothes for DD. So I hope she's not expecting a whole winter wardrobe from you.

WatchingFromTheWings Fri 09-Sep-16 07:23:42

Getting a lump sum of savings when your DD has been brought up in poverty round be s massive slap in the face. The fact you could have helped her and didn't, will damage your relationship. It's actually very controlling of you to do that and only serves your interests and she will realise this for herself.

^^This sums it up perfectly. If you can afford to pay £200pm into an account you can afford to pay maintenance. The fact you buy her stuff means nothing and something any decent parent would be doing ontop of financially supporting their child. You have control issues. It's not up to you to be deciding how to spend the money. There is an online calculator that will show you how much you should be paying. Use it and pay up!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now