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Just claimed for Child Maintenance...why do I feel like a bad person?!

(11 Posts)
ohwhatsinausername Fri 02-Sep-16 18:19:44

Obviously I have my reasons or I wouldn't have done it and was too fed up with current situation...so why do I suddenly feel like a bitch?! shock

It's what is owed for my kids but it's almost like I feel guilty over it! Wtf? confused

hippydippybaloney Fri 02-Sep-16 18:21:56

It's why I didn't do it so long, partially. Despite my ex being an utter knob rot.

I can tell you, finding out that their voluntary contribution was substantially less than honest the whole time before you do things officially is a worse feeling.

JenLindleyShitMom Fri 02-Sep-16 18:25:23

Because women are still made to feel guilty for daring to ask their children's father to step the fuck up and provide the bare minimum of support. Because people use loaded phrases like "went to the CSA on me" "got the CSA on me". Because it's still widely expected that women just get on with raising their children and shouldering the full brunt of that cost and graciously accept any pennies the father throws in their direction. Because child support is still deemed to be something that is optional.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. The guilt belongs to the parent who neglected their children to the point that official bodies had to be involved.

ohwhatsinausername Fri 02-Sep-16 18:36:34

I even felt sick to my stomach making the phone call...

The guy who took me through it all, could not have been any nicer and reassuring if he'd have tried and I know it's for the best.

I need to stop thinking about it and just see what happens now =(

I think I'm just anticipating the fall out it's going to cause and stressing myself out more than what I was doing so, trying to arrange it amicably for the last year!

Expected to feel calmer once I was letting someone else deal with it, not feeling this way.

AyeAmarok Fri 02-Sep-16 18:41:11

Well stop feeling like that right this second!

<wags finger>

You are doing it for your DC. Because their father didn't think that he should have to contribute to the costs of raising the DC he made, how awful for them. Luckily, the law says otherwise. He should be ashamed of himself.

Well done.

JenLindleyShitMom Fri 02-Sep-16 18:41:23

Ok if there is a backlash from DC father because of this you don't engage. The time for discussion and negotiation has passed. He had his chance to sort it out privately. That didn't happen. Don't be persuaded to drop the CMS case. They are handling it now. Any reference to it from him just respond with "the CMS are dealing with all that now, contact them if you have any questions" don't get into discussion with him.

hippydippybaloney Fri 02-Sep-16 18:45:37

And if they suddenly offer more because they know you've contacted csa, you can be damn sure it's because even that increased amount is an underpayment.

Good fathers who provide for their kids have nothing to fear from the csa.

ohwhatsinausername Fri 02-Sep-16 18:49:46

Thank you. I needed that advice x

JenLindleyShitMom Fri 02-Sep-16 18:51:10

Good fathers who provide for their kids have nothing to fear from the csa

This^

CSA/CMS calculate the minimum a NRP has to pay for their children. If the NRP has a problem with them being involved it's because they have a problem paying the minimum. (That means they're a bastard in case it wasn't clear enough)

user1476909989 Wed 19-Oct-16 22:06:01

Hi, i'm in the same boat...this week i rang them (in anger i'm ashamed to say). My dd is 2 and he has never lived with us despite keeping up a relationship. I was supposed to be satisfied that he went and bought nappies about 3 times in the past 2 years and the occasional outfit. I even got grief for selling one of her toys when she was too big for it. He gets his son 3 days every week, pays maintenance and still pays for treats when he has his son (excluding us the whole time). He's been acting strange for ages and things have been rotten. On Sunday I went to his house and found out he had moved 3 months ago, sold up etc. I'm so ashamed, angry, humiliated at being fooled like this, he's probably just kept stringing me along so he didnt have to pay for his daughter.

I know things are going to kick off with his ex wife once she hears her case is closed and she needs to reapply through CMS as their case was with CSA, her money will be halved and she will go off ! i can just hear it.

How could he do this to me? Well, CMS opened a case and they wouldve got letters today....why do i feel like a shitbag !? I've raised that girl virtually single handed, I dont even care about the money....it's getting him to stand up and be a man and take

Chaseley Tue 25-Oct-16 18:53:19

I completely understand how you feel!
I'm currently 15 weeks but have split from the dad, il be applying for CSA once the babies born but honestly, I feel like I'm taking money I shouldn't!

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