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How do I reply to this?Help

(10 Posts)
Jogrighton Wed 31-Aug-16 23:58:19

Exactly as the title says. I want to be civil and grownup. But part of me wants to tell him to blushright off!!! I have written lots of draft emails but I wanted something short, sweet and to the point (factual)

4 year old DD doesnt want to go but she doesnt understand, she needs to go and maintain a good relationship with her dad. I have one other child 12 DS who doesnt need me as much now so she does get a lot of attention from me and my mum (sees her almost daily - lives 10 doors down closest grandkids). Ex has a 3yo dd with new wife and she has 2 other children (6 and 8) from previous but all live together.
My DD was going alternate fri/sat night come back sunday eve, but she started creating so I suggested reduce to one night (go sat come back sun) ex had a huff and said not to bother at all but i keep pushing for him to see her.

"When I came to collect dd on Saturday 6th August and once again she wasn't wanting to come to me and made herself very clear that she didn't want to come to daddies at all, I chose to accept her wishes and that is why I never came to collect her on the 20th August. As we are having so many problems with getting her to come to us but also when she is here she doesn't want to eat what food we give her but also not really wanting to interact with anyone it's making the decision to push her to come here even harder. The fact I have her so little I can't change any of her behaviour because the way she acts is the way you and your mother have treated her. You said yourself you treat her like an only child and that isn't helping anyone especially the relationship with me. She isn't an only child and that is why she doesn't enjoy being here because it's not all about her all the time, we ask her to eat good food like everyone and we have so many problems just getting her to eat a small meal. I love my daughter and really want a great relationship with her but I also don't want to push her away, so I still want to see her but I'm only going to have her for part of the Saturday 9-12 so she can come back to you for something to eat as she needs to eat and that's not happening at ours because she doesn't want it. So if I don't hear back from you I will collect her from your house at 9am on Saturday and drop her back at yours at 12pm on Saturday. "

BzyB Thu 01-Sep-16 00:11:39

"That won't work for us. Let's leave it this week and find some time in the next few days to work out a plan that will suit everyone"

Your poor dd sad maybe she needs to see him on his own for a few weekends where she can be Center if attention for an hour or two? Then gradually reintroduce the rest of the family.

Jogrighton Thu 01-Sep-16 00:28:06

Thanks for the reply

DD hasnt seen her father for the last two alt weekends already!! He bought her back the first time and didnt even turn up the next time. He certainly wont entertain seeing her on her own, for that length of time! He will say there is no point and she needs to get used to it!! Previous txt received said 'let me know when DD wants to be part of my family!!' She is only 4!!!

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Thu 01-Sep-16 07:56:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gmbk Thu 01-Sep-16 08:11:33

Toughie, obviously he lives with his new family so it won't be easy to just have dd for a weekend.

If he has a 3yo this suggests the relationship has been like this for most of your dds life. It's not like he has suddenly dropped her.

I think you need to agree a plan and stick to it. She cannot be dropped back no matter what her behaviour is like.

CafeCremeEtCroissant Thu 01-Sep-16 08:28:13

I'd say

'I'll ask DD if she would like to do that. However, I think she'd prefer to spend some 1:1 time with you. The other children live with you, they have all of your time & attention. Surely a few hours 1:1 once a fortnight isn't too much to ask? Once she feels secure in your love she might enjoy time spent with the others. With regards to food, she's only 4, I wouldn't expect your 3 year old to come here and eat whatever was put in front of him. I'd make them something I knew they liked. It's once a fortnight you're being asked to consider your small daughters needs'.

Twonking git!

Oh & there's no way I'd make her go/stay if she didn't want to & he wasn't bothered (he's not as he just didn't pick her up). It's going to do more harm to their relationship that good if she's forced to go in this situation.

Fourormore Thu 01-Sep-16 09:35:30

Is it possible that dropping down to 3 hours might help matters?
He seems to just be blaming you rather than looking at what he is/isn't doing to improve things. It's tricky, having a blended family, so I can understand some of it - eg if you start pandering to one child's "fussy eating" then you're on a slippery slope with the others, and at risk of appearing to favour one child over others. It's a balance though and it sounds like it's out of balance with her dad, and he's not taking responsibility.

Perhaps going for 3 hours will keep your DD in relationship with her dad without either of them getting overwhelmed and then the contact could be extended back up to a more suitable level.

I wouldn't get involved in the accusations. I'd just reply and say I would be willing to try that on a weekly basis for the next 6 weeks and then reassess matters.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 01-Sep-16 11:26:11

I would say great. I think he needs to build up the relationship with her and several short visits may be the way to go. (he is really pompous about it though) and I would be pissed off with not providing food she can eat. parent of autistic child who will only eat square weetbiscs not round ones

ask if he wants her another time as well so that he can builkd up the realtionship.

he is a pompous twonk though and what would not help is the bloody great long rant I am tempted to send.

Jogrighton Thu 01-Sep-16 21:09:47

Thanks all so much for your replies, they are extremely helpful.

He makes me feel that I am doing something wrong with my DD. I adore both my children but DD can be stroppy, bossy at times but also very loving and just loves sitting next to you wanting cuddles x x

Its ironic really because when i was with the nob he wouldnt eat rice as it felt like maggots in his mouth, spaghetti was like worms, always had to eat freshly cooked food so no left over casserole etc very traditional food meat/veg.

Also, the less he has her the more quality time I get because DS is with his dad so I get DD on her own!!!!

I even suggested DD going to his parents so she can benefit from their company and he can pop in when he wants but its a no go.

TBH tho its all very tiring I will probably just say, 'you are her father and if you feel this will help your relationship with DD then it is YOUR decision.'

Louw12345 Fri 02-Sep-16 22:13:04

Say that what u just put last. Then he has to make that choice himself.

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