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When he resists providing for his child

(2 Posts)
deluxetruffles Sat 20-Aug-16 16:06:56

I separated from my husband six years ago and divorced about 3 and a half years ago. It has been acrimonious with my husband going AWOL for quite some time and not seeing our DD from when she was about 9 months until around 3 (apart from the odd meeting arranged by me - not instigated by him, and with me feeling like we were bothering him).

Anyway, flash forward to now and although I still have bad feelings about him and the things he has done to myself and by proxy our daughter, he is now seeing her regularly every other week and they have a relationship.

He has always resisted paying maintenance though and I had no choice but to go to the CSA. Still he did not pay for a long while until the case went to enforcement and now he pays £60 a week plus £10 a week in arrears. He had a new child with his new girlfriend a few months back and called the CSA to tell them that he he should be a lesser amount now that he has a second child. He lied about that to me and said that they contacted him to say he was liable for less. I checked with them and they said they would never suggest to someone to pay less. In my heart I knew he was lying anyway, they simply confirmed it. Technically he is able to pay less. There is some rule about child support going down for the existing children with the birth of each new child. I do not know how anyone can bring more children into the world when they can't/won't support the children that they already have.

The current CSA is closing down over the forthcoming months and I have been contacted about how to proceed with the new agency that will be taking its place. My ex -husband has also been contacted. I had hoped as things were at least stable now with visitations rights in place that we could sort out maintenance between us and avoid the costs that the CSA will be charging both the parent giving the maintenance and the parent receiving it. I have not asked for any more money from my ex-husband although I struggle and am the main provider for our DD. I have in the past asked him for more financial help and he has ignored these conversations.

So I asked to have a conversation about setting up a new maintenance agreement together to replace the one coming to an end and he said he would call me. That was a month ago. Since then I have repeatedly reminded him. He has ignored calls and made excuses which are very weak to say the least. I do not know what to do really. In a few more months (six maybe) he will have payed off the arrears on the case and will be liable for only £60 a week and then with the second child he will only be paying around £50 tops a week. When he goes on to have more children as he probably will, the maintenance will go down further.

I do not know how to deal with this. I have wanted my DD and her father to have a relationship and I pushed for it even when he was behaving very badly, but knowing that he has done everything in his power not to pay and provide for her hurts me and makes me angry. I do not know how to deal with him and the fragile relationship that we have built for the sake of our DD is being damaged. I can feel it all slipping backwards as he is reverting to old behaviours of going to ground and being silent and pretending that he cannot hear me.

I am worried about what will happen next year. With the cut in maintenance plus the CSA taking 20% (maybe more?) there is no doubt that our DD will begin to go without. I have cut so many corners for myself (taken a massive pay drop due to not working full time in the same career anymore, no longer buying clothes or going to hairdressers or going out etc). I do not know what other corners I can cut.

Meanwhile he lives with his girlfriend who earns approximately £35k a year (in a rural environmenet, not in a city so cheaper to live). He says he works (building trade) but I have not other details as he is self-employed.

I know that I cannot, should not use our DD as a weapon even though he is a shoddy father but how do I deal with things going forward. I have to see him/hear about him andI have tried really hard to help him and have let him see DD when it is not his weekend etc and now all good feeling has gone. I don't want it to affect DD (or myself! - he damaged my mental health badly before) but this is one my finanical burden. He refused to pay bills/debts when we separated and we still have money left owing on a loan that he completely ignores and will not discuss apart from to say that I should pay it (in both our names).

I am at a loss. I had thought/hoped things were slowly improving but now all of this rears its ugly head again.

IveGotCheese Sat 20-Aug-16 16:34:44

He sounds like such a knob.

The CMS (the new CSA) doesn't take 20% off of the recieving parent (you), they only take 4% and they charge the paying parent an extra 20% on top of the actual amount. If he pays £50 a week to you then they will charge him an extra £10 a week and he will still be paying £60 a week but you will only recieve £48. You lose out but he also isn't better off for telling them he has another child and he still has to pay the same amount and his little plan hasn't worked.

I think it's so infair that maintenace for one child gets reduced if the paying parent has another child with someone else. It's not the first child's fault that they have another child is it angry

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