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Not been the mum I should've been today

(4 Posts)
Strictlyme Sat 20-Aug-16 02:17:00

Out today with a friend I met a few years ago at playgroup. I see my mumfriend now every few months for a coffee & catch up almost always without children. I have 2 DD. This friendship relateds to DD2 time at playgroup. Friend has one DD.

We met up today with the children. DD1 and friends DD fell out over something & nothing in the big scheme but in the moment it mattered to DD1 who got really out-of-characteristically upset. I tried talking to her but she was upset & I knew she needed time to herself to calm down before we could talk properly about what had upset her so much. I went to help DD2 and my friends DD tidy some toys to give DD1 head space. Next thing I see my mumfriend has gone over to have a quiet chat with DD about events. My friend gave me a nod to say 'I've sorted it'. It all happened very quickly. DD1 was still upset afterwards but a while later things settled to normal.

After we got home I asked if she had a good day. She said she didn't because of what happened. I asked what my mumfriend has said to her. She clammed up & didn't want to talk about it.

Meanwhile my mumfriend tells me her DD has told her what 'really' caused the fall out, but when I ask her to elaborate she says best to let it lie! Why mention that then be cryptic?!

So now I'm questioning what was said to my DD during that 'quiet chat', and why I didn't go over to break the secrecy of the conversation. This is MY DD and she was clearly upset & vulnerable yet I let someone I know only well-ish approach her in that state. And now I have no idea what was said to her (she's very impressionable & has low confidence).

I trust people too easily (my nature) & struggle with any confidence in my ability to judge people since their father, who hoodwinked me big time.

I feel like if I can't even react quick enough to have intervened to this secretive (most very likely innocent) chat I am a crap mother who might not be able to protect my DDs from a real threat, someone who sees my weaknesses & could take advantage. I don't think my friend should've spoken to my DD in this way (she's only met her once before) and I also think I'm overreacting in this instance but it's shown me I left my DD exposed to a situation which had potential to be wrong & harmful to her, it certainly upset her. What's wrong with me, why didn't my mothering protective instinct send me right over to break up the cosy secret chat in which anything could've been said.

And how do I get DD to speak to me about exactly what was said and not clam up? I feel like, from her point of view, I failed her today. I imagine how I'd of felt if one of my parents friends had spoken to me in this way, it was probably very intimidating even if it was not mean to be. DD1 is ks1 so still young. Can't sleep thinking I have been a crap mum today.

GloveBug Sat 20-Aug-16 02:33:32

You're being far to hard on yourself. It doesn't make you a crap mum at all. I would go back to your friend and ask her to tell you what happened. How old is your DD?

Strictlyme Sat 20-Aug-16 02:51:08

I kinda know I'm being hard on myself in this one incident. It's the thought that I am (literally) all they have & my protective instinct runs about 5 hours behind a situation. It's a weight being so wholly responsible for every aspect of their lives and this shown me I have flaws which could leave them vulnerable to bad experiences that might be avoided if I was 'better'.

DD is 6.

GloveBug Sat 20-Aug-16 10:48:30

It sounds like you're doing a great job. You weren't physically next to dd to stop it happening (there's no way you can be all the time) but you noticed that something was going on. It's probably all innocent but maybe best to try to find out what was said (from both sides). I don't really know how best to get DD to speak to you. Perhaps there will be someone else on here that can give advice flowers

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