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Ex's gf providing childcare

(40 Posts)
Iloveapplepie Wed 10-Aug-16 12:27:58

My ex 'fought' for 50/50 which I was against, but he put up a good case. It was going brilliantly - and had been for years, until he gets another job about a month ago meaning he is now out of the house during the week a lot more, meaning his gf is doing the majority of his drop offs and collections.

He fought for this contact and I had to give up the time I spent with my dd for this, now I'm feeling like its a big blow that it's not even him who is even with her!

Just wondered what people's thoughts are? Would you say that you want to go back to one weeknight so that you do more of the drop offs etc or just bite your tongue?

ArmfulOfRoses Wed 10-Aug-16 12:34:52

I think as long as your dd is happy you need to bite your tongue.
If you changed jobs and worked more hours, would you be happy to drop to one night a week access because you couldn't make all the pick ups and drop offs?

Cosmo111 Wed 10-Aug-16 12:37:52

I would say something personally the whole idea is he gets a job to factor in having your DD. Is the GF new? Basically another woman is looking after you child when really she could be at home with her mother.

caroldecker Wed 10-Aug-16 12:40:04

It's his responsibility to arrange childcare in his residency, so unless she is a risk to your child you should shut up.
If you used a nursery, or left them with you family would you expect him to kick up a fuss?

ArmfulOfRoses Wed 10-Aug-16 12:40:17

Are you saying he shouldn't work at all when he has his dd?!

Stevefromstevenage Wed 10-Aug-16 12:43:18

Do you work when you have the children?

I think the gf is mad for volunteering to do it but I don't see it being any different to any childcare options used by working parents.

veryproudvolleyballmum Wed 10-Aug-16 12:44:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiki22 Wed 10-Aug-16 12:45:59

It depends if you change the arrangements would you do the pick ups and drop offs? I wouldn't want to give up time with my child to anyone but their dad.

Could you work it out so he still has the same amount of time with her while hes off as he has now and just keep her while he"s at work? Also the gf is doing drop offs and pick ups so is your child with her for say an hour or so or all day in my mind that will make a difference how many hours a week is she 1 on 1 with the gf I'm assuming they live together so some time for them to build a.relationship can be good.

AyeAmarok Wed 10-Aug-16 12:46:57

How long has he been with the GF and does your DD like her?

AStreetcarNamedBob Wed 10-Aug-16 12:48:58

Do you think if you ever had to use a friend, relative, professional as childcare then your ex should get more custody?

I think you're not looking at this logically

guineapig1 Wed 10-Aug-16 16:51:56

Whilst your DD is with her Dad, he is responsible for childcare. If he is at work and delegates to his girlfriend then as long as she is not widely unsuitable or you have genuine concerns there is probably little you can do. Similarly, if there are times when your DD is with you and you are at work/elsewhere you arrange childcare during those periods. If things have been working well for years and your DD is happy then i'd be tempted not to rock the boat. You could offer to help out whilst he's at work but to be honest if you've had an acrimonious time regarding the 50:50 he's unlikely to want to give an inch on that.

Hubnut Wed 10-Aug-16 22:40:38

I would be pissed off at losing time with my dd to a non-parent. I dont understand people saying its none of your business, of course it is. Do you think he would agree to your share of custody increasing? Maybe the gf would welcome the offer.

NapQueen Wed 10-Aug-16 22:42:08

Do you not work whilst you have her?

caroldecker Thu 11-Aug-16 01:04:01

Hub-nut You are the reason F4J exist, and they and you benefit nobody.

Just5minswithDacre Thu 11-Aug-16 01:11:39

That's a bit harsh Carol. Blaming a single poster for F4J shocksmile

Although I can think of a right wing poster I might go and try to blame for Thatcher

caroldecker Thu 11-Aug-16 01:59:05

Just5mins Agree Hub-nut not totally responsible, but one of the reasons
I never voted for Thatcher

Just5minswithDacre Thu 11-Aug-16 02:04:56


I wasn't thinking of you smile

Hubnut Thu 11-Aug-16 14:35:00

Oh no I AM the reason. You see I sell batman costumes for a living so need to drive sales.

TimeforaNNChange Thu 11-Aug-16 14:41:11

I've been living with this for several years. An arse of an ex who demanded his 'fair share' of DDs time to the minute and then relies on every other woman in his life to actually care for her - his mum, sister, MIL etc - the misogynistic bastard. As far as he is concerned all the women in DDs life are interchangeable with me.

My DDs stepmum has seen her off to school every other week for years. They're not close; there have been some major bust ups, but DDs not (yet) willing to rock the boat and upset her dad by choosing to spend more time with me.

reallyanotherone Thu 11-Aug-16 14:46:24

If it's only school runs then what's the big deal? It's no different to any working parent using childminders/ granny/friends.

As long as he's around before and after work.

Don't you work? Ever had to ask a friend to drop them off at school? Have a dp or granny who looks after the sometimes? By your logic every child should be with one parent or the other at all times.

Missgraeme Thu 11-Aug-16 14:47:03

Can u not try and speak to the gf directly? I am sure u will get a true view of her feelings about doing the child care and maybe come to an agreement with her where u do some of the school runs.

TimeforaNNChange Thu 11-Aug-16 15:04:07

I don't think anyone objects to the one-offs; but delegating your parenting responsibility to someone else, rather than speaking to the DCs other parent, is disrespectful.

Some of the most significant conversations I've had with my DD have been soon after school (concerns over bullying, SATS stress,etc). If a parent is available, surely the child deserves that?

caroldecker Thu 11-Aug-16 18:13:33

Timefor - Obviously all working parents should give up work immediately rather than disrespectfully delegating parenting responsibilities.

TimeforaNNChange Thu 11-Aug-16 18:29:58

I just knew someone would make that retort grin

It's hardly disrespectful to the other parent if they have agreed to use childcare together, is it?

Working parents agree together that they will use childcare. In the OPs case (and my own), her ex has fought for the opportunity to equally parent their DC, only to delegate that parenting to someone else once they've secured it. THAT is disrespectful, both to the other parent and to the child.

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