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I have no idea where ex has taken the kids for his summer visitation. Do they ever stop being twats?

(22 Posts)
Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jul-16 10:04:47

I'm a single mum to 3 DDs aged 8, 7 and 3. ExH is a twat of the highest order, we are in the middle of a very bitter divorce battles all due to finances as he wont pay towards the kids and has disappated money etc.

He is rubbish at seeing the kids - he lives 1.5h away in our marital home whilst we are squished in at my parents. He calls the DDs once a week, but this is with no set day/routine. Sometimes he might miss a week, other times call twice a week.

This summer hols I offered him exactly half of the holidays - 3.5 weeks. He has taken them for 2 weeks. I don't know if they have gone back to our marital home, 1.5h north of me, where he lives, or in totally the opposite direction to his parents house, which is 45min south of me.

I'd just like to know where they are. He won't spew to me or give me straight answers - I didn't actually ask him as we only communicate by text - he was and continues to be verbally abusive so chatting is a no-go.

DDs said they often ask to call me but daddy won't let them. Yesterday they asked me to call them when they arrived home with daddy. I text him and asked him to call me. He didn't.

This morning I called and he won't pick up.

Of course eventually he will pick up, but it can sometimes be days before he does pick up or call me back. The girls are aware of this. Very annoying! Do they ever stop being twats?

GettingScaredNow Sat 30-Jul-16 10:17:07

No experience as we just separated.
But these are fears for me.

STBXH is also not a British national and his home country is not within The Hague convention so I am already losing sleep over the idea he might decide to holiday there and simply never return the DC.
Am getting a PSO just for peace of mind!

You have my sympathies. It's awful when they use and hurt/distress the DC to continue controlling us.

DelphiniumBlue Sat 30-Jul-16 10:20:17

How nasty.
I think I'd call his parents and ask to speak to the children, if they're not there, they' all probably say so.

Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jul-16 11:21:01

His parents will not speak to me or tell me, they were lovely when we were married but have totally stuck by him.

I left him because he was had a violent episode in front of our children. His parents view was that everyone makes mistakes and I shouldn't be punishing him like this. They have all helped him to disappated funds etc and so we are actually having to issue court proceedings against my FIL - ExH sold his dad our rental property a few days after I left, and gave his brother all of our £135,000 equity from the sale of another property we had. So the inlaws are very unlikely to speak with me or tell me anything.

This is the second summer he has the children. He had them last summer and pulled this stunt, I fell apart completely.

This year I had hoped he had grown up a bit and realised the children need to be able to speak to me whenever they want to, but it appears not to be the case.

I'll call them a few times and eventually he will answer or call back, but from experience it usually took a few days of me calling before he let them call me back.

The DDs are fully aware of what he is like, they have said themselves that when they ask to call me daddy says no. He is a 42 year old professional for goodness sake.

You would think he could act his age. Grrr.

Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jul-16 11:23:21

gettingscarednow so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Can you get some legal advice?

My ExH and I both live in the UK but I took their passports with me when I left, so glad I did as he won't now give me anything else I left behind, including jewellery gifted to me by me family, or even the DDs favourite reading books. It's infuriating.

I hope you can sort out something to protect you legally.

cannotlogin Sat 30-Jul-16 13:52:45

9 years down the line after break up from someone who sounds very similar...I would say it settled somewhat around the 5 year mark but it doesn't take much for it to re-surface. I would say that I have learnt how to handle him better so I get what the children need but it is hit and miss.

Try not to upset yourself. It is very clearly him. The less he sees it bothers you, the less incentive their is to do it again. He wants a reaction so not giving one will up his anti for a while but they do eventually tire of the game. Hang on in there a few more years. confused

Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jul-16 14:04:08

Thank you cannot. I've weirdly disengaged from it as much as I can. Dd1 is 8 nearly 9 and knows what he is like. So we agree days I will call them beforehand so they know to expect my call.

When I see them I'll explain that I called and texted but daddy wouldn't call me back so I couldn't do anything about it. Sadly, she will understand, she is mature beyond her years.

He is making a rod for his own back, the DDs will not thank him for this when they are older.

In the meantime I am enjoying the break and I'm not going to call/text again till Monday which would be our next agreed date. I'm not going to chase, as sad as it is I know he enjoys winding me up and I need to take a step backwards.

Having said that I think as their full time resident parent I have a right to know where they have gone too. I'm keeping my phone with me at all times on the off chance that he does call but other than that I'll just have to get on with my day. Arsehole.

throwingpebbles Sat 30-Jul-16 14:05:22

I have no idea where in the world my tiny kids are either. Ex just won't say. Which meant of course they had no idea where they would be going when he picked them up.

Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jul-16 15:09:54

throwingpepples so sorry you are going through this too.

Which meant of course they had no idea where they would be going when he picked them up

That's the killer isn't it? My girls never know where they will be going, or what time he will turn up to collect them. He doesn't have any of their clothes, toothbrushes etc so I pack everything not knowing what they will actually need or not. Sometimes I get told to 'make sure they have smart dresses'. But I stopped pandering to that.

The belief that nobody else has a right to now, or might be affected in anyway by his selfishness just gives me utter rage. I have to disconnect or I just fill up with fury. My kids deserve to know where they are spending the next two weeks before they actually go.

I hated that feeling so so much when I was married. I'm just glad they are only subjected to it when they are with him now, as opposed to when we were married and never even knew where we were spending Xmas till a couple of days beforehand.

The kids will only grow up resenting his behaviour, surely? What do these arseholes achieve by it?

throwingpebbles Sat 30-Jul-16 16:33:03

That's exactly it. He is so determined to make sure I don't know anything that he doesn't care what it feels like to be a toddler who has no idea where they will be spending the next week.

And yes, on the plus side at least now we aren't together we don't have to endure this awful controlling behaviour all the time

Namechanger2015 Sat 30-Jul-16 18:05:00

The children will hate it more and more as they get older and want some more control over their lives.

They will only be able to get away with this behaviour whilst the children are little; once they are older they will surely rebel from this level of control.

Natsku Sat 30-Jul-16 18:13:44

Sorry you're going through this sad I expect your children will rebel against his behaviour once they're a bit older, and when they're old enough they might refuse to visit him at all.

My ex hasn't stopped being a twat either, "lost" DD's watch phone on one of their visits (possibly just stole it) and refuses to pay anything towards its replacement, has refused to return her after visits numerous times, doesn't answer the phone or let her phone me when she is with him, and when she's not he has sometimes gone weeks without answering the phone when everyone has been trying to get into contact with him. Thank fuck he doesn't get her overnight any more at least.

ddrmum Mon 01-Aug-16 23:23:47

Sorry you are going through this OP & other lovelies here flowers. I take it there's no Court order? Get one stating that you are the resident parent. If he does a disappearing act, the police have to return the children, but they don't if you don't have anything to say that they reside with you. I found this out the hard way & his parents were complicit angry. I've got one now, ywt the idiot still refuses to inform me of my DC whereabouts on his w-ends - knob! Still badmouths me 6yrs on! As for the financials, push as hard as you can. The courts won't appreciate his disposal if marital assets to avoid a fair settlement especially with your current living arrangemenrs. I hope he's made to pay properly. It won't always be crap - looking the bright side, you've got away.

SoulSista85 Fri 05-Aug-16 00:19:51

Sorry OP. It's solid gold shit in so many ways. My ex is the same. Key thing is don't rise to it. In doing this, you are giving him enough rope and eventually he'll hang himself.
As awful as it is though, the kids do know. No doubt.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys Fri 05-Aug-16 00:30:11

I just don't get how shortsighted some parents are regardless whether they are mums or dads. When will these type of people learn that their spiteful, controlling behaviour is damaging the children they profess to love.

FinallyGotAnIPhone Fri 05-Aug-16 08:26:38

My ex is a twat too. He has booked flights apparently for the kids towards end of August but I don't know where they are going.

MyPeriodFeatures Fri 05-Aug-16 20:42:28

This kind of thing needs to stop. It's wrong, it's controlling it's damaging and demeaning to children and their mothers. I have one of these men and they are vile bullies. Well done to all the posters who are calm and rational. I'm anticipating losing my shit. Lots.

Namechanger2015 Sun 07-Aug-16 11:39:07

I don't want to get a residency order or drag the issue through the courts as ExH is generally not very interested in seeing the children - one weekend a month at the moment, he only gave me summer holiday dates because I asked him to confirm the dates back in March.

I spoke to the kids eventually and they are at home or at his sisters house the whole week - no plans to go anywhere or do anything. He even left him with his sister one day as he had to go out for the day to a meeting.

If I start going through courts he will abuse his power further - stop me taking the kids abroad on holiday etc. So I'm letting sleeping dogs lie to some extent.

I've tried to let it go and keep busy. It's easier this year than it was last year, that was the first time he had them over summer and I was extremely anxious at him not letting me speak to them. This year I am leaving them to it a bit more, knowing that they will be back and I'll be back to full time parenting alone.

The children DO recognise that he is a twat though. He is shooting himself in the foot with these pointless exercises in bullying and control...

megletthesecond Sun 07-Aug-16 12:06:16

myperiod it's breathtaking isn't it. I've got the luxury of no contact with XP. I don't know what I'd do if he saw the dc's and refused to say where they were going.

((hugs)) and sympathy to all of you. Hopefully the dc's will call them out on it when they're teens.

navylily Mon 08-Aug-16 18:51:17

Sounds really tough, and thankfully my ex is not so bad that.

But one thought, is your nearly 9 year old getting old enough for a mobile phone soon? Once you can communicate directly and take your ex out there loop it should get a bit easier. My DD's phone is also signed into Google locations which means I can see online where she is (or at least where they phone is) whenever I want.

Namechanger2015 Mon 08-Aug-16 20:20:23

I really am resisting getting her a phone As she won't stop her being on it all day long. Her cousins are slightly older and all enjoy texting etc so I imagine my DD would get quite addicted.

I spoke to them on Friday. Called again today but no pick up again. I have no idea where they spent the weekend, if they went away maybe, my youngest in only 3 so I would like to know what they are up to even if it's not essential otherwise.

I know eldest broke her glasses on Monday but he wouldn't take her to opticians to get them fixed on Friday she was still going without (she wears them full time). She asked me to take her to the opticians when she is back with me as daddy won't take me angry.

I just have to call every day until he gets to a day where he decides to pick up the phone or return the call. Pointless bullying. So glad they are home on Sunday. Just this week left.

deluxetruffles Sat 20-Aug-16 19:08:15

Sorry to hear you are having to deal with such a total twat. I have my own arsehole to deal with so can fully sympathise.

The reason I had to go to court with my ExH was because he would not give me a phone number of his new home and never answered his mobile and yet he expected me to simply hand my DD over to him when she was 3 years old and be fine with that. Not going to happen. Courts obviously ordered him to be contactable when with our DD. They really are a bunch of fools aren't they? They are only upsetting the children.

My ExH won't even let my DD brush her teeth at his house as he cannot be bothered. She asked last time she went to sleep over and he said no! Can you believe it? Poor girl.... No wonder she asked to come home at 9.00pm and refused to go to sleep.

It will never get better as people do not change sadly.

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