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I finally do not know what to do.

(2 Posts)
jenjen66 Thu 28-Jul-16 08:33:45

I'm 50, divorced for 10 years and have 5 children from my marriage. They range in ages 23 right down to my 13 year old twins.
It would be fair to say, that in one way or another we have 'been through the mill'. Let me start by saying that I left my husband because of domestic violence, physical and psychological. In February 2011 I jacked in nursing (I'd worked as a senior staff nurse in psychiatry for 20 odd years) upped sticks and moved everyone to Devon (I originally came from the west country).
My problems centre around my now 20 year old daughter. Problems with our relationship started well before we moved to Devon, but in the last few years have gotten so much worse. I would say that she has afforded me little in the way of any respect as her mother, she will say that I have to earn her respect. Over the last few years or so I have become used to hearing her tell me I am a shit mother and that her father is so much better. (To clarify, her father is a senior naval officer, he has shown minimal interest in her and whilst he has said he is there for her, anytime she approaches him for emotional support, he retreats and often becomes uncontactable).
The latest event includes her telling her 13 year old brother that I am a narcissistic dickhead mother. Asides from anything else, I'm pretty sure she hasn't checked to see the definition of a narcissist, if she had she may well see herself. However, that's just more name calling.
Last year we had a massive argument, and we both concluded that it would be better if she left, she was 19 then. My partner took her to housing and the end result was she got a temporary room in a staffed hostel. I went down there later to take bedding, food belongings etc. In the early hours of the next day she returned via an ambulance, she'd been offered cannabis, had smoked it, and flipped out. Anyway, try again. She got into college in Exeter to do an access course for Uni, so I supported her. Took her to and from the station etc, paid the deficit in train tickets and spending money, clothes and whatever else she needed. Then she met her boyfriend, this was such a positive thing, because on all her previous college forays she'd either dropped out or refused to go onto the 2nd year. He, however, exerted an influence which I never could, and as he was also doing an access course which he was determined to succeed in, it seemed to pull her along.
We then had another major falling out, and she moved out to go and live at her boyfriend's grandmothers house. At the end of June she moved back in with me, she is still with her boyfriend though.
A lot of problems and arguments have been caused by how she lives, which to be conservative, is basically like a pig. I'm not overstating. We have four bedrooms in my house, and she has , at some point, inhabited them all. They start out looking lovely, and then descend into sheetless stained mattresses and smelly cover less pillows and duvets. Clothes, clean and dirty lying entwined with rubbish and belongings in a thick morass ,peppered by dirty plates, bowls and cups with long forgotten contents, dried on, welded on, mouldy, rotting or surrounded by small fruit flies. The best and stickiest are the kebab containers. When she has been able to, dirty crockery has been stuffed into draws, discarded used tampax and other sanitary wear left to be found. In other words, a vile hell hole.
More arguments have ensued about her inability to 'pick up ' after herself. Everything from her forays into the kitchen and just walking away from the mess she creates, to just dropping her dirty knickers on the landing/hallway/bathroom floor and everything in between. If I mention it, she usually becomes argumentative, and sees this as an excuse to go off on some railing downward spiral which mostly ends in me being called a shit mother.
Yesterday, when I told her to remove all the plates in her room to the kitchen (there was a lot ,plus bowls and cups etc), it ended in her saying (remember she is 20), ' I'm not coming to your wedding, I didn't want to anyway.'
How very grown up.
Anyway, I've given up, I've had enough. She's tried to cause problems between myself and my partner ( he moved in in April), and she took it upon herself to speak to him yesterday. The crux of that was: She hates me. When she goes to Uni in September, she never wants to see me again. All of the problems she has ( I'm still not sure what these are as she passed her access course, got into a top Uni, has a boyfriend, has all her funding and accommodation in place) are my fault. She hates me for moving to Devon. That I glorify my 14 year old son (he has autism, didn't speak till he was 6 and attends a special school). Plus other more minor complaints. So yeah, I'm defeated now. I actually feel like I don't care.

Sqooobado453 Sat 30-Jul-16 19:08:25

If you didn't care you wouldn't have posted.

Can you sit her down and see if you can have a proper, frank, adult conversation? Seems like there are lots of unresolved issues from the past. Is she attacking you because she knows you love her (whereas her dad's a prick)? She sounds like shes at an awkward age. I was a twat at her age and remember the feeling of knowing everything.

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