Lonely and resenting(7 Posts)
Ok so I know this thread is for 'lone' parents and technically I'm not a lone parent because I have a partner but bare with me please.
I am a 30 year old first time mum of a 9 month old and let me just get it out that I really do I love my son and partner to bits and couldn't imagine life without them HOWEVER, I have been finding adjusting to life as a mother very difficult.
My partner is in the forces and works 180 miles away from the family home Monday - Friday, this has always been the case for as long as I have known him so I was aware of this being a factor when I got pregnant 6 months into the relationship.
in addition to my partner working so far away my family are also 160 miles away in the complete opposite direction and never visit.
I have lived where I live for 2 years however have found making friends really difficult despite going to many parent/baby groups/classes.
As a result of all of the above I have begun to feel serious resentment of my partner for having a social life outside of our relationship. I heavily dislike him coming home at the weekend and going out when I've been out 2/3 times since before our child was born, I dislike the freedom he appears to just go have to go get his hair cut when I have managed to have mine done twice in 18 months (both times he hung around questioning how long I would be), I dislike feeling like I have to ask him to watch over our son if I decide to go to the shop or the toilet....
Unfortunately as you can imagine me behaving this way has caused a huge rift in our relationship and I don't know what to do to sort it out. He is a wonderful father when around I just wish I wasn't so lonely all the time.
I have been back at work for 3 months and feel like I have no life outside of being a mother, a girlfriend and a teacher.
I have considered whether I am maybe suffering PPD as I regularly feel overwhelming anger, sadness, tearfulness, boredom, no interest in doing things and frustration. I also know I should probably see the doctor in case this is the case but I'm worried it may effect my future profession.
Can anyone offer any words of wisdom to me on how to stop feeling so lonely and resenting?
Hi OP sorry you feel like this. It doesn't sound like your DP is being very supportive and I can totally understand your resentment. However you did know his situation when you got together but still got pregnant 6 months in.
Firstly go and see a doctor - it does sound like you're suffering from PND. I don't work in the medical profession but I'm pretty sure your medical records are confidential and your employers will no find out about your PND unless you tell them.
In terms of getting out more - can you get a babysitter once in a while and go out with friends? Also if you're not working full time perhaps you could join more mother/baby activities so you feel more integrated in the community and less resentful of your DP?
OP... Children that age are very demanding. I'm sure you are finding your hours at work more relaxing than being at home.
It is difficult to run a household on your own. Is your baby sleeping through? It is very difficult to do that with a smile in your face if you do not have a network of support. But that doesn't mean you cannot do it.
I was in a similar situation when I was married. The ex was away with work all the time and when he was home, he was ALWAYS working from home. If you ever decide to leave him, you will be surprised at how much easier life is in your own.
But some survival techniques to help you cope now:
Good sleep and routine are the basis of your survival. I'm not talking about baby here if you are rested yo can cope with issues much better. If you have routines, everything works.
This is how I managed on my own:
- leave work
- Pick up DS, put food in the microwave, feed him, clean the kitchen straight after dinner, play for an hour and straight to bed (both of us). There is no point of trying to work/clean the house, you and baby are exhausted and cranky.
- since I was asleep at 8, I used to wake up at 4. Did half an hour of Yoga, had an hour to my self (reading, long bath, whatever). Quick tidy up of the house, shower and by the time DS woke up at 7, I was dressed and ready to start the day.
When DS used to go to his dad on the weekends, I use to wake a bit later, had tea in bed with a good book. Meet with friends in the afternoon. On Sunday I used to buy everything I needed for a couple of weeks, spent the rest of the day cooking and putting portions in small containers to put on the freezer. And with that, I didn't need to cook at all during the week, which made the evenings more relaxing. The only thing I needed to remember was to take a couple of containers out of the freezer every morning before going to work.
That was my routine, that I miss to this day (DS is now a teen, so it is not so willing to leave me go to bed early as before)
Thank you both for your reply...
MeMySonAndl whilst I do find work slightly more relaxing then being at home I teach children with SEN, mostly autism and behavioural which is incredibly demanding, I leave the house at 6:30 am and do not pick my son up until 6:30pm due to commute. The only saving grace being that child is fed and ready for bath and bed when we get home at 7:00. He's a very good sleeper now but did not sleep through until 8 months.
I don't think I want to leave my OH as when we get on we work so well together.
I do have a good routine in place but often find I am struggling to find any desire to do things for me. I know once I add it to my routine it would be easier but I just don't sleep well so I am exhausted all the time... Though when I read this back I just feel like I'm being negative and unflexible.
Thank you for your suggestions, I do participate in mother and baby groups on a Tuesday when I am free but as we have just moved 3 weeks ago I am just starting out meeting new people in the group, I do attempt to talk to people but I have quite low confidence and find it difficult to make friends.
You could try a sleep hypnotherapy recording to get better sleep. There are loads online but some are pretty annoying so you may have to try a few.
At the risk of being sexist, men just don't get it. You have to spell out out to them. Say to your partner " i am exhausted and lonely and probably have pnd. I need your support. You can support me by looking after our DS while I go out for an afternoon, including me in your social life, etc etc". The key is to be specific. Don't hint. Don't moan. Just tell it like it is.
I don't think you have PND just a partner who needs to step up and realise he is a family man now. You need more help to relax at the weekends and his going out with friends needs to be curtailed to a minimum so you get a chance to have down-time because your job is demanding both physically and mentally so its important for you to relax too.
If you don't get the support you need from him then I would seriously look to relocate nearer to your family and friends and re-assessing the relationship with him
I don't think you have PND, you are just tired, as anyone will be having a demanding job and taking care of a young child mostly on their own.
I appreciate that you love your husband very much but I really think you need to find a way to balance your relationship sooner rather than later. If he doesn't stop behaving like a single guy, I can tell you you will get fed up of him. This is the time where parenting patterns are being set up so if you are getting most of the responsibility and no free time, and he is getting so little and weekends to do as he please, it sounds rather unfair, no wonder you feel down.
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