Ex and DD

[GladGladys]

Reposting from chat to see if anyone else has some advice please....

Going to try and cut a long story short...!

I have a DD (6) and have been separated from her dad for over 4 years now. He sees her roughly every other weekend Friday to Sunday but will miss them out if he has something else on and doesn't see her more in the holidays or any other time. No phone contact in between.

DD doesn't like going, but contact is court ordered and sadly there is not much I can do to make it better for her. I have suggested he just sees her for the day as she has said she would prefer that, but he says he didn't spend all that money in court to not get what he wants.

Anyway, he does quite a few things I am not happy with regarding when DD is with him and I pick my battles and speak to him if I think it is very bad for DD. For example, he is quite often late back on Sunday evening and this really affects DD for a few days, so I let it go for a few weeks and then send an email saying (quite nicely I think!) could he please try and get back on time because DD struggles getting up the next day/is tired/hungry etc and then he gets better for a bit. I've also had to tell him when she was younger that he needs to use a car seat for her all the time as she said he didn't.

Today, DD got home and was very quiet. I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't tell me and started crying. I said of course she could tell me and I wouldn't be cross or anything and she can always tell me anything. She said I wouldn't be cross but her dad would. He had told her not to tell me but they went to a party last night and on the way home, he had not put her seat belt on as they weren't going far. She asked me not to tell him she told me or he would get cross with her sad I told he that he should not have done it and that I wouldn't tell him and she should always talk to me. She said she was worried the police would catch them and she might be put in prison and she was holding something in the car and it was difficult to hold it and not wobble too much.

I'm so angry with him for a) putting her in danger in the car, when it is just a bloody seat belt. Takes a second to put on and is not hard to do. She can do it herself, but not when she is holding cake! And b) putting her in an awful position but telling her not to tell me. I am trying to compose an email to him but am at a loss as to how to word it. We don't talk much and I want to do it by email so I have the conversation documented. Does anyway have any words of wisdom I can use please?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Difficult, because if she knows you spoke to him after she asked you not to she may be scared to tell you something next time. I would tell her that she must ensure she has her seatbelt on no matter what her dad says, even if she has to put things down to do it herself.

[Lelloteddy]

You keep it very simple, succinct and emotionless.

Dear X

DD was tearful and distressed on return from contact on X date.
With reassurance and questioning, she stated that whilst travelling in your car on X date, she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Furthermore she stated that you had told her not to tell me.

As you are well aware, a child being carried unrestrained in a car carries a very real risk of serious injury or death in the event of a collision. DD is aware of the importance of wearing a seatbelt and was upset at the prospect of getting into trouble with the police for not doing so.
I would be grateful if in future you ensured that she is wearing an appropriate seat belt.

Regards

Y.