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user1466878918 Sat 25-Jun-16 20:25:22

My daughter and partner split in Feb this year. My daughter has always worked so dad looked after dd. My daughters shifts are Sunday Monday and Tuesday 7.30am to 7.30pm, she works on a geriatric ward and these are her contracted hours. When my Gd was 10 months old dad got a job. To help out and keep child care cost down my dh and I agreed to look after gd two night per week Sunday and Monday this enabled both to work. When they split the same routine was used us having gd two nights per week with dad having her on Saturday overnight and Tuesday 4-8 (this was agreed as dad worked mon-fri). All worked well until beginning of April when dad decided he wanted a weekend off each month to have time to himself, my daughter didn't agree with this as she works Sunday's and has no other means of childcare, as I have said we already help out 2 nights per week. Because she didn't agree he wanted mediation to which my daughter sorted out, whilst waiting for mediation each time her ex didn't want to see his daughter he would say I'm not seeing her until we have been to mediation, leaving my daughter unable to go to work unless we took gd for the extra night (which we have done several times). They have now been to mediation and because he didn't get his own way is now threatening court. Again saying he isn't seeing his daughter until they have been. He uses this most of the time to not see her. He has said to my daughter he want it fair and equal. My daughter has agreed to this offering 3 options. First option 3 days one week for him and 4 for her visa versa the following week. Option 2. One week off one week on. Or option 3 continue with how things worked in the past with me and hubby continuing our two night. He says none of the options are fair and he wants alternate weekends and one day after work ( which by any stretch of the imagination is anything but fair). I would appreciate other people's views on this as we are a loss as to what to do. My daughter doesn't want to stop access, just the opposite, she feel contact with her dad on a weekly basis is very important, but she is getting to a point now where she feels justified in saying ok have it your way don't see her until court, but the only person suffering then would be her daughter. Any advice would be most appreciated. One last thing, today for example he was to collect his dd at 11am, at 10.30 he said he was on his way, at 10.40 her text to say it was raining so he wasn't coming, he eventually turned up at 3 pm. Thankfull his dd wasn't told daddy was coming to avoid disappointment.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 26-Jun-16 08:16:07

Firstly, however, hard it seems you can not force him to have contact even a court order does not do this. A court order would leave her with a rigid framework which she has the resident parent would have to stick to.
Having been in your daughters situation I would say accept the contact he is prepared to do and make other arrangements for childcare. I would make sure that the maintenance he pays is correct for the amount of time he actually has your granddaughter.
I find it is easiest to assume that Ex does the bare minimum on the rare occasions he does a big more it is a nice surprise.

user1466878918 Mon 27-Jun-16 11:15:21

Thank you for replying and your advice.. This whole situation is new to us so the advice is very helpful.

One thing we are unsure of and any advice would be great. Is it my dd responsibility to drop her daughter off and collect her or should her ex do this. For example this weekend he text at 10.30am to say he was on his way at 10.40 he text again saying it was raining and my dd would have to drop her off. When she refused he said my dd was stopping him seeing his daughter. My dd opinion is if her ex wants to see dd he can she has never refuse him access and never would, her view is if he want to see dd then he should come to collect her. He eventually turned up at 3pm. Any advice regarding this would be appreciated.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 27-Jun-16 13:24:53

I think your daughter needs to become very child focused emphasising how important it is for your DGD to maintain a relationship with both parents. All communications should be by email so she has good record.
She should emphasise the importance for making arrangements and sticking to them to allow certainty for your DGD. You do not say how far apart the two parents live, but if they are fairly close then it would not be unreasonable for them to share journeys. From what I read on here and my own experience being late etc is not uncommon, IMO it is a mix of thoughtlessness and deliberately trying to cause the other parent difficulties.
I know it is not what your daughter wants, but if her Ex only wants EOW and midweek this is likely to be what court gives him. She maybe better to accept this and move forward with certainty, such as I will deliver on Friday and you bring her back on Sunday. Your daughter can then plan her life and move forward.
Coparenting is really tough and if you have big disagreements it is even harder. Personally I find it easier to rise above and just ignore the petty stuff.

Cakedoesntjudge Mon 27-Jun-16 13:38:26

It's really hard when the resident parent realises how important contact is and encourages it as much as possible and the non-resident parent tries to cut back, so flowers to you and your daughter.

Ds dad left 3 years ago and has set his own schedule since then. It's erratic and he often makes last minute changes although he will always ensure it averages to two nights a week so that he pays less maintenance. He took me to court (over a seperate issue) and had it enforced there that he could pick his schedule as he works in a job that requires it (as do I which made me a bit hmm in court but whatever).

I have learnt that arguing about it and trying to force him to spend extra time with ds just isn't worth the hassle. I spoke to work, changed shifts around and set up the level of childcare I could afford to ensure that I am covered with or without his help. It is so much less stressful.

There is just not much you or your daughter can do. Being that late is not acceptable though, I'm quite lucky as the one thing ex partner is not funny about is who deals with transporting ds - we tend to share it, ie if one of us is out and about we'll drop off/pick up and if one of us ha issues with the car the other one will do pick ups and drop offs until it's sorted. So the who will be doing lifts thing does need to be sorted and it does make for an easier life if you allow a small degree of lateness but to be that late is ridiculous and your daughter needs to put her foot down about that! Your granddaughter will eventually pick up on it - my ds is now almost 6 and now checks each week when he is going to his dad's and what time it will be at. It doesn't take them long to start wanting that reassurance of knowing the plans and if he keeps disregarding them, she'll pick up on that.

Good luck to you and your daughter OP, hope it gets sorted when things have calmed down a bit.

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