Heartbreaking Weekend

[Singlemum1985]

I have had an awful week with my DS, age 5 and just wanted to see how other people have handled this situation! I am so exhausted and heartbroken!

Rightly or wrongly I have always told my son he doesn't have a dad. For context my DS wasn't planned, myself and his father had a friendship that over stepped the mark on a few occasions. He has never seen his father (his choice). I have had no contact with him since I was three months pregnant. His father got married six months after I had my son and now has two children. He doesn't live in the same town, about 45mins away.

Anyway, school have always been great about my situation and when any children say I haven't got a dad/mum respond with the usual 'well not everyone has a mummy and daddy, some only have a mummy ect ect.

But this week, when my son said 'I haven't got a Daddy' the class TA responded with 'Well you will have darling, you just won't have met him'!

I have had to explain he has a father but not a Daddy ect right on top of Father's Day! I've had tears as to why don't all fathers want to be Daddy's. But I finally settled him down and he hasn't brought he subject up again today...until bedtime!

Just as I tucked him in he said 'Mummy, please could you find me a Daddy - they will really like me, I'm super cute!'

It's just totally devastated me that he now thinks he's missing something and I can't do much about it! (I could be overreacting as I've had a terrible few months with a few educational issues so I am a little stressed).

Sorry for the long essay, I needed to vent!

Has anybody else been through anything similar?

[needanewjob]

Ohhh... No real advice but didn't want to read and run. I work at a school and I do always worry about Fathers/Mothers Day activities for this very reason. It sounds like you had a a great hold on the subject but at 5 he probably is going to start questioning a little more... If it's any consolation there will be several children in different family situations in his class and dozens and dozens throughout the school.

[PenelopePitstops]

Oh dear

Perhaps it is time to explain that he does have a daddy somewhere. He can't go on forever thinking he doesn't have one. You could say "you don't have a daddy but there was a father who made you, we just don't see him".

There are books out there that deal with this.

[Singlemum1985]

penelopepitstops that is just what I said that he has a father but not a Daddy! But now he wants me to 'find' him a Daddy 😢

[starry0ne]

I have noticed a pattern that at about 5 ish regardless of TA's statement they do all tend to become aware that other children have mum and dad...Despite having never seen many dads on playground most the kids in reception knew my Ds didn't have a dad..I don't know if he had said something or what but they are perceptive. He had drew a picture of his family which was me, him his g.pig and his trampoline

I think you maybe need to change your wording.. I have found as my ds has got older the more information he will need. One day he will learn about the birds and bees and it won't fit in.

You do need to say something that is going to work long term, Mummy made you with a friend. I think denial he even exists is going to shroud him in mystery. If It was a sperm donner I would be saying something along the lines of someone very special helped me so I could grow you.

My ds is 9..I do believe they feel an absence of a second parent but they need to be able to express it m talk about it so they can get to the other side.

I am not sure I am expressing what I want to say..Hope it makes sense.

[AfroPuffs]

Ive always told my 5yr old ds that EVERYONE has a daddy, but his doesnt live with us or see us. I kept it simple but its always hard around Fathers Day..

[Singlemum1985]

Thanks for the advice 🙂 It's definitely been more difficult for the both of us to discuss because of the time of year but I went down the honesty route, I knew it was going to come sometime but didn't expect it quite so soon.

I told him that everyone has a mother and a father as it takes both to make a baby but not everyone has a mummy and a daddy. Mummy's and Daddy's are those who love and look after you and that not everyone who is a Mother or a Father wants to be a Mummy or a Daddy. He had a few questions about who is father was which I expected and explained it was a friend of Mummy's but he didn't want to be a Daddy, on the whole it didn't go too badly and I didn't lie to him which was my main aim without hurting his feelings too much xxx

[starry0ne]

Sounds like a good answer..I call it my revolving door question..You think it has all settled down and more questions pop up...

[Singlemum1985]

Hahaha I like that analogy starryOne - I did quickly gloss over why you need a mother and a father to make a baby! I know it will come up again in the not too distant future

[Backingvocals]

OP I think your explanation was a good one. My DCs have an anonymous donor so they know that they have a donor not a daddy. It's difficult on Fathers Day as everyone goes on about having a great dad and it can feel quite overwhelming but all I can do is calmly keep explaining that we don't have a daddy in our family but we have uncle X and Grandad and our friend J and all these people who love the DCs. The DCs send a card to my dad on Father's Day which they like to do. Might that be an idea?

I think you have to be prepared for this to be an ongoing discussion. The questions don't go away - they just change.

[Singlemum1985]

Thanks Backingvocals, he always does a lovely card for my Dad and I reminded him that he has all his Uncles and some of his friends who don't have a Daddy! It's just heartbreaking when you can see how much it affects them and you can't change the situation ! He'll bounce back, I've had no further questions but he has been a bit clingy xxc

[Flowerpower41]

At ds's school they don't promote Mother's Day and Father's Day for this reason. Which i think is good practice.