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AIBU to be furious at my daughters father?

(16 Posts)
Einna88 Sat 11-Jun-16 13:56:59

Long story short I'm a single mum transitioning from ExP's income to benefits after we broke up and he moved out. Naturally it's always messier than that, but you get the idea.

The agreement was that until benefits and such kick in, he would continue to pay all of the day to day living expenses and bills - he offered a fairly generous amount in fact, for two reasons. One because I needed to replace some furniture he was taking and make some home improvements, and second because he made me promise I'd pay it all back when I had my income sorted, so it's hardly charity. It's also worth pointing out that his monthly income minus his monthly expenses, including paying mine and our daughters expenses, still leaves him with a few hundred ££'s per month of just casual play money, and he indulges himself often. That's fine, it's his money - but he's not exactly hard up because of our arrangement.

So, we ended up baby-sitting a friends rabbit for a few days, and ran out of a lot of the supplies we needed, so I bought more. When the rabbit returned, I was left with a great yearning to get another pet - our last rabbit died a couple of years ago and I didn't replace it as I was working full time and hardly got to spend time with it - and a full assortment of pet supplies. I ended up thinking, screw it - I wriggled a little money from various parts of my budget and I bought a rabbit that DD can grow up with.

Well, her dad went nuts, and to cut out all of the lectures and the shouting at me for being irresponsible and various other things, he finally concluded that he was going to stop loaning us money since I was clearly misspending it. Well, this was a few days ago, and we're now out of baby formula and on our last couple of ££'s of electricity (it's a pre-paid meter). I returned the rabbit to try and keep the peace, but he's being pretty ruthless. It's spread into other areas as well - he invites himself into the house when he has no business being here, won't leave when he's asked to, will literally follow me around the house verbally attacking me for things we disagree on even if I'm crying and telling him I don't want to talk to him, he'll try and control my friends...basically he's being a rather unpleasant person at the moment, all over a bloody rabbit.

I get that pets are optional not necessary and there's probably going to be varying opinions on whether or not it was a great way to spend £30 that would have been otherwise allocated to decorating and fixing up the garden, but leaving us without food and electricity seems a little harsh. I have no family I can go to for support - something else he knows well - and he's now trying to use my financial misappropriation as legal evidence that I can't take care of my daughter and threatening to take me to court and apply for full custody.

There's two sides to every story and I'm at least partially to blame for his ire but...seriously? I'm not being that unreasonable to be annoyed by this am I?

Roomba Sat 11-Jun-16 15:22:56

YANBU at all! It's not really any of his business how you choose to spend your money (and if you are paying him back, then it is your money that you are budgeting here, surely).

If he is entering your home uninvited, harassing, verbally abusing you and refusing to leave, you need to be calling the police when he does this. I imagine this will inflame the situation, but what he is doing to you in unacceptable and illegal. Change the locks if he has a key, and do not let him come into the house again.

If he is withholding money from you like this now, you clearly cannot rely on him paying child maintenance in the future. He will decide to stop paying you any time you do something he doesn't like, and you can't live like that. You need to go through CSA/CMEC (not sure what they are called now) to ensure he pays regularly.

You are no longer a couple. He does not get to decide what you can and can't do any more. If you are your DD's primary carer, he has very little chance of gaining primary residence of your DD. Call his bluff on this, he would have to take you to court which costs a lot and could take months to even get to court. In the meantime, you will be showing that you are perfectly capable of looking after your DD - the precedence will be set and a judge would not usually wish to disrupt the status quo.

I would contact the DWP and HMRC about your benefits, to see if they can be processed any sooner. They may be able to advise of any other help available to you in the meantime (food banks, you can also ask for a 'small benefit advance' to tide you over I believe). Don't give in to this man, he does not have your and your DD's best interests at heart here if he's happy to let his DD starve in the dark over a bloody rabbit.

WickedLazy Sat 11-Jun-16 15:33:21

I think you need to get your benefits sorted asap, then he'll have nothing to do with you or your financial decisions.

As it is though, if I were subbing exdp like this for dc sake, keeping them in an as close to normal as possible routine, and exdp bought a rabbit, I'd be furious. You've already given it back so it clearly didn't mean much. I'm sorry but people buying pets willy nilly, then returning them, is a real bug bear of mine. If that rabbit had gotten sick, would exdp's money have been used to pay the vet bills, or would it have been left at a rescue centre? Different if this had been a family pet he'd agreed to when you were together.

His behaviour is possible, but you need to be firm with him, what are the legalities of him being allowed access to your home? Work on going no contact with him, unless in writting, through text or e-mail. You did what I would call a silly thing, but the sooner it's defo non of his business, the better. Will he still pay you maintenence when benefits are sorted?

WickedLazy Sat 11-Jun-16 15:34:16

horrible not possible confused *

ASISAYNOTASIDO Sat 11-Jun-16 15:34:50

It's nothing to do with the rabbit - he was just looking for an excuse. This is abuse and control - it won't stop here and pp is right that you have no chance of getting maintenance out of him. Time to involve the relevant authorities as he knows all too well you are alone. Good luck and get those locks changed - and get the bloody rabbit back as soon as you get on your feet just to demonstrate that you are in charge of your own life.

Baconyum Sat 11-Jun-16 15:36:46

Yanbu to be furious.

Yabu to continue to let him walk over you.

Stop letting him in, get onto cmec now (they close 1600 today I think).

Monday get onto Dwp, tax credits etc and put rocket up em. If they're dithering get MP involved.

Also contact local welfare tights advisor (usually in ss office) they're good at getting Dwp etc shifting too.

You CANNOT rely on your ex.

Baconyum Sat 11-Jun-16 15:39:52

Rabbit is a red herring - the issue is he thinks he can dictate how you run YOUR household budget. Which is NOT HIS BUSINESS.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 11-Jun-16 15:46:59

Your HV will be able to get you nappies and formula.

Well done for splitting up from him

MrsSpecter Sat 11-Jun-16 15:55:37

Yeah i've lent money to a friend before and then she drops into conversation she's been to the chinese for dinner or you see her on FB buying furniture off people. It pisses me off. I've stopped subbing her too.

Lurkedforever1 Sat 11-Jun-16 16:08:25

Yanbu, he's a cunt.

First thing do you have enough basics to last till Monday, or anyone who'll lend it you till then?

Secondly if you haven't already, apply online now for income support and tax credits. And on Monday find out how you can get help till the benefits and twat heads payments are sorted. Some areas will direct you to a food bank, others give you a prepaid card or vouchers that can be used for essentials, if it's the latter they'll calculate how much you need to last you till the benefits start. Look it up through your council, dwp in theory should give you the info about emergency short term help, but are quite often evasive as fuck even when you know what to ask, which won't be easy to deal with when you're already stressed.

And then as soon as you can this week, speak to the cab and see if you can get help pursuing dick rot for support.

Most importantly, tell cunty bollocks that until he can sit down and discuss future arrangements in a civilised way, he isn't welcome near you at all. And at no point even after making civilised arrangements will he be either barging in unannounced, or treating you with anything but respect.

Einna88 Sat 11-Jun-16 16:38:45

Thanks guys. Just so you all know, benefits are already being processed and we're about 2 weeks in, so at least some should be sorted soon and I'm in good standing with the landlords and tax man, so the important bits are covered. Now it's just electric, hot water and food. I'm gonna speak to the HV's on Tuesday about that - they're unavailable locally until then.

And WickedLazy just to put your mind at ease - I had the rabbit for less than 24 hours and I returned it because he'd made veiled threats against it, and I figured it would be better for the rabbit to return him before he'd really settled in here, or before he could get hurt. A local friend has said I should have kept him and then if the ex hurt it, it would support my case against him, but that hardly seemed the greater kindness. I'm also a huge animal lover and did what I did because I thought it would be in the best interests of the bunny, not 'cause it didn't mean anything to me - I'm actually still crying over having to give him back, heh.

Einna88 Sat 11-Jun-16 16:43:19

As for not letting him carry on walking all over me...well, this is where it gets stickier. CPS have been involved in our lives for a couple of years due to some issues with my older child (he has mental health issues which had caused some violence at school, which we reported and requested CPS assistance with) and they're insisting that I have to continue to allow the ex access to the house to spend his time with DD. They're also telling him that he has to stop being a passive aggressive jerk, which obviously isn't happening. I tell them about his behaviour but it always turns into what CPS call "bickering" and we just get told to "sort it out like grownups".

CAB have suggested going to see a solicitor for a free consultation but none of the local ones offer legal aid or more than 15 minutes free advice in the current circumstances - exp would have to launch a custody battle for any further legal assistance to be available. Obviously I can just refuse to let him in but I know he's gonna go crying to CPS about it if I do - I trade one person coming in and criticizing me for money for another person coming in and criticizing me for "not behaving in the best interests of my child" eyeroll

starry0ne Sat 11-Jun-16 22:17:35

Is older child his? if not I think tell the CPS you have separated..

I am aware you have no money for anything but once you have change the locks..If he is older childs dad...Change locks and tell him he can't come and go as he pleases.. which means structure for child CPS cannot complain about that.

Also open a case with CMS...It can only be backdated to date claim is opened if he isn't paying maintenance.

Einna88 Fri 17-Jun-16 17:32:57

Hey guys! An update!

So, the money got sorted in the end - we argued for a couple of days, he insisted he was just gonna bring over what we needed as and when instead of giving me money, and then got sick of being my personal shopper and just sent it on over.

Now we're back to another Friday and more money owed, and oh, hey, guess what? He's not paying it. The reason this time? Because I needed a new pair of shoes. Now, when I say I needed new shoes, I mean I literally NEEDED new shoes. I own four pairs - a pair of wellies, a pair of black heels, a pair of gym shoes that cannot be warn outside lest they damage the gym kit, and a pair of £6 flats from Asda. We all know the pair, I think everyone owns a pair. Well, the £6 flats have holes in them so I replaced them, again for a gloriously expensive £6. He has deemed this frivolous and is now refusing to send me the weekly money.

I'm sick of this, I really am. I'm planning to go through CMS as soon as I get my benefits sorted out (should be done next week - I'm going in on Monday to hand in some documents) but I need to try and keep him sweet until then 'cause he's literally my only income. A maybe is better than a "hell no, never" yk?

Thanks for the responses so far, guys. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Baconyum Fri 17-Jun-16 18:48:44

Why are you waiting?

starry0ne Fri 17-Jun-16 19:50:50

You do know you can get a crisis loan..

He isn't a source of income as he isn't giving you the money...IS he deducting any for maintenance of what you owe home? I doubt it

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