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Ex refusing to allow DS to phone me during contact

(11 Posts)
barkingtree Mon 16-May-16 18:55:19

The family courts have sent my son 50/50 to his dad's. His Dad is very aggressive. DS frightened of him. Court have said that exDH must allow DS to phone me if he requests (but did not agree DS should have his own mobile phone. DS was aged 8 at the time; he's now 10) But of course exDH always refuses to allow DS to phone me. The last time he allowed him to phone me during his contact period at his Dad's was early 2012.
I dont; know how to deal with this as I obviously can't prove that he refuses to allow DS to phone. DS would be too frightened to let on to anyone that he wasn't allowed to phone. DS spends a lot of energy trying to not let folks know how it is for him at his Dad's. Hence telling CAFCASS it was "fine" I am wondering if I just accept a shit situation and wait for DS to become a teenager and stand up to his dad. Or do I try to get the court order enforced somehow, Or do I sneak a mobile into DS's bag for him so he can call if things get really bad. Would the school be able to step in and insist he should be allowed a mobile? They are aware of the difficulties with his Dad, aggression etc. I just want DS to have a way of contacting me if things get bad.

Fourormore Tue 17-May-16 09:01:16

How do you know he refuses to allow your DS to call?

From what you are saying, your ex isn't going to listen to what you have to say. You could provide your son with a mobile phone but it would be up to his dad whether he was allowed to use it or not. Your only other option is to take the matter back to court but as you say, you can't prove anything.

Is there some reason why you feel the need to do something now if this arrangement has been in place for two years? If matters are so bad for your son, isn't that more of a problem than whether he can phone or not?

barkingtree Fri 20-May-16 13:40:07

Sorry I didn't get back to this till now! Life got very much in the way.
fouromore To answer your Q's: I only know because my DS tells me his Dad refuses to allow him to call me.
You're absolutely right my ex will not listen to anything I say.
If he knew DS had a phone he'd take it off him/not allow him to use it.
Yes I could take it back to court, but of course I can't prove anything so no point really.
I guess I'm thinking about it more now as the long summer hols are coming up, so DS will be there for longer periods and without school to break it up. And it's two years so he's older and maybe a court would say yes to him having a mobile now.
And because his current school are sympathetic now and willing to help whereas his last school didn't really recognise the issues with his Dad. So I guess i can get the school's backup.

Yes it is more of a prob that matters are so bad for my DS, but I have a court order that says he has to go there 50/50, so I can't change that very easily. But a phone might ease things for him.
I dunno. That's why I'm asking for advice really. Because I can't see a way round it and thought someone else might have a clearer perspective.

barkingtree Sat 21-May-16 20:00:48


Fourormore Sat 21-May-16 20:18:32

I'm not sure if anyone can offer a clear perspective - you have a good measure of the situation yourself.
I asked how you knew because I know my stepsons go home and say their dad didn't let them ring, but they never ask to.
But assuming he is asking and his dad is refusing and given your ex isn't likely to do what you want him to do, then your options really are to return to court or to leave it.

You could send him with a phone yourself. I get on well with my ex and wouldn't be happy if he did that without discussing it with me first. You'd have to weigh up whether it could make things worse for your son or not.

I still think that the focus needs to be on the underlying issues rather than just the phone contact though.

Becca1818 Sat 21-May-16 20:28:16

Who's stopping him having a mobile?

barkingtree Sat 21-May-16 20:33:03

Thanks for your response Four I'm focusing on the phone I guess because I've reached a dead end re the "Underlying issues", i.e have been to court and my concerns weren't upheld as DS wouldn't talk to CAFCASS. It was my word against my exes. Family therapists and couples counsellor tried to speak up to confirm my concerns were real, but CAFCASS didn't feel that was reason enough to restrict contact. So a phone might at least be a way for ds to seek help if it gets too bad. But you're right; exdh wouldn't allow a phone. I'd LOVE to address the underlying issues but not sure where to go from here.

barkingtree Sat 21-May-16 20:35:06

Becca1818 He was 8 when we went to court and judge said no to a mobile as DS could just ask to use landline or exDH's mobile, and part of the court order was that DH must allow him to if he requests. But of course DH doesn't allow him too... If I send him there with a mobile it'll just get take off him by DH.

barkingtree Sun 22-May-16 20:31:03


barkingtree Tue 24-May-16 19:35:44

OK. Bit of a massive and rather sudden and completely unexpected development that may change things somewhat. We had a meeting with CAMHS today as my son has been very anxious (understandably!) Once they saw the aggressive manor in which my ex spoke to me and heard there had been domestic violence involved, they decided to make a children in need referral to social services.
Am feeling rather numb as have been scared this might happen and now it has. Don't know what to think. Please don;t tell me any scary stories or try to put the wind up me; I can do that myself. But any advice or warm holding hands type of words very gratefully recieved! I've spoke to the domestic violence support service who support me and they are going to help with any interactions with SS. And I've spoken to my son's teacher and they both seem to think this might be the chance to get the issues for my son looked at. I'm not holding my breath as I now resources are very stretched and my ex is generally able to be hugely charming and persuasive.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 26-May-16 07:39:21

a child in need referral is good. it is to protect your son.

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