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should I let my ds 7 live with dad

(17 Posts)
diamondmoon Mon 16-May-16 08:35:43

My ds since going into year 3 had huge behaviour problems at school and at home with me. He was suspended many times in last October to Dec he then only allowed part time at school. He was very near expelled so we agreed to do managed move at new school. His dad lives 50 miles away with his new family so we agreed fresh start with him for 15 weeks then he would come home and back to original school. Well he has done fantastic so his dad wants to keep him full time so he stays there. I have the horrid choose of giving up my son to live 50 miles away or risk problems back with me. I will see him weekends. sad

Fourormore Mon 16-May-16 08:38:35

Can you move to where Dad is to keep your son going with this new school but perhaps have more of a 50/50 arrangement rather than weekends?

diamondmoon Mon 16-May-16 08:50:44

No I have a dd 12 settled at school X

EatShitDerek Mon 16-May-16 08:52:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twirlypoo Mon 16-May-16 08:54:32

Honestly? I think I would risk uprooting the 12 year old to move to be closer to your other child.

VocationalGoat Mon 16-May-16 08:58:08

Oh this is really hard. I really, really feel for you. But it's about your son's stability and wherever he finds that, ultimately brings you peace of mind. Give it a go with dad.
I think you should both (you and dad) sit down and revisit this again in another 12 weeks and then hash out permanent contact arrangements. Your DS needs to be settled above all. Try your hardest not to take it personally. flowers

VocationalGoat Mon 16-May-16 09:00:51

Think about moving later on. That's not the priority this minute. You need more time to observe your son's stability and welfare. Also your DC (12) will probably be struggling a bit with the changes in household dynamics here so, slowly, slowly. Take time.

Fourormore Mon 16-May-16 09:27:20

That sounds so tough, OP. I would be very reluctant to move my son back if he's settled so well in his new school and I'd struggle to uproot my daughter too. I think VocationalGoat gives great advice.

Arfarfanarf Mon 16-May-16 09:31:15

So so hard.
Really you have to do what is best for your son. Even if what is best for him is to live with his dad, painful as that would be for you.
It sounds like for whatever reason, this move has been good for him. If he is happy and doing well, then you owe it to him to not take that away from him.
50 miles is not that far. You can maintain a brilliant relationship with him.

Toffeelatteplease Mon 16-May-16 09:39:03

I'm not sure I could do it but with an eye to the long term battle I would keep him put. I'll explain my thinking.

Your ex atm says that you DS has settled and is doing well, presumably he has school backing in this. Now I would be thinking it's a honeymoon period, it would be usual for a child with such difficulties presents so differently at different environments long term.

Usually a child who has such difficult behaviour needs specialist intervention sometimes specialist schooling. Usually it's a battle to get the right support in place.

End it now the evidence is not in your favour. Anyone who you apply for help could just say well it worked at Dads why isn't child with Dad and therefore we don't need to give help. Give it a little longer and the tables might entirely turn.

Certainly not easy now but might be easier in the long term

Artandco Mon 16-May-16 09:43:58

Can't you have him 50/50? 50 miles isn't that far away, it's only an hour or so drive. But your issue would be schooling I suppose

Can you move in the middle?

Fourormore Mon 16-May-16 09:45:43

Is there a reason that your son started a new school near Dad rather than a different school near you?
Had you discussed with Dad what might/should happen after the settling in period at the new school?

diamondmoon Mon 16-May-16 09:53:52

Wow so many replies thanks! You are all saying what I know best for my ds. I worried he will hate me for it over time and feel I abandoned him.
His dad has 2 new siblings so ds will be with them as well. The reason he went to his dad was a fresh start away from everthing. Head at old school said no school here would except him so we dual registered at his dad. He at school with step brother so he loving that. Old school were going to send to behaviour unit.

Artandco Mon 16-May-16 09:56:43

I would maybe be tempted to keep him there then for school and happiness at school. With him coming to you fri-Sunday, and most the school holidays

Toffeelatteplease Mon 16-May-16 10:01:15

Turn up when you say you are going to turn up. Come to school events. Care.

You do all this naturally

He won't feel abandoned.

greenfolder Mon 16-May-16 10:03:09

That is exceedingly tough. It sounds like a good set up for him at his dad's. It's what is best for him for now. I don't think you could justify moving him again given the difference. Work out really good contact, make sure you are involved in decisions. Make sure the school tells you directly how he is doing rather than just relying on dad.

diamondmoon Tue 17-May-16 08:07:05

Thank you all you are all right in what u are saying. It's my ds happiness most important. His behaviour with me has been getting worse so his dad thinks if he comes back school will be the same. He has no respect for me sometimes. I hope he understands when he older how hard this has been. I will speak to him at the weekend. At the other school he was banned from swimming going into hall playtime classroom! None of that at new school and he got a gf! I know his behaviour could change again

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