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Need advice - mediation? Court? Can he take my DC off me?

(6 Posts)
MerryDickCrack Thu 12-May-16 21:00:18

Hoping for some advice. Please.
Ex left over 2 years ago, for ow. Left me with ds then aged 2 and 5.
Since then he's been rewriting history to make it seem like it was my fault he left and generally being unhelpful, unpleasant, abusive, mildly threatening. Long history in relationship of him being bullying, and one episode where he assaulted me when I was pregnant.
When he left, ow didn't appear to want him but in the last few months they appear to have got back together.
He's always been very demanding with regard to what he wants - but since taking back up with ow this has escalated.
He already takes do to school 3 mornings a week - there is no need for him to do it, I could, it's a 5 min walk. He absolutely insists and will not deviate. He has docs one weeknight eve for tea and on Friday picks up from school and returns sat bedtime every week. Holidays are shared 50/50.
He lives in a 1 bed flat 30 mins away, it isn't really suitable for overnights at all but he has pushed and pushed for the fri nights. He wants more overnights but I don't feel this is best for dcs, they have to share bed and also it is dirty and they hold themselves rather than use loo. They smell when they get back from contact.
I work ft , so does he. So in a typical week, they are in after school every day, are with me 5 pm to bedtime 3 nights a week, him 2 nights I. Week and he has 1 weekend day, me the other.
He pays the legal minimum for maintenance and will not help with any extra expenses, shoes etc.
I am still in jointly owned house, I paid all £25 k deposits, he has paid half mortgage but not contributed anything to maintenance of it / improvement.
Now he's banding on about wanting more contact. As far as I see it's already nearly 50/50. I don't see what more I can give him. He wants to go to mediation. I can't afford it and anyway I can't see the point, he has all I can give him. I've said no as I can't afford it. I expect he will threaten me with court next. Can he? What for? What's worst that could happen?
Thanks if you've read this far 💐💐
Oh and dc parrot what he has said, they want to see daddy more, but when they do see him they are unsettled and there are often arguments between him and dcs.
There's loads more, not trying to drip feed but also don't want to write an essay....

cestlavielife Thu 12-May-16 22:53:44

How dirty is dirty?
You will have to go to mediation anyway if it goes to court. .unless you have evidence of the abuse. Was the assault reported?

MerryDickCrack Thu 12-May-16 23:01:15

Yes I called 999 and the police removed him. There were no charges but it will be on a call out log.
I don't know how dirty it is as obviously I'm mot invited round. Ds's tell me it is dirty, they always want a poo as soon as they get home saying his loo is dirty and they and all of their clothes and even their iPads last time smelled kind of unwashed, greasy and a bit of drake curry smell. The smell is awful and very noticable . He smells of fags and too much aftershave so don't smell it on him so much.

eyebrowsonfleek Fri 13-May-16 08:03:09

Be careful!!
If he has the kids more than you then you may be the one that has to pay him maintenance and move out as the kids deserve the bigger house.

bluecashmere Fri 13-May-16 20:58:08

Sounds like me exP - always has to be his way and he has to control everything. You may end up having to go to mediation / court if he forces it but he is unlikely to gain anything from it if he already has almost 50% contact. The court only care about what is in the children's best interest so what would his story be there? I suspect they would see through him. If mediation is deemed unsuitable because of the abusive history he will have to pay to make the court application and if you feel able to represent yourself it needn't cost you. Don't let the threats of court scare you into agreeing to things you aren't comfortable with. In answer to your question, no, he cannot take dc off you unless he can prove it is best for them, which of course it isn't.

Sunflowersmiling Tue 17-May-16 05:12:50

Oh my heart goes out to you. (Hugs). He sounds like an abusive man who is playing games...that are clearly not in the children's best interest. If he's threatening you with court, and using fear as a tactic to emotionally abuse you, consider going to your local Domestic Abuse charity. ..go get an assessment. There's a risk assessment they will do, and they can signpost you to support xx

All that aside, yes he can take you to court if he chooses to. .However you will still be expected to go through mediation if you can. Given what you've said it might not be appropriate, but you need to consider whether this is something you could manage, because it's less stressful than court in my experience. I did mediation in seperate rooms.

My thoughts would be reasonable at all times, do not show too much emotion, every decision you make..consider your children first. Then evidence it all.

Keep a diary. Sleep/nightmares/nutrition/late ot missed contact etc.

Show that you are a rational, reasonable, reliable, consistent and loving parent and no court in the world can make a ruling that 50/50 is not in the children's best interests.The courts will expect you to have worked out the finer details if you can.

Please also consider getting legal help if it goes to court, it's expensive but really will help you through it.

Also, even at court they will want you to agree a plan before you go in...again showing your reasonableness. Work out your best and worst outcomes, prepare yourself for some changes, generally people who are too rigid get less favourable outcomes.

Finally, remember you are a great mum, it's a difficult process but you will survive it, best of luck x

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