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Ex DP going on holiday with woman he's just met

(10 Posts)
NancyPiecrust Fri 29-Apr-16 07:37:43

I know technically it's "none of my business" but I feel so upset about this. She'll probably be my daughter's step mum in another couple months at this rate.. sad
He met her a month ago & indirectly rubbed it in my face when he turned up to pick up our DD with blatant love bites all over his neck like a teenager (he's 42..) the day before we were having an Easter family lunch and Easter egg hunt with his Mum & his family who I am all still close to. He's known her for a month and he's just told me he will be away Tuesday til Thursday for his birthday for a city break away with this woman.
Apart from the personal side of me just feeling hurt by the fact he's moving on pretty fast & drastically with the first woman he's met since we split up 9 months ago.. He has a history of manic behaviour and the episodes usually come on at this time of year.. I am worried this is a sign of it. And he's supposed to be taking DD (nearly 2) away at the weekend camping with his friends for the first time. I have let her go because he seems to have been mostly stable and responsible the last few months and has stopped smoking weed... But now he's going to Amsterdam with this random woman who he hardly knows. Just seems pretty extreme & sudden to me and I'm shocked.
I asked him if she was also going camping and he said "I would have told you if she was" .... ???? As if that was even a reasonable idea?? I was joking !
I'm just terrified what this means about his mood / mental state & also what kind of woman she is & when he will be exposing her our daughter. sad and yeah I also feel hurt. The thought of him playing happy families with my daughter and some random woman I don't know is so painful. And this just seems really sudden considering a few months ago he was saying he does not want a relationship with anyone anytime soon and that is so far in the future & he promised to work on himself for our daughters sake (eg. Therapy and anger management course which he hasn't done) ... He was a bit emotionally abusive and eventually physically abusive toward the end of our relationship during a manic phase in the summer. I'm just so shaken by the idea that he may be going a bit off balance as well.

OllyBJolly Fri 29-Apr-16 07:54:21

It is very, very difficult but you just have to let go. Unless you think - genuinely- that your DD is in any danger then anything the ex does is not your concern.

Probably took me a good 18 months to get over my ex and the thought of he and his GF( later DW) playing happy families with my DCs was so painful but nothing I could do about it. Looking back, I'm glad they had that nice time and the DCs got a lovely SM out of it. I do remember how wretched/angry/sad I was about it.

Focus on being good to yourself and making your own life as good as it can be. The ex is someone else's problem now.

NancyPiecrust Fri 29-Apr-16 07:57:05

I know what you're saying is true... And I know I shouldn't be feeling like this.. But the thing is he's not someone else's problem now .. I still don't quite trust his moods & am anxious about it. And he's SO in my life still.. Wants to see DD every day and whilst that's amazing for her it's really hard for me to see him all the time & have him so close.

Lweji Fri 29-Apr-16 07:59:56

Which friends are going camping? Do you know anything about them?

I wouldn't let a 2 year old go more than a few hours with this man, unless there were people there who loved her too and protected her if he had a crisis.

I understand that it's what this woman means in terms of his mental health, not so much her. (Or is that in reverse?)
So, ignore whoever he goes out with, but do go over the top protecting your child if you're not sure what his mental state is.

Finola1step Fri 29-Apr-16 08:00:16

I think the key here is to formalise access arrangements. Daily is not workable. Would you go for 50:50 or an EOW scenario?

Finola1step Fri 29-Apr-16 08:01:55

Quick.question...when you say "history of manic behaviour" do you mean he has a diagnosis ie bi-polar? Is he in medication?

Lweji Fri 29-Apr-16 08:02:03

You can put boundaries in place to see less of him.
Is he going to your house and stays? That should end. He picks her up and drops her. Perhaps every other day. No family gatherings.

Finola1step Fri 29-Apr-16 08:02:19

On not in!

NancyPiecrust Fri 29-Apr-16 08:16:26

He won't submit to a diagnosis of bipolar although i have definiatley seen both hypo manic episodes and episodes of depression for months in him in the 3 years we were together. He won't take medication or go to doctor properly as he is in denial (because I guess he is probably pretty mild on the spectrum but still does risky stuff and is hard to deal with when manic) a lot of his friends think he is bipolar too & when we met he said he is "a bit bipolar" but told me it was in his past .. (He was manic when we met very obviously looking back !) yes he is going wth very good friends who have kids who I know as well and trust..

Penfold007 Fri 29-Apr-16 09:41:15

Your ex's new relationship isn't your problem but it's understandable that you find it upsetting.
Formalised access and CSM agreement would be a good way forward.

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