I don't think I can do this anymore

(12 Posts)
housewifedesperate Thu 14-Apr-16 19:04:18

I'm so upset and feel worthless.
I'm a lone parent to 2 teenage daughters who appear to hate me. They say nasty things to me and seem to go out of their way to make my life difficult.
Their father left us just over a year ago for another woman and hasn't looked back. They don't like him either but he's not the one gets all the crap from them.
I want to go away. If someone could wave a magic wand and get me away from all of this I'd take that right now. I can't do this anymore.
I have to though don't I?
Why do they appear to hate me when I've done nothing wrong. I'm the one there for them, supporting them. Please tell me it will get better, I feel like I'm going mad

iamwomanhearmesnore Thu 14-Apr-16 19:14:43

I think children of all ages take their frustrations out on the parent they feel safe with. It sounds to me like they are acting out their own pain of the break up of the family thanks to your ex of course.

Either their father isn't around to see them showing this pain or he wouldn't tolerate it - or both - but you are the one who they know is there for them no matter what.

It sucks but I've seen this recently with my good friend's teenage DD. I'll hear her on the phone being ever so polite and nice to her useless father and then 5 minutes on the phone to her mum talking in monosyllables. She knows she can be herself and show whatever she's feeling - exhaustion or anger or pain - to her mum but her dad requires her to be cheerful and "nice" at all times but there's no honesty to the latter relationship.

The only consolation is I know the one she really loves most is her mum but it must be hard. Try to kind to yourself op - I'm not a lone parent (just didn't want to leave your post unanswered) - but I know it's hard. I think it does get better. The teenage years can be difficult.

housewifedesperate Thu 14-Apr-16 19:47:31

Thanks so much for your reply iamwoman. All you say rings true but it just gets so hard sometimes

iamwomanhearmesnore Thu 14-Apr-16 21:25:54

Sorry I meant to say try to be kind to yourself - regarding the feelings of worthlessness, this self-compassion video is quite good I think - see www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kfUE41-JFw

I especially like the bit about not taking total responsibility (your ex has a big burden to bear - whether or not he's feeling it) and also seeing how big your task is (trying to maintain a happy family life despite all the upheaval).

If your friend was in your position, I bet you'd be thinking she was bloody brilliant coping under the circumstances yet we judge ourselves so harshly.

Heartbroken4 Thu 14-Apr-16 23:49:14

My children aren't teenagers and it is a more recent situation but my 9 year-old is like this. It is so hard.

flowers

housewifedesperate Fri 15-Apr-16 07:44:54

I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing heartbroken. You can't believe how isolated you can be being a lone parent even though I have plenty of lovely friends and family.
I have to keep telling myself that they're taking their emotions out on the person that they trust. It's just really hurtful sometimes and hard to believe they actually love you when they treat you like they do. I'm also still dealing with my deep resentment with their father which doesn't help.
So many emotions to deal with and ultimately you do feel lonely.

housewifedesperate Fri 15-Apr-16 07:52:26

Thanks for the vid iamwoman, I'm going to try and use the steps. Thanks also for your end comment about what I'd think of a friend in my position, I don't think of myself as being brilliant at all, I sometimes feel like a horrible failure but that's my insecurities setting in again. I'm here, I'm doing it and hopefully my girls do actually appreciate me.

Writingdragonfly Wed 01-Jun-16 17:26:41

Hey op that sounds so hard! have you and the girls ever sat and been open with each other about the trauma of their dad leaving? I don't mean you totally vent at them, but be honest, show them that's it's ok to talk about what's hurting us and let them be open with you. You're their emotional punch bag right now and that's not ok but you can change it so that it becomes constructive. Have you thought about doing a spa day all together maybe, some "be good to yourselves" bonding to open that doorway to communicate?

Myusernameismyusername Thu 02-Jun-16 13:36:16

They don't hate you - you are the closest person to them and anything they feel often comes out to the person closest. I would keep trying to get close to them, work at being open about real feelings and how you communicate. Sometimes when my teen DD and I fall out and she hurts my feelings she clearly feels bad but then is angry at me even though I didn't do anything but really she's angry at herself and doesn't quite know how to deal with it.
Hugs to you x

Cakedoesntjudge Thu 02-Jun-16 13:42:09

Bless your heart sad

I have been a lone parent for 3 years now. My ds is only 5 so it's not the same but he thinks the sun shines out of his useless dad's behind and I'm the one who gets all the playing up/pushing boundaries etc.

I found it so tough to deal with at first and it seemed so unfair - it took my mum calling me most days to remind me of what others have said here: you're their security and their safe place and that's why you get all the shitty side of things.

All I can tell you is that it gets so much easier - I don't resent how he acts anymore and now it's been longer certain things show me that what's being said is true. If he's hurt/upset/ill then I'm the person he wants and no one else.

Being a lone parent is hard and there are still days where I put him to bed and have a glass most of a bottle of wine thinking I can't do this anymore, I can't make all the decisions and take all the responsibilities on myself. But they are only the odd days now, most of the time I find it immensely rewarding and we are all always here if you need a chat flowers

Myusernameismyusername Thu 02-Jun-16 13:44:31

Actually it does get easier I think, it's still raw after one year too x

RolandaHooch Thu 02-Jun-16 16:53:04

I had this, where all of the anger was directed at me. It took 9 months for it to subside and then the anger was diverted to his DF.

Just keep letting them know that you love them and you'll always be there. My relationship with my DS couldn't be stronger now and he's in his very late teens. They know who they can rely on.

Hold on in there. It'll get better.

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