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party invites

(21 Posts)
PrisonercellblockH Wed 13-Apr-16 21:39:56

how do you deal with party invites when they fall on nrp weekends? DD is now at school and is starting to get into the swing of parties which she loves. However if any of the parties fall on her dad's weekend he just point blank refuses to take her.

He won't respond to the invites directly so invariably I get chased by the party child's parents.

I don't know yet how understanding other parents are about this, none of them know the circumstances of our separation (ie DA) - it's not DD's fault this is happening and I'd hate for it to affect her friendships.

Fourormore Thu 14-Apr-16 09:09:01

I'd just say to the parents that you're sorry but she's with her dad that weekend. It's not going to affect her friendships. Children often can't attend for all sorts of reasons. They certainly don't need to know the circumstances of your separation.

You could push the issue if the contact isn't court ordered but he doesn't sound like he's willing to entertain the idea so it could just lead to more conflict.

Claraoswald36 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:15:11

Iirc cafcass put quite an emphasis on birthday parties. Your ex is being selfish and unreasonable. Also if he wants that much contact he needs to take on normal parenting tasks. Kids need a social life

VoyageOfDad Fri 15-Apr-16 19:51:40

As fourormore says , all you need say is that it's her w/e with dad, nobody will judge you or dd for it and I don't think it'd affect her school friendships, not at that age.

Sometimes with my XP, if there's a clash of dates, she'll ask me if I'm ok with it, then we'll talk about swapping days or whatever so that I still get time with dd. Often XP asks to take dd as she knows the mums better than me, but I get to choose.

I'm guessing there's generally not much flexibility?

FavaBeans Sun 17-Apr-16 12:38:55

"She's with her dad. *here's his number*"

veryproudvolleyballmum Sun 17-Apr-16 12:40:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cannotlogin Sun 17-Apr-16 13:35:25

I always ask my ex if he is happy for whichever child it is to go to a party at X place at Y time on Z day when he will be with them. He says yes or no. I reply accordingly but with the caveat 'he is with my ex on that day, he can be a little unreliable' (or something more explicit to mums I know well!). I provide present and card and about 50% of the time, he doesn't take them (and I never see the present again). I am not personally prepared to swap weekends etc as I value my time with my children just as much as he does and I have to suck it up and take the children to parties and other activities when they are with me.

From my point of view, I have a email paper trail of having asked and him having said yes so if in later years, they he tries the 'but your mum never told me', I have very clear evidence I did!

veryproudvolleyballmum Sun 17-Apr-16 13:41:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyndaNotLinda Sun 17-Apr-16 13:44:47

I've often had other mums say "he's with his dad that weekend/ day so not sure". If the dad doesn't bring them, I think he's a selfish arse (if he lives locally) but it doesn't affect my feelings about either the child or their mother. Or any future invitations for that matter smile

Fourormore Sun 17-Apr-16 15:17:27

"If the dad doesn't bring them, I think he's a selfish arse"

Do you think the same about other mums that don't bring their children?
You don't think the dad might have had other plans already?

LyndaNotLinda Sun 17-Apr-16 15:30:37

I was working on the basis of the OP's post "However if any of the parties fall on her dad's weekend he just point blank refuses to take her."

I think that's being a selfish arse, yes. And some of DS's friends' dads are equally selfish arses. Your child's social life is important

PrisonercellblockH Sun 17-Apr-16 15:31:15

No there's no flexibility, he thinks birthday parties infringe on his time with her. Which is pretty symptomatic of his perspective on parenting.

I've been going with the 'she's with her Dad, I've passed the invite on' and then emailing it to him so I guess I'll just continue with that.

I just know he will ignore all invites and that makes me really sad for her. And I hope she'll still get invited in future.

veryproudvolleyballmum Sun 17-Apr-16 15:51:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseAndOnionWalkers Sun 17-Apr-16 15:52:01

I wouldn't worry about declining whole class parties but I'd be livid if he didn't make the effort for a best friend's party.

LyndaNotLinda Sun 17-Apr-16 15:55:44

Access arrangements are for the benefit of the child - not the parent.

Penguinepenguins Sun 17-Apr-16 16:07:59

I think it's awful he doesn't want to take the child to a party... If the child wants to go.

Seeing the child is about the child or it should be - shouldn't it? Not the NRP.

PrisonercellblockH Sun 17-Apr-16 16:44:25

If he was doing other arranged stuff Very, then I wouldn't be so frustrated. But he ignores the invites and they just go to soft play or just stay home and watch TV.

Been through contact centre's, they're only a temporary thing.

I just agree that the contact should be about the child, not the parent.

veryproudvolleyballmum Sun 17-Apr-16 16:47:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NAR4 Mon 25-Apr-16 17:52:59

This is exactly what happens in my circumstances too. I always check the dates and tell the inviting parents if it is on ex's day and that I will pass the invite to him, to attend or respond as he wishes. I then txt the details to ex asap and give him the invite the nxt time he has the children. He normally doesn't respond to the invite, acknowledge my txt or go to the party. I simply tell any irate parent who is chasing up replies, that it is unfortunately out of my hands and entirely up to my ex, as I explained when I was given the invite for my child.

Lemonblast Tue 26-Apr-16 17:05:40

He's cutting his nose off to spite his face.
Ex used to do this. Point blank refuse to let the kids attend birthday parties, sports activities, extra rehearsals for dance shows etc.
As they've got older, they've voted with their feet and now just tell him that they have X party on X weekend or have signed up for this show and will be having extra rehearsals for the next three months.He doesn't have any choice but to accept that and I do think if he hadn't be quite so much of an arse in the early days, then they would be more flexible now.

I'd keep on sending him the invites and telling the parents involved that the kids are with him that weekend and he'll let them know if he'll be bringing the kids.

Hellywelly10 Sat 30-Apr-16 12:45:37

I think your ex is being an ass. Kids parties are very important our kids. It's likely that it could become a real problem for your child as they get older. Teenagers tend to vote with their feet. Parents need to be flexible.

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