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50/50 he is asking for it, if I fight it he won't get it, considering giving it to him.

(25 Posts)
Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 14:57:58

So I've had the children 100% for three years, 24/7 I am exhausted tbh.
Advantages : make him actually do some parenting.
Currently when they see him they walk the streets of the local town centre, he takes them to Starbucks etc for meals but it's not good for them.
He has no comprehension of what they cost and whinges constantly about paying child support.
Disadvantages: he basically abandoned them twice abroad because it suited his career/ new girlfriend - who's gone.
I think they would feel abandoned again.
He works all over the country. He some flexibility but not enough to ensure the older ones are looked after, the youngest child I guess would be in childcare.
He's not organised, when we were married he never got them to school on time once.

I half just want to show him it's not as easy as it bloody looks

RudeElf Sun 10-Apr-16 14:59:51

How exactly is he suitable for 50% of their parenting? confused

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 15:03:58

He wasn't even when we were married .... But he's applied for it .... I suppose I just think sometimes if he had it he'd bloody well have to shape up wouldn't he

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot Sun 10-Apr-16 15:07:57

The cynic in me thinks that he's asking for this so he can stop paying maintenance.

But perhaps he has other motivations and on the grounds of 'better late than never' it is worth trying.

Does he actually have a suitable place for them to live? And can you ask for assurances about what childcare will be in place when he is travelling for work?

RudeElf Sun 10-Apr-16 15:08:30

And never mind how it affects the kids?

You are their representative here. Yeah it might sound good to give him a taste of what you do but in reality, if he was the type to actually parent as required he would be doing it already. The kids will suffer all for your (understandable) desire to make a point. Keep their needs as priority and you'll not go wrong. If you think its serves their needs best to spend 50% of their time being parented as he does it then agree to it.

DorynownotFloundering Sun 10-Apr-16 15:11:20

And that would be good for the children how?

I totally get why you might want him to step up & give you a break but sounds like the best way to have some very unhappy children and sadly men like that rarely do step up even when they should.

I would query how he is going to meet their needs/ get them to school on his watch / provide for them when away.
Just in a matter of fact way, no sarcasm (however tempting!😝)

Make a detailed list of times where they have to be. Clubs they do, things they need. Might make him think.

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 15:11:33

You're right rude
No he will apparently find somewhere to live once he's been awarded 50/50 lol
Every week he tells them he's house hunting but never quite seems to find anywhere, this is of course my fault because he has to pay me maintainence

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 15:12:40

Oh we've had that conversation Dory .... They won't be able to do any clubs etc .... End of conversation

Penguinepenguins Sun 10-Apr-16 15:20:21

Agree with RudeElf, you will know what is in the best interests of the children, and you need to follow your instincts.

I also get how shattered you must be!

DP has always been 100% responsible for his DC, after their mother disappeared couldn't be bothered/got bored She has some contact but doesn't bother with her monthly visits for example, just likes to dip in and out at her convenience. She at one point decided she would be a "mother" again and changed her mind after a day hmm

So I'm sending you flowers flowers and saying hang in there and could you maybe get a relative to look after them for an overnight just so you can have a small break? Not sure how old they are but sound older if in town alone smile and maybe just soke breathing space will give you some clarity?

RudeElf Sun 10-Apr-16 15:23:34

I've been waiting 10 years for my DC's dad to actually meet their needs. He threatened the whole "i'll get them 50:50" too. So i said "ok, we'll try it, what days do you want to have them?" So he chose eow Friday to sunday (which he was already doing) and every tuesday evening til wednesday school drop off. So really he had them one extra night a week, not even 50/50 whenit was entirely his choice. The tuesday even happened once and he didnt turn up the next week for them because of aome bullshit "car trouble" excuse (no text or phonecall to warn me) so i turned up with them the following tuesday and that wasnt convenient because he had plans. That was the end of the tuesday night arrangement. I told him to let me know if another night suited. I'm still waiting 2 years later. The 2 nights eow became one night eow due to his work changing his shifts which was "out of his control" (nothing to do with him increasing his shifts to pay for his wedding. hmm) and then in january he stopped seeing them altogether cause... reasons. On the weekends he was seeing them he was leaving them at his mum's and they werent getting to their football matches (established well before he had weekend contact) so they lost their places on the team. Dinner was regularly toast or a bagel with red sauce on it. Bedtime didnt exist. But yeah, he wanted 50/50 hmm

I know the type well OP. He's full of guff. Ignore and plough on as you have been doing. Your dc will thank you for it.

Penguinepenguins Sun 10-Apr-16 15:32:20

This all sounds very familiar RudeElf!

DP had had many years of this and we had little spate a while ago with mumbles of actually seeing DC rude demanding text messages only to have "plans" appear from nowhere on the day of arrangements now it just doesn't bother to even say lie about why it can't make it on the monthly visits.

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 15:36:17

This the thing, he never misses contact and on days when I offer him more he takes it up. But of course it's always at his convenience and he doesn't get that things just don't work like that with kids day to day. Fine on a bank holiday when we are all off work/school but his answer to how he'd cope when he has to work away is that I'd have to have them 😳

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 15:38:09

Neither of us have any family support which is one of the reason the marriage broken down in the first place it's always been relentless

Penguinepenguins Sun 10-Apr-16 15:49:17

So, he wants 50/50 as long as it doesn't interfere with his ususal life? Trying so hard not to bash as its good he has a relationship with them.

But he has a very different idea of what 50/50 is compared to me... It is like he saying I want 50/50 but when I'm too busy or it's not convenient to me then your have to have them hmm if I have got it right?

Meanwhile in cloud cockoo land... I get to still be "fun" parent, look after on my days when it suits me but use DC mother as a baby sitter and I get to pay less maintenance, etc etc..

Penguinepenguins Sun 10-Apr-16 15:50:40

And yes I know you can't be a "baby sitter" for your own children.... Before I get jumped on!

Just that in a 50/50 arrangement it should be if you are not available, he would need to sort out childcare.

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 15:59:43

That is about the size of it penguin .... He's quite open about it and his mother agrees with him 😂
It's all about the money hence the temptation to say fuck it, see how you get on, it'll cost him a damn sight more than £700 a month to feed/cloth/entertain them plus loss of earnings and I could get a job and be a lot better off

Penguinepenguins Sun 10-Apr-16 16:13:12

Their mothers really don't help these types do they! You can't just "dabble" as it chooses - well some can't anyway!

I don't think it sounds like your be in any different situation than you are now regarding access if he had 50/50 custody.

I think it sounds like you will end up worse off and with more of a mess on your hands. But I guess you could say lets "trial" it, in case he decides to just go via mediation/court? (Although can't think anything would change) but sounds like your find it will be the same experience as RudeElf describes...

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 16:30:59

It's already going to court and he will loose I was just considering saving myself the bother tbh and letting him and his mother crack on.
But as rightly said its the kids that'll suffer

DelphiniumBlue Sun 10-Apr-16 16:36:38

Have I misread your post? You said that he's abandoned therm twice abroad -but you're considering letting him have more contact????

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 16:38:29

He abandoned all of us, not the kids on their own sorry, but still very bad we literally had no money, right to work or anywhere to live - the court doesn't give a shit about that though, it's in the past.

middleeasternpromise Sun 10-Apr-16 16:47:57

I've been here its not worth it - they don't learn anything its still your fault that it doesn't work the way they want it to - you spoilt them; they should be able to do this that the other. The first time its a choice between their needs and the children the children are hauled to your doorstep at some ridiculous hour because 'they have no choice'. You will be dealing with upset and anxious children who will not automatically see it that daddy is at fault just that their life is upside down. Don't know what age they are but this type of thing doesn't work as an experiment. Make him do whole holidays as a starting point and then move from there even that usually taxes the uncommitted.

megletthesecond Sun 10-Apr-16 16:53:28

I really wouldn't. He's not suddenly going to buck his ideas up and the kids will suffer.

I know it's shit being totally on your own, I've done it for seven years and I've got another ten to go. But at least I know the buck stops with me and no one is going to mess up our plans.

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 17:00:54

Well this is the other thing of course too, the kids think the grass is greener and I need a break which is sweet but I can see them ending up as three little wives for him

bloodyteenagers Sun 10-Apr-16 17:04:39

Let him carry on to court.
I doubt he will get far. It will cost him money.
Even if it does, would love to see the questions being asked about where will he have the children for his 50%. or how he will manage work and 50%. Hopefully the judge has a sense of humour lol.

I think they use the 50% to try and exert some control.
Mine has been saying this for months. Expect a letter as I am going for 50%.
Great I said.

Fuck knows how he will do it. He isn't working. He hasn't got anywhere to stay. He shows up at most once a week and sees the love of his live for a maximum of 2 hours.. Entirely his choice. Several weeks go with nothing including shit excuses. The latest, sorry I didn't see you, I had no internet... Child pissed himself laughing at that one, and he's getting fucked off with the shite excuses. Child is very smart and screen shots all the messages.

Pisssssedofff Sun 10-Apr-16 17:09:32

Will the court ask that though ? For the first hearing they seemed more interested in me tbh. Cafcass were on my side but a section 7 has been requested because my darling 11 year old told them I don't feed them .... Honestly they were stuffing their faces with out of season blueberries whilst the social worker was there .... Lucidcrous but I guess they have to check these things out.

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