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Ex not allowing dd to attend birthday party

(94 Posts)
ROZ12 Sun 03-Apr-16 10:42:25

Hi all

My dd has her best friends birthday coming up and wants to attend but falls on dads weekend . He refuses to take her as its his weekend and wants to rest. Dd is upset but frightened to confront dad.

Also dad asked me to owe back mid week contacts when there is a school event after school and dd cannot go to dads is that fair? It's not in my control if school decides to arrange a parent evening on dad contact night? Ex has said every mid week contact missed I will owe him back a night in contact - they are accumulating fast!

Advise please.


CheeseAndOnionWalkers Sun 03-Apr-16 11:39:17

How far away does he live and does he know it's her best friend?

With school events- if they generally fall on say Wed night can he see her Tues or Thursday instead on those weeks? How long are these events? Are they on the lines of 30 minutes straight after school or drop off at 6pm, pick up at 7pm sort of events?

ROZ12 Sun 03-Apr-16 13:07:25

He knows it's her best friend . Not far from him either.

The school events fall after school till 8-9 pm.

He doesn't want to swap to other evenings but owe him nights in return ? It's not fair as I don't organise school events and I take her to them when they fall on my nights.

MrsKCastle Sun 03-Apr-16 13:17:17

With the party, I'm afraid it is his choice. It's not fair on her and of course he should take her, but you can't force him. Perhaps you could suggest a special playdate on one of your weekends so she can celebrate bf's birthday? In the long run, he is showing her his true colours and as she gets older she will stop spending time with him.

With the school nights, I think you need to consider whether she always needs to miss contact. Your DD doesn't have to go to parents evening, you can go on your own. What other events are there? You say they are 'mounting up' but it's quite rare for schools to hold evening events isn't it?

CheeseAndOnionWalkers Sun 03-Apr-16 13:17:57

The party thing is shit.

I understand why he's annoyed about the after school events but can not understand why he just wouldn't change nights? Was he controlling when you were together? The only explanation I can think of is that he enjoys the feeling of you owing him.

tribpot Sun 03-Apr-16 13:22:11

Does she need to go to the parents' evening? How old is she?

The party thing is bullshit but it's his choice. Eventually he will reap as he sows. I would make sure the friend knows why she can't attend and as MrsK says perhaps a special playdate to make up for it.

ROZ12 Sun 03-Apr-16 14:44:37

Yes very controlling when he was with me abusive relationship controlled who I saw what I wore etc.

My dd is 13 complaining a lot lately she hates going to dads wants to reduce contact but court order in place I'm afraid .

The Thursday thing the owed nights accumulated over two years , sometimes she has rehearsals for events , sometimes she has rests on Fridays so doesn't want to go etc.

starry0ne Sun 03-Apr-16 21:16:13

Maybe dad could take her to parents evening instead of you?

Keeptrudging Sun 03-Apr-16 21:24:34

I have DSD's. The older they get, the more flexible contact needs to be (IMO) as they get more independent and their friendships are massively important. At 13, her Dad would do well to take her wishes into account. Her best friend's party is really important, your ex should be taking her or she just misses contact and he has to accept it. Court orders can be renegotiated as children get older. I don't think they're supposed to be forever set in stone, and he can't force her to go. Much better that she wants to see him/is able to swap days etc.

Lunar1 Sun 03-Apr-16 21:24:53

At 13 is she at an age where she could have some say over contact. I'd look at getting the court order revised.

Floggingmolly Sun 03-Apr-16 21:31:06

Can't she get there by herself, or does he live very rurally? Surely a 13 year old doesn't need to be taken to parties?

LeaLeander Sun 03-Apr-16 21:33:03

At her age can't she speak to the court about her fear of her father and her dislike of visiting him? It must be horrible to be handed over to a controlling jerk like that. Imagine the detrimental effect this is going to have on her adult relationships. ugh.

lovemylife49 Sun 03-Apr-16 21:43:26

As the party falls on his weekend, couldn't you just swap weekends with him? He could then rest and she could go to the party.

BombadierFritz Sun 03-Apr-16 21:57:37

Why cant she go to school events on her contact nights? Wont he take her/pick her up? If so, its another reason to look at those contact order details again. The party thing is pretty crappy if she is 13 and its her best friend sad
On the plus side - only a few more years and you can be free of this completely

ROZ12 Sun 03-Apr-16 22:21:03

He won't swap weekends and yes I keep feeling this will all affect her when she is older in her own relationship she may think it is ok to be forced to do things. Yes she text me saying she is cried when she got to dads on bathroom and she said she prays the 10 days goes quick .

Dad never goes to parents evening he isn't interested. I pay solely for her school fees. Dad has 4-7. 30 on Thursdays so he doesn't see point picking up and dropping and not being able tp see her- to be honest all he does is take her to his mums , my dd dots homework then back in car back to me!!

ROZ12 Sun 03-Apr-16 22:25:20

How do o get a court order revised ? I don't have money for solicitor , which form ? Also don't I have mediate first ? He already said no to changing it. I'm also concerned she is 13 and has no bedroom or privacy at dads, shares single bed with halfsis , again hates it all . She also says she is so bored there , dad works on Saturdays , after ten days hols she says she didn't go anywhere and very bored . No laptop etc there for her and too scared to take phone dad may snatch and read her mesges . She text me secretly . I know all very controlling. I had same on my marriage .

bloodyteenagers Sun 03-Apr-16 22:26:35

At 13 get the order revised. She can now have a say.
Contact us about her, not the parents.

Yes it will be hard for her. However reassure her that the officials will listen to her. You can even request that no parent is present during her interviews. Let her know that she can be fully honest.

TheWrathofNaan Sun 03-Apr-16 22:31:38

She will be listened to by court. No court can make her have contact at 13 that she doesn't want. He sounds like a real bully.

bloodyteenagers Sun 03-Apr-16 22:35:38

You can self represent.

Have a read of the above two as a starting point

RandomMess Sun 03-Apr-16 22:36:15

My understanding is that you can self represent so it will be minimal court fees to pay and yes you may have to go to mediation first but if you can't agree then you can still go to court.

It will probably be stressful but please do this for your DDs sake sad

dunfightin Sun 03-Apr-16 23:07:16

Does she have any adult she can talk to at school? A teacher she gets on with or access to a counsellor. Aged 13, her views will be taken very seriously by courts/Cafcass. Seeing friends and having a social life are all very important to a teenager. If you represent yourself then it's only the cost of the court fee and in any case it'll be her views and 'evidence' that will be decisive. No privacy either personal or on the phone does sound very controlling and would raise concerns. But her having a neutral adult to talk to would be helpful. Contact is there purely for the child not for the adult.

ROZ12 Sun 03-Apr-16 23:25:55

Thanks for advice everyone - feeling really guilty now for making my dd go all these years when she hated it . I'm just so scared of retaliation my dd wil get confronted and questioned now. I fear for her more than me . Her father often takes her into a room and questions her and feels like no choice but to say yes.

She never lets me say anything due to retaliation.

I presume from links sent by kind parent i have to apply for a specific issues order? And maybe financial for fees.

ROZ12 Mon 04-Apr-16 00:20:13

No adult to talk to feels uncomfortable

bloodyteenagers Mon 04-Apr-16 01:32:21

Also post in legal. There are a few lawyers who use this place. Baby someone (cannot think of the full user name) is in the legal field.

also have a look on gingerbread and f4j (if they are still called that)

She won't get confronted. It's someone from the courts that talk to her. Even if he says well dd told me she wants x,y and z it shouldn't matter. Just what she told the welfare person.

LeaLeander Mon 04-Apr-16 11:27:29

This is very damaging to her. You are the adult! You must step up and get her out of this horrid situation despite your fears. Interrogated, isolated, third-world sleeping conditions?? And you send her off to that instead of fighting to change it?

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