My ex and I have been separated for 4 months. A year ago he took a temporary job 200 miles away, coming home every weekend. Up until that point he'd been a very involved father.
I didn't see it at the time, but he was subtly manipulating me over a period of 5 years, so that everything he wanted he got. There were some very painful events (such as finding out impotence was actually a porn addiction being fulfilled on a regular basis in a locked bathroom - this went on for two years before I found out) which triggered some angry verbal outbursts from me.
Feeling dreadful about my behaviour towards him, I took myself off to therapy and I asked for a referral to community mental health. I did absolutely everything the cmht told me to do. I was able to stop the outbursts.
Over the period he was away with work, I started to find my self confidence grow, and I really enjoyed being it just me and our daughter.
However, when I went to spend the weekend with him three weeks before Christmas, he told me in a five minute conversation it was over as I was on my way out of his flat to drive 200 miles home and collect our daughter from his parents.
I was absolutely devasted. I left the car and took a train home. He refused to come home and tell our daughter, expecting me to wait a week. Two days later I told her.
He asked to have every other weekend with our daughter. I was shocked he wanted so little contact, and I repeatedly told him he could see more of her. I also told his parents that they could come and see her whenever they wanted. I bought her an ipod so that she could facetime him. I offered him the first Christmas. He declined.
The ipod backfired because he would only answer her calls at very specific times. She got upset and started saying she didn't want to talk to him. I tried explaining the problem to him, but instead he got angry with me because I wasn't making her talk to him.
This all became far too much, and one weekend whilst he had her, I was weighing up jumping off a motorway bridge. The next day I took her to school, went straight to the doctors and was immediately referred to the crisis team. They sent someone out to check on my daughter's welfare, and there were no concerns. Social services were made aware, but after talking to school and crisis team, they decided not to even visit.
3 months on and I am astonished at how much better I am. It is a nightmare co-parenting with him. He questions my judgement on everything. I've arranged for a play therapist to see my daughter. He even doesn't agree with that.
I'm starting to hear rumours he's planning to take full residential custody. I'd agree 50:50 with him if he were to move back this way, but he won't - he's decided to stay 200 miles away. Last weekend he told our daughter he's getting a house round the corner from a park. It's starting to look as though these rumours are true - in his weekends there isn't enough time to take her all the way to his, so it's puzzling as to why he's gone to the expense.
The other theory is he's so interested in appearing to be a good Dad, that even if she spends just 3 weeks a year in that house, it doesn't matter because he's still the guy that rents a house with a room for his daughter. This does fit with his other behaviour, but then so does going for custody.
How worried should I be?
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Should I fear a custody challenge
GeekyGirl1982 · 02/04/2016 00:31
Thank you everyone. Couple of you have asked why a play therapist. If you are 7 years old and your Dad suddenly leaves three weeks before Christmas and then Mum is so devastated she ends up the in scenario I describe above, even though I tried my best to insulate her, what was her Christmas was like?
There's also the stuff he's told her about faking his love for Mummy and other such gems. Last weekend he had her on his birthday, and she complained to me that he spent all day on his ipad and then took her to a social event that she was bored at. She wondered why I'd packed her off to him on her birthday 
. (It was because he asked to have her).
Plus try my best, but can you imagine the acting I have to pull when I say only nice things about him to her. She's a smart kid, she must know it's not quite what I really think.
On balance, she is coping brilliantly. But I have enough concerns about the situation to not leave her emotional wellbeing to chance.
Kitty biscuits, I am worried about the secret cameras you appear to have installed in my house 
. That's right on the money.
I think play therapy is a really good idea. Even if it was as happy a separation as one can imagine, it's still a huge loss for the child and play therapy can really help them process those emotions 
Sorry about the cctv 
. Minimal contact is the way to go and yy to arrangements made in writing to there is documentation. Based on the special birthday he arranged for her 
do you think you might be accommodating his wishes too much in order to avoid conflict/court? Re his comments to your daughter, keep a diary and aim for a neutral responses such as 'oh well daddy says silly things sometimes'. He sounds very manipulative.
It's just under 70 miles from where we live now and an extra 15 minutes on the journey for him compared with now. The problem it presents is he has nowhere to stay here (well he does, my Mum would accommodate him). So he's complaining he'll only be able to see her once a month. I'm kinda "well, isn't it a shame you decided to be a fuckstick then" but I know that kind of statement won't be used by my solicitor.
As I write this, I'm in my Mum's house. She's telling me to get off my phone and get dressed. I'm over 30 ffs!!
Lol. Just tell your Mum 'In a minute'. If he moves 200 miles away he can't really complain at your move adding 15 minutes to his journey time so that you can support yourself and your daughter and be nearer to family. You might not feel like it now, but he has doneyou a massive favour. Time to start firming up your boundaries with him
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