Angry daughter refusing to see father

[starsong32]

Help! My daughter (10) is flatly refusing to see her father. We have been separated only a few weeks (due to his behaviour) and he has started a relationship with another woman (who has no children and manages a pub) He's a functioning alcoholic who has never really been interested in the children (also have a 7 yr old so with him). We have had a dreadful year - he was arrested for violence against me last year and has been verbally abusive, in front of our daughter while drunk, after Christmas. I have had to cut all contact between myself and him. He is now wanting to see them (for 2 hours on a Sunday!) My sister is mediating for us at the moment but daughter is refusing point blank. Son also says the same but I think he's just following her lead. What do I do? Last time we saw him he stank of stale drink. He has no plans for them and has flatly refused to provide a second home for them. Has refused to address his drinking and has no chosen a new partner who has a pub! So many bad choices. Do I force them to see him? He has a older son who he has never bothered with. I'm so torn as I don't want them to hate him but I don't want them exposed to his issues/bad choices either. I really don't know what to do 😢

[Lonecatwithkitten]

My DD (12) over the last few years has had periods where she choose not to say her Dad for similar reasons including alcohol and affair.
I made her available for contact, but she then told him she was not going. If your ExH is anything like mine he would just walk away each time.
The issues are likely to be that in truth she wants to go, but she wants him to prove he wants her to go so when he walks off there are lots of pieces to pick up. We ultimately had a five month period when she was ten where she didn't see him I initially left it as I was pretty certain he was not going to take me to court and then towards the end started to work towards seeing him again. She again refused about four months ago on just one occasion.

[WellErrr]

Well he's made his bed, hasn't he?

Would you like to see him for a little outing on Sundays? Thought not.

If they've seen and experienced what you have of him, you can hardly be surprised. It's sad, but I really don't think you can or should make them see him. Let him build the bridges - sounds like he needs to. It's not your job.

[WellErrr]

Should add - it sounds from what you've written that he won't be planning on being a meaningful part of their lives anyway. Better that they choose it now, than they get rejected by him later on.

[Jw35]

Good girl! I wouldn't let my kids anywhere near this dickhead. He doesn't deserve anything and will do more harm than good.

[Piemernator]

I have 4 friends whose DC are all now teenagers who have always facilitated their DC seeing their ex husbands/partners. One actually said I don't ever want my child to turn around and say you stopped me seeing Dad. They have had variable results due to the crapness of their ex partners.

You have facilitated them staying in contact you can do nothing more than that. I think a violent alcoholic is someone I would not want my child seeing even if he is their Father. Leave channels open and respect her current wishes.

[BlackeyedSusan]

certainly would not force the issue as he is violent, verbally abusive and not that invested in seeing her.

make a note of the time he smelt of alcohol. it would not be a good idea to send them because of his drinking anyway.

if he goes for access, push for supervised due to his drinking and abusiveness in front of them. report any violence or abuse if it occurs again.

[ClarenceTheLion]

He sounds like a shit person to be around. Protect your dc's from that, and ignore the 'They deserve to see their father' chorus. What they actually deserve is to be heard and have their wishes taken into account. As someone said above, would you want to hang out with him? You don't have to say anything bad about him, but don't pretend he's Mr Wonderful either. They know who he is.

[cestlavielife]

It s only been a few weeks. Don't push her.
Give it a few months. Let him prove and show he is stable /not drinking/ not aggressive.

[cestlavielife]

You have the evidence of his arrest to show any court why you haven't pushed contact. If he insists talk to dd about supervised contact with someone she trusts

[cestlavielife]

I mean if she wants to see him .