Readers of Relationships threads will know that my husband recently killed himself. He hadn't been very nice and I had a week prior thrown him out, so no personal loss to me (although the circumstances were awful and there was a horrendous betrayal) but I am struggling most with lone parenting.
I have three under 7. All have dealt with the death well. I'm still off work on CL but back in a couple of weeks. I have a high pressured job and am so worried about coping.
My 20 month old has been ill on and off for a fortnight now and I have been sleeping on a mattress on her floor. I am up for hours with her some nights and am struggling. I often go to another room to shout and swear at 2am and I have taken to loudly and unsympathetically 'shushing' her every time she makes a noise. I'm desperate to sleep and know I wouldn't normally get so irritated.
The five and seven year old (both boys) can be naughty and fight and I am on a shorter and shorter fuse with them. I find myself snapping at them unreasonably.
I have a great nanny but worry so much about going back to work and struggling on poor sleep. Plus I had often worked at home in the evenings and I feel like this is going to be harder when my daughter suddenly gets sick again.
Work will be understanding (they know all about the circumstances as H worked there too) and my nanny is going to stay over a couple of nights a week hopefully, but I'm already feeling strained. My salary is very high (and it needs to be now, more than ever) and I don't want to take the piss.
I find myself raging against dead twatty H in the middle of the night and obviously this doesn't help with sleep! Seeing an ace counsellor and that is helping but it feels bleak sometimes. I also have a really bad back from musical beds and this is exacerbating my irritability.
I guess I'd love to hear from other totally single mums with three who have come out the other side from the very young children days.
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A handhold required from other single mums
dilys4trevor · 23/03/2016 09:00
You are dealing with so much I honestly can't imagine. Truly you should cut yourself some slack - these are incredibly difficult circumstances and I don't know if anyone who could deal with this and feel sane.
I am a single parent to two and sometimes it's bloody hard (like today with DD feverish and vomiting and trying to get her medicine without being able to leave the house) but these are just minor parenting niggles compared with the emotional shock you are in.
All I can say as a lone parent of 9 years standing is that I enjoy my life and we are a happy unit. You have that to look forward to but for now it must be a battle just to get through the day.
One thing I do is a lot of positive talk to myself. I achieve a lot (I also have a fairly stressy high powered sort of job) and I manage a lot at home and I tell myself I am doing a really impressive job. When you don't have a partner to support you (sounds like you didn't anyway) you need to be your own cheerleader, mentor and best friend.
for you.
OP, I get days like that and feel just as awful as you described. I think any strain, be it mental, emotional or physical, makes us start to crack a bit. For me it's physical because I have multiple sclerosis and feel so unwell a lot of the time. It makes me short tempered and I hate myself for it. But in the rare gaps I feel physically better, everything else is much more cope-able too, and I become a sweeter persons for it. If I get in to get sweary and short tempered I have to take a step back and see that I'm under a terrible strain that is above and beyond the norm, just like you are at the moment (but obviously for different reasons).
I find that my sweary moments have a bit of a theme, like when I am running late, and they do the usual poo on the way out the door, spilt drink when there's not enough time to drag myself upstairs and find a change of clothes, mucking about when they should be cleaning teeth and settling into bed, all normal stuff but the sort of thing that makes me feel mad when I don't feel ok! Knowing this helps me to forward plan and buy myself more time so these little incidents don't become so overwhelming. I can really sympathise without over sleep deprecation because it is a form of torture and it sounds like you've got enough torture to deal with already.
You're right to hang on to the fact that your 20 month old will regain health and therefore stop coughing at night, and overall the shock and trauma you've been through will begin to settle and consolidate, and you will find yourself emerging through it all. Make life as easy for yourself as you can, and it sounds like you need to spend a huge part of your money to buy physical help so you can get much needed support and rest, just for this time (especially as it sounds from what you say as though you can afford it?).
In a perverse way your description of how you are and how bad you feel, makes me feel a bit better because I've lived under a similar guilt, and it's horrible, isn't it? But someone once said that the very fact it bothers me proves I am a good parent, because bad parents wouldn't care at all. So what I'm trying to say is we would all be kinder to ourselves I think. Sometimes life's a real struggle and we don't do every thing perfectly, but we can only keep realigning ourselves with where we want to be and head in the right direction. But above all, be patient with yourself! 
Thanks This. I'm sorry you are going through something shit. I agree that watching out for pressure points is a good idea. I know what mine are: whinging, messiness, fighting.
And yes, a shit parent wouldn't reflect on the kind of job they are doing at all!
and 
to you and everyone who has responded so far x
Perhaps you could structure your day a bit to suit you? Try not to be in a hurry- and if you can get wellies on the DC a puddle walk is always a hit, I find. Then home for hot chocolate, early bath and they can watch a bit of tv. Also letting them play in the bath with toys at any time is an option?
I plan out the days ( and weekends) so we are organised but flexible. And I am very interested in the DC having a say in things, much more co operative all round ( age appropriate) and it takes pressure off you in some ways.
Poorly DC are always difficult, my dd is often poorly and co sleeps. It's exhausting and I also get irritable. I tell the DC I'm feeling grumpy and they say " poor mummy, we're going to play in our rooms for a bit" They are also allowed to be grumpy! Or wild with excitement as DC can be.
and it will be ok. You're all getting used to huge change. It won't be speedy. Accept that, and have a vision of what you and the DC would like to live and be- and you'll slowly get there. Slowly is good. It is - gentle with yourselves and each other.
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