abusive ex role-modelling lack of respect for women to my son

[earlycomputers]

Not sure what to do about this - my ds is 6 and so at an impressionable age. I want him to have a father figure and understand how important it is for boys to bond with their fathers. He has a good relationship with his father, (my ex - who was abusive to myself and his daughter in the past), but I am worried about my son growing up with a lack of respect for me and women in general. My ex frequently bad mouths me and other women in general (eg 'women drivers') in front of my son, and whilst I can't stop him saying this stuff, I feel like doing or saying something to counter the future damage he could be causing to my son. Has anyone got any advice? thanks

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

That sounds awful. Not sure what to say as I'm sure you're giving him a positive example of motherhood. Do you challenge your ex if he says these things in front of you?
Also: not sure your son's 'bond' with his dad trumps the fact that he's been an abuser of at least two other human beings, regardless of sex?

[Steelojames]

My son is 2 and for the same reasons I've decided it's best for now he doesn't see his dad as I simply will not have my son exposed to it.

[earlycomputers]

Steelojames - that is something I have thought of doing too - but how in practice can you stop the father seeing his kids? Would I have to get a court order? I cant see my ex agreeing to not seeing his son.

[wibblywobbler]

This is one of the reasons I don't let my ex see our son.

You can stop contact if you don't have a court order, you don't need to go to court.

Your ex needs to go to mediation then court in order to resume contact

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

Op your post might get more traffic iif you ask for it to be removed to Relationships.

[Marilynsbigsister]

I would think very very carefully before you remove your child's father from his life. Mediation costs £200 each parent. The court proceedings a further 215. That's not including solicitors if you do not self represent. You may get your wish of no contact simply because he can't afford the costs or simply doesn't understand how to challenge the lack of contact, but your child will lose his father. That's a huge price to pay.

[niceupthedance]

I have this to an extent. I am not party to the things DC's dad says to him but he is a vile creature. I just make sure I counter the viewpoint with my own, dropping things into conversation and challenging any things he has brought back from his dad. Surely this is better than him never seeing him again for a reason he will not understand?

[Rosyleigh]

I agree with Niceup - teach your son about equality and feminism, and the struggles that women have today. Teach him what abuse is and comment negatively on everyday sexism. Despite having an a misogynist, abusive father my boy (9) considers himself a feminist and disapproves massively of his father's attitude to women. He could teach his dad a thing or two, that's for sure.

[ohforfoxsake]

This is happening here too. Like PP I am counteracting it by raising my sons and daughters as feminists.

Most if my DCs have little to do with their dad, although he pops by regularly he doesn't spend much time with them.

But he does spend time with DS2 who is 13. DS2 often speaks to me badly and with contempt. It immediately puts me on the defensive because that's is how is father spoke to me. So DS2 generally cops for it. However, I do know an element of this is general teenagery contempt too so I try not to take it personally.

DS2 has female friends. I read his social media/messages (he knows this) and he is a very emotionally intelligent, mature, kind, caring boy so I'm pretty reassured that his fathers influence isn't winning.

Thank God.

[earlycomputers]

Thanks for all your helpful advice - it's a relief to know others out there have the same problem. Not an easy one is it?

[nonladyofleisure]

I could have written this post. My son is 6... And luckily knows right from wrong and treats his mummy like a princess and calls me beautiful etc never bad mouths me ever however his dad speaks to me like crap and my son is impressionable when he says daddy said you shouldn't do this or do that.

I think the main thing is having as many good role models as possible around your son X

[user1463702394]

My sons father is exactly the same, my son is only 18 months and no longer shows any interest in his dad. I have removed his father from our home and we are no longer in a relationship. Any visitation is supervised by myself. Your children's emotional well being is more important than anything else. I always think if I would not tolerate it from anyone else, why tolerate it from him?