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Single/lone mums of boys

(19 Posts)
CaptainKit Sun 20-Mar-16 20:59:11

I'm a long way from needing an answer to this question but I'm trapped under a feeding baby and it came to mind.

I had my son through IVF with donor sperm so there is no male parent on the scene. My father, step father and brother in law are all around for support and as male role models, but I don't want to automatically offload 'boy things' to them if my son, once older, is comfortable talking to me.

So the question - is there a book or a website or some sort of resource for women like me with info about the more physical 'boy stuff' - toilet hygiene (mainly penis-related stuff; as I've never had one of my own!), puberty, all that malarkey?

I suppose a generic puberty book would fulfill that second bit. It's more the things another male would know that I might not.

My son's only a month old, so definitely no rush - nor any specific examples, it's just something that crossed my mind.

RabbitSaysWoof Sun 20-Mar-16 21:04:46

Congratulations flowers
It's sounds like you have the boxes ticked for role modals, I think that's the most important thing. As a lp of a ds I'm watching with interest.

DancingDinosaur Sun 20-Mar-16 21:13:36

I don't think the physical stuff has ever been an issue really. When it came to pot training i got the big green frog potty from argos because boys bits fit in better. With normal pottys the risk of wee across the floor is very high. I taught ds to sit down to go for a wee, when he got to nursery he copied the other boys and stood up as they had mini urinals. So far there hasn't been anything else thats been an issue. Ds is 6 now. There is the raising boys book, I have got it but tbh I never read it so no idea if its useful or not. Others swear by it though.

lokijet Sun 20-Mar-16 21:26:23

im in the same boat as you but with fewer role models (my dad died when i was at school) . Mostly its not been too much of an issue - my son did have a bit of a "daddy" fixation when he around 2 and realised other people had one.

Toilet training was fine but i did get one of my brothers to help improve standing up wees at one point and outdoor bush wees

I bought a few books (raising remarkable boys etc) but TBH always so busy never read them properly

DancingDinosaur Sun 20-Mar-16 21:32:28

Oh the one thing ds has done is join the beavers, where theres more of his people (loads of boys!) he absolutely loves it, the first out of school activity he's been enthusiastic about ever really.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 20-Mar-16 21:32:39

yeah.. it is not easy to google little boys' penises without arousing suspicion. we by-passed google and went straight to the dr.

puberty we have discussed in both male and female. and self examination prompted by the board in the dr's

CaptainKit Sun 20-Mar-16 21:52:31

I hadn't considered quite how much he'll pick up from his peers. That's handy to bear in mind.

All future googlings will have to be carefully worded! I'm hoping I raise him to be able to ask me anything, so at the very least I can look it up/come here/call male relative/GP depending on what he's asking. Obviously that's ideal world, but it's the plan as of this early stage!

wannabestressfree Sun 20-Mar-16 22:01:16

I have three boys and am a single mum smile we muddle through.

starry0ne Mon 21-Mar-16 13:20:14

I have DS(8) very little men around ..He has had men he looks up to such as beaver/ scouts... He plays cricket ..
I did have the how to raise books which just irritated me to be honest...

I have learnt to let him to a bit more safety wise than I am comfortable.. Dad's tend to do that part.. I can't wrap him up in cotton wool..

I would say generally boys seem to need to physically burn off more energy than girls...Less likely to sit down.. They do learn from their peers too. However I taught my DS all the medical terms for his bits when he was 7 and he taught all his mates...

MeMySonAndl Mon 21-Mar-16 20:07:19

I have a few boots that I have found very very useful, the best of them is Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph.

Other ones that are interesting are: The Single Mother's Guide to Raising Remarkable Boys by Pannettieri, Manhood by Steven Biddulph, How to Talk so Kids will listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Feber and Elaine Mazlish (an invaluable tool whether you are a single parent or not). And Putting Children First, a Manual for Separated Parents if you are trying to find a way to co parent effectively together.

But if you can only get one, get Raising Boys by Biddulph, it is such an eye opener on the psychology of boys and a pretty good read too.

MeMySonAndl Mon 21-Mar-16 20:07:38

Books, boots.. Not so.

VoyageOfDad Mon 21-Mar-16 20:14:11

There's always dadsnet if you have any male specific questions.

MeMySonAndl Mon 21-Mar-16 20:19:37

He will pick up a lot from his peers, which is why it is so important to establish good communication channels since a very early age (nothing better to make a boy talk than strap him in the car and go for a long ride).

My clue for "the talk" came when DS was about seven and asked me what was a vagina, so out came all my pregnancy books, and just answered his questions as they came (which didn't prevent him from derailing the conversation into what was a birthing stool and demanding to know for weeks why I had chosen no to use one!)

Backingvocals Mon 21-Mar-16 20:20:00

I also have a son via a donor (and a daughter) and also felt I needed some kind of briefing on boy issues. But it turns out it's all pretty obvious! I got my dad to take him into the urinals a few times. And he had a run in with balanitis which was obviously new to me! But the mechanics don't seem to require special instructions at this stage.

I also read all those books but confess I'm not a fan of Steve Biddulph. He's a bit "boys are like dogs" which annoys me. I also didn't need him to tell me to cuddle my boy.

MeMySonAndl Mon 21-Mar-16 20:22:56

Sorry, just realised you got pregnant with the help of a donor, but that book of Putting Children First would be also great if at some point you decide to blend your little family with another one smile

MeMySonAndl Mon 21-Mar-16 20:26:17

Really, I found Raising Boys very useful, especially the parts when he talks about the effect of hormones at certain times during their development how to deal with hierarchy issues when trying to find their feet as independent teenagers.

It was a bit difficult to read his views on nurseries (I didn't have any options) but still, great advice.

Backingvocals Mon 21-Mar-16 20:33:25

Maybe I need to read it again. I read it when DS was a toddler. I found him a bit Oliver James-y in his willingness to insist that mothers must give up everything to nurture their children but also that they are otherwise a bit irrelevant because they don't do enough rough and tumble man stuff... But no dad on the scene here and I guess it wasn't written for my sort of family. And it might be more useful as DS gets older.

MeMySonAndl Mon 21-Mar-16 20:50:10

Interesting... The rough and tumble is useful as it helps them to find about their own strength and also to learn to stop on request. We didn't have much of an issue as he certainly got a lot of that playing with friends and family, and during judo classes.

Biddulph insists on the importance of male role models for boys, but also mentions that if the father is not present, good male role models like teachers, family friends and other members of the family can provide that.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 21-Mar-16 22:43:02

if you have more than one boy, you have something to compare to. At least if they are very different you can notice.

I had to remind him that his mates parents may not be impressed with them getting sex ed from ds in the infant playground. grin He has known for a while. There is a picture book in the library called "where willy went."

we had another why are girls and boys different question tonight, though he knew all the answers when questioned back. <eyeroll>

pah, we do plenty of rough and tumble here.

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