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Help please, mediation. Advice appreciated.

(11 Posts)
Homely1 Tue 15-Mar-16 19:32:53

I have my first joint mediation session looming so that things can be discussed over child contact. How do j make it successful so that ex doesn't take me to court? I am dreading being in a room with him and listening to him. He's manipulative.

tinkerbella55 Tue 15-Mar-16 21:39:21

Hi, I have just had two mediation sessions in the past few weeks on contact re 2 infants. I thought best just to go in & be completely upfront & honest but in retrospect wish I'd tried to persuade the mediator of my side & make him sympathetic to me - may not always be possible but they are only human so can be influenced. My STBXH did this. I wish I hadn't cried (stereotype 'emotional' woman). I wish I hadn't said slighty regrettable/unhelpful to me things when angry as riled by STBXH. Best of luck.

starry0ne Tue 15-Mar-16 21:46:40

I think go and be clear about what is ok..Be factual and from childs point of view. I also think take notes in with you concerns..Things that might go out your head.

I took a list in of all the missed contact and his reason excuse ..He didn't like that one bit...

I did mediation and it broke down because my Ex was such a knob..Mediator saw this. I walked out in tears...Last time I ever saw him in my life.. He took 6 months to take me to court but then pulled out right before court date as he knew what would come out..

Homely1 Wed 16-Mar-16 06:50:39

Thank you very much. I am very afraid. Starry why did he not attend court, I would have thought that he would get some of what he wants. I am not sure how to persuade or what angle to use.

Fourormore Wed 16-Mar-16 07:58:26

You don't need to persuade or use any angle other than calmly stating what you believe to be in the best interests of the child.
Keep your feelings separate.
If you don't agree with something he says, calmly say you don't agree.
Good luck.

starry0ne Wed 16-Mar-16 11:56:03

He withdrew from court because he was never going to get what he wanted.. He was a risk to my child. Failed to attend contact regulary. Mh issues ... He was never going to get unsupervised. He also didn't really care about my DS..Just wanted to control me...

He went to mediation thinking he was going to get his own way... He was taking me to court assuming I would back down. I felt by this time a court order would be far better as he wouldn't maintain contact then it was done.

I think you have to consider your own situation though..Is your child at risk? do you have evidence...Courts deal in hard facts. Is what he asking unreasonable?
Do you have a compromise from your position.

Homely1 Wed 16-Mar-16 18:41:12

Oh goodness, I see.

HappyHedgehog247 Sat 19-Mar-16 14:09:49

I am now 11 months on from mediation and in final stages of court case. Don't let yourself be rushed. Know that you can always increase contact but it is very hard to change and reduce it unless your ex wants to. My Ex was having little contact at the time so we started with one day a weekend. It means I am tied every single weekend. There are other examples of things I would have tried to set up differently if I had known. Our mediator was pressing us to settle in the session. I wish I had taken some proposals away to think through and come back as an extra mediation session still Costs a lot less than court. Think in advance of what you think is ideally best for your DC and you.

Good luck x

RandomMess Sat 19-Mar-16 14:13:51

What contact would you like there to be and what does your ex want?

What do you think your dc would like/benefit from?

Homely1 Sat 19-Mar-16 19:33:39

It's really hard as there is always the pressure that he could take me to court and a court could order whatever. He wants alternate weekends but DC struggling. At the moment, it's just a few hours which I have increased. I'm not sure how DC would mange overnight. A timeline is requested - a rough one proposed but I just don't know until DC responds to every increase. I did say that I felt OK about it but truth is that I don't feel ok about any of it.

It's just that of ex does not like a move then it's court. A court, I guess, may not also
entertain all this building up. And you have to come across as willing to make progress

Homely1 Sat 19-Mar-16 19:35:39

Happy, how old are DC and what is the ultimate aim with contact. How comes the mediation and court?

It's sickening how they can pop up and demand

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