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Does everyone feel the same in the beginning

(9 Posts)
Kent1982 Mon 14-Mar-16 22:00:14

Hi all I hope I don't offend anyone but I want some honest opinions and a bit of reassurance.

I'm about to become a lone parent to a 9 month old. Things just haven't worked out, he hasn't stepped up as a dad ( all the talk is there but no action) I've really been doing it on my own the whole time whilst the ex carried on his life as normal. Some of the behaviours he has shown I just don't want baby to grow up thinking are normal. He just thinks I'm unreasonable. I'm confident moving out is the right thing to do, for me at least.

I feel so so sad for the baby, I'm scared one day baby will blame me for not trying hard enough, for not being able to provide the lifestyle ex can. I will do everything I can to try and make baby and ex have a good relationship but ex idea of what good is really isn't the same as mine. In short I don't know if I'm wanting advice or to be told I'm doing the right thing or if I'm just venting. I'm just crapping myself, it's all on me, what if I can't cope, why do I feel like a failure already. I had massive anxiety in pregnancy that luckily vanished after, I'm worried I might end up in a state again. I'm hoping some sort of magic single mum kick ass strength will come through.

can I have some positive stories to bull me up. I'm normally quite strong but I'm really starting to worry about the future for us

YouCantCallMeBetty Mon 14-Mar-16 22:15:27

Well I'm now 11 years on from where you are and I remember feeling lots of the same in the beginning. Still do now to a lesser extent. My DS tells me he's sad that his parents aren't together but understands that we are now both happier (I have a lovely DH who he loves very much). Those societal norms are very ingrained for me though so the guilt still rears its head from time to time. It is alleviated by the fact that my ex DP left us though, I didn't do the leaving and wasn't ready to as I didn't think we'd tried for long enough (DS was 10 mths).

Nine months isn't really a long time (although I know it feels like it when you're unhappy) and I don't have a view on whether you've done the 'right' thing but if you genuinely feel in your heart of hearts that you've given it everything you can (and have done a bit of thinking about what you could do differently or where you might be being unreasonable) then hold your head up and prepare for the ride. It will be amazing and exhausting in equal measure being a single parent but you'll get through it. Good luck.

Kent1982 Mon 14-Mar-16 22:30:16

Thankyou, the behaviour I argue about is quite bad drinking, some drink driving (I've spoken to a peso to report this) and spending very very little time with the child. It sounds so pathetic to say this because he doesn't deserve my efforts but I feel genuinely sad of all the things ex misses out on now and all the things he will miss out on in future, the little things.

Jesus I should have found a better dad what a bloody mess

BlackeyedSusan Tue 15-Mar-16 17:25:20

The best thing for children is for two competant parents to stay together and treat each other with respect. Unfortunately for some of us this is not possible. It is better to separate if the relationship is going to be more damaging to the children. growing up around violence or excessive drinking or abuse or just two people who can no longer get on together is worse than splitting up. better to have a happy, stable home if slightly poorer than the opportunities and all the crap that comes along with it.

also you do not know what sort of parent they are going to make until they are a parent. a few days in I found he was crap. (nearly shook the baby crap, reported to sc for smacking ds when he was little. )

also you do not always have the knowledge to know what a crap relationship is if you have had few or bad role models or lack of information about how bad things are. (which is why I had a second child with him)

BlackeyedSusan Tue 15-Mar-16 17:26:24

stop concentrating on the mess it is now and do what you need to do to improve it. channel that kick ass mothering instinct.

IamHappy1976 Tue 15-Mar-16 17:32:54

I could have written your original post! 4 years later my DD and I are doing great :-). I made sure to keep communication with ex and his family going and to give everyone as much "access" as they wanted and to play as fair as possible. Good luck - the good times will outweigh the negatives!

Claraoswald36 Tue 15-Mar-16 18:50:42

I never blamed my mum for not trying hard enough with my dad. Not ever. Especially not as a child. Hope that helps.

BertieBotts Tue 15-Mar-16 19:04:50

You'll be fine.

It is scary to begin with because suddenly it's all on you. But you've got this. Honestly. I've really been doing it on my own the whole time whilst the ex carried on his life as normal. You've said it there yourself. You know what you're doing. It's likely that once you get into the swing of things, you'll be amazed at how much easier it is without his dead weight pulling you down!

Yes you do sometimes feel sad about DC's father, the guilt of I should have picked someone better - but it's not your fault, really. We thought they would be alright or we wouldn't have been with them in the first place. Forgive your past self for making mistakes. Our judgement can't be perfect all the time. And really, it's their responsibility to be a decent father, not your responsibility to magically see into the future and predict it because you can't. With the best will in the world some people just totally surprise you. If there were warning signs there, then that just means that you had faith in him. More than he deserved, perhaps, but don't ever feel guilty for having hope and faith in a person. It was on him to live up to that. If he hasn't, it's his responsibility. Not yours.

starry0ne Tue 15-Mar-16 21:56:03

I left my ex and went into a refuge... Although tough and a lot of rebuilding.. The first night my DS slept so much better ( 10 mnths) because I was less stressed.

I found I wasn't walking on eggshells and I could get on with parenting my Child properly..It was easier without him in my life..

Doesn't mean sometimes it isn't tough.. but take up offers of help.. Do make sure if you are aware of drink driving it is reported.. IT may be hlpeful to you in the future in terms of I would be concerned about child been in his car.Also may save someone elses life

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