Contact for baby

[annie07]

Hello, i've a one month old baby and the father of the baby (who was a one night stand) is wanting contact. I've no problem with this, but i just wanted to know how often people think - once a fortnight? I'm really worried about him being with the baby without me there and I wanted contact to take place at mine - what do others think? also the father is wanting the baby to stay over with him and I've said no to this as I don't think the baby should have an overnight stay with him till much much older - i was thinking not till baby at least 2 years old - what do others think about this? and has anyone been in a similar position? any advice and comments appreciated as very very worried and upset about it all

[mamama]

Oooo, congrats on your LO

The visit should definitely be in your home with you present until you all feel comfortable making a different arrangement. I would have thought the father should visit as often as you both feel comfortable with, but once a fortnight at a minimum.

I think usually children under two don't have overnight stays, but I might be wrong on that. I certainly would not let my 15 month old stay overnight with his father yet.

HTH

[annie07]

Thanks mm, i can't sleep for worrying so back on mumsnet! As i said I thought contact at mine although I'd be deeply uncomfortable about having the father in my house, but I don't know where else the contact can take place. I've thought about having someone else there like a friend when the fathers there. im glad you feel the same as me about overnight stays - the fathers making me feel like a right cow for saying no to him!

[mamama]

You could have someone else there too or instead, if it made you feel more comfortable. Or, could you take the baby to his house or meet somewhere like Borders. I suppose anywhere would feel a bit awkward - at least in your own home you can disappear into the kitchen or something.

If he's being really demanding, you might want to see a solicitor & get a contact agreement drawn up so you both know where you stand.

Hope you work something out. Stop fretting & get some sleep!

[nikkie]

Def not overnight at 1 month old , my dd2 was 4 when she started o/n (long story but she didn't like xh).I would get a friend to sit with you/him if he comes to your house ,I used to do this too.

[brandy7]

hi

i have a 2year old son who has been having on/off contact with his father,only supervised by my mother or me in my home. ive told my solicitor that i still dont want him to have ds overnight and too be honest i dont think he wants him really its the sols pushing him. thats what hes told me anyway.wish he'd have the balls to tell them to shut up

a month old is way too young anyway. stick to your guns and let him come round once/twice a week for a short time. it is hard to have the ex in your home.ive hated it but now ive come to the conclusion that i have to put up with it to give ds a better life with a father in it and in the end i will get some time off

[controlfreaky2]

trust your instincts. if you feel what he is asking is unreasonable / makes you feel uncomfortable / isnt what you want for your baby then you dont have to agree.. does he have parental responsibility for her? (ie if his name is on the birth certificate he will have this automatically). if you are anxious about all this you might want to get some legal advice from specialist family solicitor. start as you mean to go on.... dont be bullied / pushed into things you later regret...... it's very early days for all of you.... hard enough to adjust to being a mum i would expect. have you got family and friends to support you? if so let them help. good luck. enjoy your baby!

[Judy1234]

There's no assumption a mother rather than a father has a child at all But assuming the child lives with you then put yourself in the father's position. Wouldn't you want to see the child every day. Would once a fortnight really be enoughfor any loving parent? How can you bond with someone you see every 2 weeks? I think contact at your place or at his mother's during part of a day would be good. I breastfed but did express when at work so I suppose whole days might have just about worked. If you aren't breastfeeding then that argument goes out of the window.

The main thing is always to put yourself in the other person's shoes. If he got contact now and said you can see your child once a fortnight how would you feel?

[annie07]

Am really upset by xenias comments - if i told you about all the manipulating and threats from the moment he found out i was pregnant would you want to put yourself in the father's shoes??? Would you have wanted to let your newborn baby stay overnight and have shared residence from 6 months (like he wants) with a man who is so irresponsible and immature its unbelievable, with a man who has made me cry so many times when i was pregnant, with a man who's genuinely not bothered about the baby but just wants a "trophy" to be able to say he's a dad and have the good stuff and not the bad stuff. yes in an ideal world more contact would be great but do the father's needs come above the baby's? No, the baby's needs come first as the law indeed says - stability and a calm environment are important and knowing that the father is coming around every day as you seem to suggest will result in me just going completely AWOL and not being fit to look after my baby. Ive read stuff you've written on other threads and really do wonder what planet you're from [very] Life just isn't black and white xenia

[annie07]

For the others who replied - many thanks

controlfreaky2 - he's not on the birth certificate and solicitors are already involved - he went to the solicitors when i was in very early pregnancy just to create a lot of stress during the entire time i was pregnant - i dont qualify for public funding but dont have enough money really for solicitors but refuse to be bullied anymore by him - it is hard enough cf2 being a new mum and on own

[Judy1234]

I don't know how you know how he will be with a baby though. He may be the best father in the world. How can he get emotionally close to and love a child he's not allowed to see much? Obviously I don't know you or him but I know a lot of fathers of new babies and they can be so good with them. Many look after them full time whilst wives work. I just don't see why because he's male he doesn't have the same rights to a relationshiph as someone who happens to be female.

[Judy1234]

Also surely it would be easier if you had time off to recover, get back to work to support your child etc if you were sharing parenting anyway as most people with small babies who live with their partners do.
I suppose he needs a blood test to establish he is the father first.

[nikkie]

Xenia- was that meant to be as insulting as it sounded?

1.baby is 1 month old annie may be on maternity leave
2.think she and he are cetain the baby is his, you are implying she is sleeping around without contraception

[annie07]

xenia - planet mars - "share parenting" - how many couples do you know who really genuinely share parenting and share household everything?

as nikki says, the baby is 1 month old, and yes im on maternity leave and have no plans to go back to work until baby at least 6 months

am intrigued xenia - are you one of these women who thinks that men are fantastic and are equal with women ?????????????? did you miss the bit i put about the father's threats, his bullying, his manipulation? am sure he may be a good father but im not EXTREMELY uncomfortable about him having days and hours with a baby and by the way you do not need to see a baby every day to form an attachment and develop an emotional relationship. I wanted others mums' advice on whether they thought once a week/twice a week/once a fortnight is usual etc - ie what are other single mums experiences - theres never been any question of contact every day - both solicitors ive seen have advised once a week is reasonable and both thought every day was highly inappropriate and laughed me out of the office when i first asked about it.

as for paternity, he's never asked for a blood test and has not asked to go on the birth certificate nor has he asked for parental responsiblity - he's not bothered about the baby - he's bothered about causing me as much aggro as possible

[controlfreaky2]

xenia. your tone is aggressive and confrontational. you appear to have ovelooked / chosen to ignore that op has said there was never a relationship as such between the parents. he was a "one night stand". more importantly that he has not behaved well towards annie to date. the baby is so young that it is unrealistic to expect to have major role as father if you have no civil relationship with the mother. any responsible father would realise that more than anything else mother and baby need to be supported to bond and get to know one another... establish feeding etc. your posts suggest that you are sputing theories about the importance of the father here without any thought for annie's particular circs.
annie. take no notice...... you are clearly calm and sensible. dont stand any nonsense, from the father or anyone else (xenia included)

[chipkid]

Annie, As the father of your child, there is a strong presumption that contact with him is in the child's interests.

You mention that the Court is involved. What will normally happen in these circumstances is a gradual build up of contact over time.

Initially with a child of this age contact would usually be with you present in some way-obviously you are the best person to settle a child.

It is believed that with a very young child contact should be frequent in order that the child becomes familiar with the absent parent. At this age it is necessary for the contact to be frequent (but not necessarily of long duration) in oredr for attachments to form.

If you have genuine concerns about his ability to look after your child alone in the vulnerable stage of development, it is likely an officer of the Court will be appointed to examine the situation and to make reccs to the Court.

As far as overnights-just depends on how things develop. There is no minimum age (although at one month he is dreaming!)

hope this helps

[chipkid]

that should read reccommendations to the Court!

[controlfreaky2]

that is sound advice chipkid.... and much calmer than my last post.

[Judy1234]

I disagree control. Just because the parents can't get on doesn't mean the father can't be a major part of the child's life. Just because she says he is difficult doesn't mean he is - we dont' have him posting her and even if he's awful to her that's no reason to deny a parent the right to a meaningful relationship with his child. Also anyone who loves their child wants the father to play a full part which in due course will mean over nights, holidays away, both going together to sports days, hopefully the child having a relationship with his parents, his siblings, cousins on that side etc. Doesn't matter whether it was a one night stand or not.

Obviously if he doesn't choose to be involved that's a different matter but he sounds quite keen if lawyers are already involved so he should be being patted on the back surely for his responsibility.

[Judy1234]

,,and men get over nights with children under 1 year although I accept he's not likely to get that at the moment but the sooner her intervenes and the status quo of him getting regular contact is established the more likely he's likely to get the contact later. The longer he leaves it the harder it will be for him to get meaningful contact.

[Pann]

Xenia!! Your myopia for a clearly very intelligent woman is astounding!

Annie isn't dealing with this concerned, besotted parent. Her anxieties aren't due to his gender. It's this specifice male she is worried about.

And 'supporting someone' doesn't include questioning their honesty, integrity and sexual conduct.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Xenia, I often wonder whether you get the words "tact" and "fact" muddled up.

I think, both are needed in equal balance on Mumsnet.

I mean - paternity test? FFS! Not necessary.

Annie - I gather that brief but regular contact is optimal for the child to form a relationship with another.

I appreciate that this must be incredibly difficult for you, but, this is a good opportunity for you to lay down some definite "ground rules" in exchange for your being seen to be "reasonable".

[UCM]

Sorry but I wanted to add this. Xenia posted after the OP's first post which didn't mention the abusive bit. So I think it was a bit harsh to have a go.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

UCM - I know what you are saying and agree to an extent - but Paternity test? Really? Even after Annie's response?

[UCM]

I know, and agree with you to an extent , just seems that she get jumped on every single time....>

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Ah well, tact and fact and all that

I have no issue with Xenia's posts, personally - except for that particular one....a bit rude imvho.