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19 months into this single parent journey and it's just hit me what it means

(11 Posts)
Mcyorkshire1 Fri 04-Mar-16 18:51:37

DH died 19 months ago leaving me to bring up Ds(5) and Ds(3) alone and up until now I thought I was doing well. The boys were in a good routine and were doing really well at school etc but this last couple of weeks I've felt more and more overwhelmed. The most ridiculous things seem to have me in tears including, rather stupidly, the fact that I will be the one to teach them how to shave. I know they have strong male figures in their life with family and friends but all of a sudden I seem to have this huge sense of responsibility resting on my shoulders and I can't seem to shake this feeling that I'm not doing a good enough job. Has anybody else struggled with this sense of responsibility and failure? Sorry, I'm probably not making any sense but felt the need to talk. In real life I give a good sense of coping well and don't like to admit I don't have it all under control so I think this is a good outlet!

holeinmyheart Fri 04-Mar-16 21:24:36

You poor thing, what a horrible thing you have had to cope with. Do you think you might have some sort of post traumatic stress syndrome?
Now there is a little distance between the death of your DH and your life has settled into some sort of order, perhaps you have more time to think negative thoughts?
Bursting into tears, lack of concentration, small problems being overwhelming, mmmm it would hardly be surprising after what you have been through, and are still going through, if you have mild anxiety and depression.
I think you should go to your GP and have a word with them. They are used to dealing with this sort of problem. Maybe they could point you in the direction of a group who are in the same boat.
Hugs, as you deserve them. You are a very brave person and I am sure that you are doing wonderfully well. X

Oldladyfish Fri 04-Mar-16 21:28:06

I can't imagine how tough it must be for you to have lost your DH and be bringing up the boys alone. the fact that you've coped this far shows how well you're doing. Blimey -- even if you're just pretending to be coping, that still counts as coping!

A few weeks of being overwhelmed sounds like a natural reaction to not having a partner to help you. I'm a total control freak and I loved getting everything sorted and being very on top of things. But doing it relentlessly after a year, after 2 years, the reality can become terrifyingly overwhelming. I've been on a real rollercoaster of being "totally in control" and then falling apart in a wobbly mess of angst!

I don't have any particular advice but just didn't want to leave you hanging (the lone parents area can be a bit sloooooow i'm discovering!). Maybe we're all so busy pretending we're coping (-: xxx

Trooperslane Fri 04-Mar-16 21:33:28

Oh love xxxxx

Girliefriendlikesflowers Fri 04-Mar-16 21:36:35

Go easy on yourself, its fine not to cope all the time and no parent is going to get it right all the time! You and your boys have suffered a massive loss and its going to take a long time to come to terms with it.

Have you considered having some bereavement counselling?

I am a single mum to one dd and used to feel a lot of guilt about the fact that dd is growing up without a dad. However I have had counselling and its helped me realise that I was punishing myself in lots of ways, none of it necessary really. I had to change my mind set and ease up on myself and also put myself first sometimes!

SugarMiceInTheRain Fri 04-Mar-16 21:43:51

I don't have any advice to give, but just wanted to give you a hand to hold and say it sounds like you're doing an amazing job for your two boys. I think it takes a long time for reality to hit and often by then, people around you think you are coping fine and aren't as tuned in to your needs as they are when you are first bereaved. Don't feel embarrassed about asking for help, from friends/ family, organisations for single parents and their children, and your GP if you think you may be depressed. All the best OP.

Mcyorkshire1 Fri 04-Mar-16 22:10:32

Thank you. I don't think I'm depressed, just very tired and resigned to the fact I suppose. We had another "reunion" at the school gates earlier today with a father returning from deployment. I was happy for them but also incredibly sad that the boys won't ever have that. And then of course I have the inevitable and completely understandable emotional fallout when they get home.

I did have a few bereavement counselling sessions soon after DH died and they were useful. I might look into some more, sometimes I think it helps just to realise you're not completely alone.

starry0ne Fri 04-Mar-16 22:10:56

My DS is been brought up without a dad but due to his absence not bereavement..

I have had times when it all seems so much..sometimes big things like signing consents in hospital, the overwhelming fear of picking the wrong primary school. The other day my DS had a bad dream.. popped him back to bed ..When I went to check on him he was covering in loads of teddys he was cuddling.. I felt so alone no one would see this vunerable moment in his life...

However.. You sounds like you have been doing really well.. Expect there to be tough times as there are for everyone and find the friends / family you can off load on flowers

holeinmyheart Sat 05-Mar-16 09:21:53

Mcyorkshire1 you are not alone, you have us, the Mumsnetters. There is a lot of warmth and loving feelings from us all, winging its way to you. Can you feel it?
I know being full of love and sympathy for you ( at a distance) is hardly enough to compensate for the loss of your DH, but I hope it makes you feel a little better.
Xxx HIMH, my sign in name , reflects something horrible that happened to me. The pain is always there but as the years go by, I cope..what else can you do? You will as well. '
You will survive' as Tina Turner sings. I am glad that you have support from your family as well, as that is worth a lot,

BlackeyedSusan Mon 07-Mar-16 23:03:04

(hugs) really hard in your circumstances. At least some of us are relieved to get rid of the twonk.

ex has contact but ds would not go to him with male related issues had to deal with it myself and sort out a trip to the gp.

also teaching ds about examining balls (thanks to the screen at the gp) but forgot about the teaching him to shave thing.

Mcyorkshire1 Thu 10-Mar-16 19:37:48

Thanks so much for the support everyone. This week has been a bit of a mixed bag with illness (me) but a positive parents' evening and yet I'm feeling a lot more positive generally. A lot of friends stepped up to help with the little ones when I was quite poorly and I think this has made me realise that we do have a lot a support in our lives and that I only need to ask for it (if I'm not too stubborn!!). Once again thank you for helping with my wobble x

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