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Not happy for ex to have baby over to stay

(9 Posts)
BettyBleue Fri 04-Mar-16 12:20:19

Hi, I seperated from my 8 month old DD's father about a year ago. He moved out when I was a few months pregnant, saying I drove him to it, as I suffered from pre-natal anxiety. Weeks later, he wanted to move back in, but I refused. I realised how emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling he was and how desperately unhappy I had been with him. Unfortunately he didn't take this well and is constantly accusing me of ruining his life, and has threatened to commit suicide because of the fact our daughter lives with me which is feels is completely unfair. It is clear that he hates my guts. His own father told me this was the case and said that he was shocked at the way my ex spoke about me.

My ex has a lot of emotional and psychological problems and I believe he may even have pyschotic tendencies, although I am no expert. He is terrifying when angry and has punched holes in walls and doors in our last home and also in my current home, however he has never laid a finger on me, even in his worst rages. His behaviour is often very strange and weird, for example he used to refuse to throw food away, ever,, and once tried to serve me vegetables that were rotten, that I had thrown in the bin. He once kept a dessert he had made in the fridge for several months and when I tried to throw it away, he went mad at me and ate it even though it was completely off. He has alcohol problems and an addiction to online gambling. He has driven drunk on a couple of occasions. He refuses to pay child maintenance (which the child maintenance service is following up although it's taking a very long time). My ex also has terrible mood swings. He would stay in a mood for hours or even days if I said the slightest thing that upset him and would ruin holidays and days out with his moods. He has always, always blamed me 100% for his behaviour saying it is me who causes his moods, his temper tantrums etc. and has never, once apologised for his behaviour.

Please don't criticise me for being with this man, I know how foolish I was staying with him, but I'm not the first or sadly the last to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I'll get to the point. My ex wants to have our
DD to stay with him overnight a couple of nights per week. My instincts are to not let this happen due to my concerns about his mental health and his irresponsible behaviour. You may wonder why I let him see our DD at all, if I am that worried about him, I do so because despite how he treats me, he is good with our DD when he comes to visit and I want her to have a relationship with her father, despite how he treats me. I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt her physically, but, he is irresponsible. I just don't feel comfortable with her staying with him overnight. She is so used to being with me, I think she would be very distressed and I can't trust my ex to bring her home or contact me even if she was crying uncontrollably.

Can I just ask if you think I am being unreasonable or unfair in not wanting our DD to stay with him overnight? I told my ex he can come here whenever he wants to see her.

Thank you

clashofclanswidow Fri 04-Mar-16 12:26:49

Urgh, I can see your dilemma OP! =(

You want to do the right thing by allowing her the father/daughter bonding time...

However, I don't know why everything about your post told me you would be doing the better thing, by not letting her stay over yet.

No one is saying you are banning this forever but I would be wary of doing it right now for some reason! I don't even know you but something about this makes me feel uneasy.

If he is used to seeing the child without the overnight stays, I would just try keep that going as long as possible personally

cestlavielife Fri 04-Mar-16 12:26:59

i dont blame you.

have you reported and had witness to all the violent behavior eg police have recorded the holes in walls etc as criminal damage?

if your ex goes to court and you have nothing on paper to say these things have happened you will be hard pressed to get a judge to agree with you.

otoh your dd wont be able to cry all night long - she will eventually fall asleep. so you cant just deny him overnight on the basis your dd might cry.

but the other reasons, make sense. but you need to stop him coming to your house if he smashes it .
if eh breaks and damages something eg punches hole then report to police it's criminal damage and abusive.

kaymondo Fri 04-Mar-16 12:39:23

A friend of mine has a similar situation. She refused unsupervised contact and overnights. When her exH went to court (which he only bothered to do when she secured a non-molestation order against him) he was allowed daytime contact but only if his DM was also present (my friend was comfortable with this as had no issues with the DM) and overnights only to be allowed if he undertook an anger management course. Nearly 2 years on, he's not bothered to do the course so still has no overnights.

In your situation there is no way I'd be allowing unsupervised contact or overnights. If he wants to go to the courts for access then I think a judge would appreciate your concerns, especially as you are not trying to stop contact, just to ensure your DD is safe.

cestlavielife Fri 04-Mar-16 13:08:03

a judge will appreciate concerns but they have to be substantiated with hard evidence.
so police reports of the damage he has inflicted.
psych reports etc

BettyBleue Fri 04-Mar-16 14:02:57

Thank you all for your advice. I didn't report the damage to the walls at the time however last year, I did contact the police about my ex as he kept coming to my house when I was out and refused to give me his spare key (he has now given it to me). I told the police all about his behaviour and damage to property so hopefully they still have it on record. They didn't contact him as far as I know. I am quite scared of my ex if I'm completely honest as I fear one day he might really lose it and hurt me.

charlybear7 Fri 04-Mar-16 21:54:48

8 months old is too young for overnights and the courts will see this!! Stand firm X

Dadsarentbad Sat 05-Mar-16 21:11:35

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Noteventhebestdrummer Sat 05-Mar-16 21:20:13

You do realise he copied that spare key before he gave it back ? Please change the locks.

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