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Should I tell my children's grandparents about them?

(5 Posts)
warmleatherette Mon 22-Feb-16 13:52:22

Long story short: I'm in a similar position to the woman in this thread:

...except that their father is involved. Sees them twice a week and pays a regular, though tiny, amount of maintenance. He was emotionally abusive when we were together, led a double life, had an affair etc. He is a compulsive liar and has never told his family about our children, who are now 6 and 7.

The children and I are in a good place now and are happy, but as time goes on I feel more and more strongly that it is wrong for them to be kept a secret from his parents and siblings. He claims to live with his family (at the age of 32!) and states that they would throw him out if they knew he'd been married and divorced with kids - meaning that he'd be unable to pay child support, as London rents are unaffordable. (His job is pretty crap and he's never lived alone, just cocklodged off girlfriends etc.)

He's also British Asian and the kids are mixed. They only see my side of the family (e.g. white folks) and sometimes seem a bit confused by the fact that Daddy is the only brown-skinned member of the family. I have explained that they have another side of the family but that Daddy isn't ready to introduce them yet. But at 6 and 7 it is clear that he is never going to be ready.

WIBU to pick up the phone and give his mother a call? (Her work number is listed on the Internet.) I'm tired of waiting and don't see why my children should be kept as a dirty little secret any more.

Or am I just poking a hornet's nest / not letting sleeping dogs lie? I don't know what to do. Help!

Pancakeflipper Tue 23-Feb-16 13:36:46

I guess you have to decide what you want from this.

You say you are and the children are currently happy and you are doing this to get back at him and cause issues with his parents then why bother?

But if you genuinely feel that the grandparents have a right to know about the children (are they really interested in that side of the family?) and you'd be willinging to encourage a relationship between you all if they wanted that (and to deal with the emotional outpouring in the initial stages from them and from your ex). Then think it through - but tell the ex.

Got to question the relationship he has with his family he can married, have children and get divorced without them knowing and he 's currently living with them.

warmleatherette Wed 24-Feb-16 15:59:18

Thanks for the reply pancakeflipper! XH lies about everything so it doesn't surprise me that he's kept me and the kids secret from his parents. (And I know I was stupid to go along with it but I believed him when he said that they were strict Muslim and wouldn't like him being with a white woman.) I would like the children to have a relationship with that side of the family - though of course, I've never met his parent or siblings so I have no idea whether they're nice or not. Part of me just wants to be honest in all areas of my life now, instead of living a lie. I feel proud of my kids and not like they should be hidden away like something shameful. And it feels as though telling his parents would be the end of this veil of lies, secrecy and abuse that he has woven around us for the last 10 years. But I really need a mother-in-law?

Sunshine87 Thu 25-Feb-16 09:22:22

I think if you going to make contact you have to be aware of the coinsciences of your actions. They may be amazing or if what your ex has stated is correct that they don't agree with mixed race relationships then they might reject a relationship with the grandchildren. I would just be prepared for either scenrio to happen. I do agree they should know they have grandchildren. I wouldnt like it if my son had children i knew nothing about.

starry0ne Fri 26-Feb-16 21:12:46

Personally I would leave well alone...

You have no idea what kind of people Grandprents are but you could be opening up a real can of worms..

If they ask tell them to talk to there Dad about it.. You don't need to make excuses for him..

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