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Ex - conrolling behaviour & wont give me childrens passports

(12 Posts)
Pinkfox Sun 21-Feb-16 15:54:25


Pinkfox Sun 21-Feb-16 16:56:22

Am really hoping someone can help or let me know of any organisations who could, ive had enough now sad

Background - I left my EH due to mental abuse, he was controlling, manipulative, lied and left me at rock bottom. This was 7 years ago, we have 2 DC who are now 8 and 9, BUT he is STILL trying to call the shots & holds me to ransom over everything, ie having the children additional days/nights, I ask him but he is in a position to say NO and often does (he has them every other Sat night plus 2 days a week for 3 hours after school) - the children live with me.

I have asked him for the children's passports so I can book a holiday, but he wont give them to me, he sent a note home with the kids with their passport numbers on them - I sorted the passports out so he could take them away for a week last year - although he paid for them, which is why he feels he can withhold them....The note said he will give me the passports when I am ready to go away - but im not risking booking and paying for a holiday while he is holding the passports!! Why not just send the passports home with the kids instead of a note?

This was the reason I sorted the passports out because I was wary of giving him the birth certificates and everything would be done in his name -I also didn't think this was right as the kids live with me. I have never stopped him having the kids and didn't have a problem with him taking kids away last year, as much as it killed me cos it was their first time on a plane and going abroad.

In the note he also took the opportunity to write nasty comments, which im used to and expect BUT im beyond fed up of it now, its constant and I have put up with it because I have to for the kids sakes but they are starting to notice things, my DD esp - and I don't want them to think its "normal" to put up with - the whole reason I ended my marriage while they were so young was so they weren't brought up around it.

Im finding I harder and harder to put up with, I feel like im back in the horrible dark place I was 7 years ago, I blocked him from my phone due to abusive text messages, so now he resorts to notes, im not responding anymore but in his mind he takes that as me being "defeated" when really I just CBA with his drama and BS and am not the person he used to control anymore!!! Sorry this is a long post, any advice, etc appreciated!!

Thank you x

nephrofox Sun 21-Feb-16 17:00:36

Agree it's all about control.

Poison pen letters are illegal - you could speak to police and get them to send someone round for a chat?

For the passports, can you tell him you've booked a last minute trip so need them at next handover. See what happens

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 21-Feb-16 17:23:09

If not report them stolen and apply for copies - you now have the numbers !

Pinkfox Sun 21-Feb-16 17:54:48

Thanks for your reply, the passports is obviously an issue but its the control aspect which I have had enough of, its horrible and as much as I try not to let it affect me, it does sometimes - I didn't hesitate to let the kids go away with him, I didn't make it difficult.

He will want to know where we are going, when, what time, etc - exactly what p*sses me off cos he isn't bothered about knowing details when the kids need clothes, shoes or uniform etc, even if I told him it was a last minute thing he would say "no im not happy with you taking them there" and will still keep the passports.

I think my only option is to cancel them and get new ones then let him know the ones he has are void and he will kick off - if I have to do that I will and he wont have my consent to take them out of the country again.

He has told me he is taking them away in April in this country - but when he had them for 3 hours one day last week, he took them to a travel agents and made enquiries about Spain & got brochures, when the kids asked him if that's where they were going he just smiled at them and didn't answer - so he messes with their little heads too which I cant deal with - prob knowing they wil come home and tell me, that's how he operates. But I am now concerned that he's told me he's taking them away in this country but now im not sure?? Why not go to the travel agents over the weekend when he hasn't got the kids with him??

Just drained with it all sad

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 21-Feb-16 18:04:53

Do you have a court order in place? Does it need revisiting?

You need to be a bit more strict - no Wednesday isn't good - no we can't swap Saturday for Friday etc

You don't have to explain anything to him - where when etc - it's not his choice - you need to build it up!

Pinkfox Sun 21-Feb-16 18:17:24

We don't have a court order, his days and times with the kids was all decided via solicitors/mediation, all on his terms (shock). He does have the kids extra days during school holidays (4 days in total during 6 week holidays!), so he COULD/CAN have them on Friday nights but if I ask him to have the kids on a Friday & Saturday night, he says NO - always some excuse.

Yet he can text me to say he's away for 10 days....and that's it, doesn't ask or discuss, strangely it falls across HIS ONE Sat night to have the kids, so I have the kids for 3 weekends in a row. Im just really tired of it all after 7 years

starry0ne Sun 21-Feb-16 18:20:22

Can I suggest call women's aid for advise.

My Ex I used to hand up on him when he was been abusive a then refuse to pick up...He loved the fight..

Are the hours in court order..I would follow court order to the letter...

Don't ask him to have kids out of these times..He is going to say no and feel smug.

I would inform him unless they are in your possession after the next visit you will report them as lost... If he then plans to take them abroad in April that will panic him..

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 21-Feb-16 18:59:20

Well you need a court order - it will state holiday overnight Christmas and school holidays - etc which you will both have to stick too - ignore all abuse - he loves the thrill - get tough

I will report passports lost if not here this week - stick to it and do it!!!

He will need to re arrange the passports himself for his holiday!!!

Pinkfox Sun 21-Feb-16 20:35:46

Thank you! I have unblocked him just to ask politely for the passports to be returned by the end of the week - I haven't said more than that but if not here by next weekend I will report them lost and apply for new ones and he can go swivel!!!

He will be fuming and his retaliation then will be cancelling any extra days he is having the kids (it is worked out between us in Jan for the year, its taken 2 months of battles to arrange it and he's already refused to have the kids an additional 2 days later in the year). He thinks he is doing me a favour everytime he has the kids and has never lost that mentality in 7 years!!

He also still doesn't seem to have figured out that im not the person he manipulated and controlled years ago, I will always find a solution and a way round his stupidity, ive come too far to put up with his shit anymore - I just hate that the kids are involved and they are his only way to get to me and it worries me cos ive worked too hard to shield them from how sinister and twisted he is sad

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep Sun 21-Feb-16 22:05:01

offer him the children on the days you want. if he refuses, reply thanks I look forward to the extra days with them. confuse the fuck out of him.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 21-Feb-16 22:31:48

You shouldn't chase him for dates - you have to make them available but not force him to have them or arrange it for him - his job

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