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Relationship help please for a single mother of two

(11 Posts)
Kjsinglemum Fri 19-Feb-16 16:37:44

Relationship help please for a single mother of two i'm a single mum of two and since my divorce I quickly met a guy who turned out to be lovely in every way except for that he will not live with me. I have two children he's great with and they love him, however he will not commit to living together permanently unless he keeps a house for himself just in case? He thinks I am being pushy after three years and and that we have the perfect relationship as it is, I must admit it's all perfect apart from the fact that he needs this get out clause? We are together 99% of the time but he just won't give up his house. Am I wrong to be worried? It is such a touchy subject that he finishes with me whenever I get down about it, he thinks I am pushing him. He says it may happen one day but I've got all the teenage years to get through yet?

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RudeElf Fri 19-Feb-16 16:41:31

He wants to date you, he doesnt want to be a parent to your children. He is being very clear here, you have to decide whether that is the relationship you want or not. If not you need to end it.

Kjsinglemum Fri 19-Feb-16 16:43:23

I'm so confused? Is this as good as it gets for single parents, I suppose it's no one else's job to parent my children? I just hoped we could live as a family unit

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Kjsinglemum Fri 19-Feb-16 16:44:22

I admire your honesty and thank you for being so frank

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rusticmeadowwildflower Fri 19-Feb-16 16:59:38

It is as good as it gets for this relationship; do you see it as a bad thing?

RudeElf Fri 19-Feb-16 17:02:10

No its not as good as it gets. There are men who do want to parent their partner's DC. I am a lone parent and met a lovely man who just got stuck right in with my son. (We didn't work out for other reasons)

But this guy that you are with doesnt want that and thats ok. Not everyone does. If you need to be in a relationship where you are parenting with your partner then this guy isnt for you and you should let him know and end it.

Kjsinglemum Fri 19-Feb-16 17:39:59

I'm trying not to see it as a bad thing but I can't help feeling massively rejected

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Kjsinglemum Fri 19-Feb-16 17:40:30

Surely I come as a package with my children and it's feels like he doesn't trust the relationship to work

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OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Fri 19-Feb-16 17:41:43

Would he consider living with you and renting his place out? Is it a financial thing for him to keep a property, or because he wants to keep it as a separate place for him to go to when he wants time out?

goshnotme Fri 19-Feb-16 17:53:58

Does he mean that he wants to keep an empty house for him to run to whenever he feels like it, or does he mean that he wants to keep a house as a financial safety net should your relationship not work out (in which case presumably he'd rent his house out)?

The latter might be understandable - has he been in a relationship before where he lost a lot financially in the break-up?

I understand that you are hoping to be a family with him, but being a step-parent can be very hard, and being a step-child is also hard, and maybe he's seen a few of those relationships become quite difficult during the teenage years? It's all too easy for a child to throw the 'you're not my dad' card down on the table, no matter how much love the step-dad has invested.

Hope you can reconcile it and reach a compromise.

Kinderegg50 Sat 20-Feb-16 18:07:22

Hi there, I think your partners views on this do not mean he isn't committed to you or even that he doesn't have any feelings towards your children. I think in the modern world we live in, this isn't a bad way to live! I would never have said that a few years ago before my son was born though. Now I'm a parent and have gone through some of the stresses of relationship break up I feel differently.
If you had no children it may be different for this particular guy. For him, it may be all about the security of having his own home still and a place for him to be totally alone when he wants. I wish I had held onto my property when I met my son's father, when it didn't work out I lost out and still do financially as a result. I'm sure many guys would want to be hands on with the kids and be a family unit, but for this guy, it may not be what he wants. Yes, he has to accept your children and I would be concerned if he ever showed them anything but kindness and respect. But, it doesn't mean that he has to get stuck into the day to day parenting if he doesn't feel comfy with that. I personally would not want to be living with another man's children. I love the intensity of what I have with my son, I couldn't handle dealing with someone else's child, and I'm a mother.
Just giving you another perspective. To sum it up, it doesn't mean he is a bad guy or suspect because of his preference for living arrangements, particularly if everything else is right and feels good. It all depends on how much it means to you to be all in the same home and whether it's a deal breaker.
I think the arrangement you have is quite healthy and I can imagine this could reduce some of the stress put on some step family relationship's.
Hope it all works out for you :-)

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