Wanting to move 140 miles away

(29 Posts)
skye33 Tue 09-Feb-16 17:04:08

I am currently in process of separating from my partner. We are not married and we have a 4 year old daughter together. The house is his and he pays all the bills but I have been paying monthly towards his mortgage for the last year and before that when I started work again I paid an amount monthly off his mortgage for a couple of years but nothing towards bills. ( an agreement he was happy to do as he earns double what I do and has no car or fuel to pay as he gets them through his work ) I had to go back to work on a lesser part time contract so I could look after our daughter. He always said the house was mine too but of course now we are separating that is not the case.

The problem I have is that Im struggling to afford to move into anywhere half decent round where his house is ( all I can afford is a one bed flat with no garden ) There fore I am considering relocating 140 miles away to where my sister lives and her family. I can afford a 3 bed house there with a garden and my sister would help with child care and school pick ups while I am working. ( I need someone who can have my daughter overnight as I work night shifts )
The main reason for moving is so I can afford a decent house there. He has said that I am ruining my daughters life by moving ( she hasn't started school yet she starts Sept ) and that I am taking her away from him and his family. ( my family are dotted around the UK and I moved to his area when we had our daughter where I knew no one )

He wont help me financially at all to try and stay in the area and I feel so at a loss as what to do. ( he also said he would leave his current job if we split so he wouldn't pay me maintence but think that was just a angry knee jerk reaction to me saying I wanted to leave )
I am currently still in the house separate bedrooms but its getting bad with the tension and arguments and don't want my daughter to witness it all. Basically AIBU to move away ? He is suggesting I leave my daughter with him at the house and I go and live in a one bed flat ? I have no problem with giving him full access for whatever weekends and holidays he wants and will drive half way to meet him. He does however work 6 days a week and every Sat as has a day off in the week so makes the weekends harder for him. How much rights does he have to say he will keep our daughter living with him rather than with me ?

Quoteunquote Tue 09-Feb-16 17:29:45

You don't have much choice if you can't stay in the area you are in.

Having a great support makes a huge difference in being a successful lone parent.

Would he consider relocating also?

skye33 Tue 09-Feb-16 18:25:33

That's exactly what I am hoping Qouteunquote, as having my sister and her family will be a huge support for us. He would never consider relocation. I understand it is not ideal for him but If I cant afford on my part time wage to live somewhere near him then I really feel I don't have much choice. He just keeps saying Its not his problem as Im the one leaving. He says that Im not putting our daughter first by moving away.

starry0ne Tue 09-Feb-16 18:41:54

I would say do it sooner rather than later... Defintely before in school..He will have more of an argument...He can take you to court to stop you moving but he would have to argue it is not in your daughters best interest...

Also he isn't going to give up his job he would loose his house

skye33 Tue 09-Feb-16 19:04:43

yes I think sooner is better as the living together but not together is not healthy for our daughter to see either as very toxic. I didnt think he would take it to court but he seems so angry Im not sure now

Quoteunquote Wed 10-Feb-16 10:13:46

Well don't assume anything and get some expert legal advice.

Fourormore Wed 10-Feb-16 10:21:05

He doesn't have rights - your daughter has a right to have a relationship with her father. You say you'll be generous with weekend contact but then say weekends will be difficult for father to be there for her.

Have you checked entitledto to make sure you're getting all the help you're supposed to be getting? I doubt he would quit his job (how would he pay his mortgage if he did?). Silly thing for him to say.

A court could make you do all of the driving if you move away.

3xcookedchips Wed 10-Feb-16 11:44:57

I love how there are women on here are conspiring to remove a father from a child's life, and are more concerned with the Mothers feelings, all because she wont have a garden!

starry0ne Wed 10-Feb-16 11:49:56

I don't think anyone has suggested removing father from the life... Mum is primary carer ( not because she is female but he works 6 days a week). It is not the lack of a garden it is support for mum so she can work more.. One bedroom is not sustainable..

It is the childs best interest to do it before school...

3xcookedchips Wed 10-Feb-16 14:04:06

Defintely before in school..He will have more of an argument...He can take you to court to stop you moving but he would have to argue it is not in your daughters best interest...

Quick, get in there make sure child is removed 140 miles away before he can do anything about it or have a say...thats conspiring to remove father from childs life...

No one has suggested why it's the childs interest to move 140 miles - only in the mothers interest, and only in her interest to move fast.

This thread is all about the mother.

skye33 Wed 10-Feb-16 15:40:46

It's not about removing my child from her fathers life. I can live without a garden (!!) just thinking of her having an outside space to play in and not having to share a bedroom with me. Her father leaves the house at 6.20 am every morning and returns at 7pm from work he has one day off in the week and works every Saturday and every other Sunday. Therefore by me staying in the area also doesn't mean he will see her much more than if I live further away as he is not very involved in her care at the moment anyway. Admittedly he does get to see her before she goes to bed but this is usually 5 mins. It's not as if she has all this quality time with him and to be honest when he does have a Sunday off he tends to ship her off to his parents or goes and stays there so he can go out they look after her. This is a factor in why I'm not feeling like I'm taking her away as in fact she would probably have more time with him as I assume he d make more of an effort with the times he d have her if she wasn't in the doorstep.

I want minimum disruption to my daughters life which is why I'm hesitant to make the move but without any financial help from him ( even after I have been paying towards his mortgage over the years we ve been together ) I cannot afford more than a 1 bed flat in a block in an area that I'm not even from and have none of my family around me.

My work for an airline also means im away on trips for 2 to 3 nights sometimes. When these trips fall over half terms or holidays he / his mum will be having her so will mean she gets regular time with him then as well. I will only be flying every 6 weeks for a 3 week period so the rest of the time I can be available to pick her up and drop her off from school or my sister can do it if I'm away in term time.
I would rather stay close by to him as it would make life easier all round but sharing a bedroom is not ideal. I know that in this scenario I would be in a bad position too as he would say that he has the house with the space and garden for her close by so she should be with him which he has already said to me.

ilovewelshrarebit123 Wed 10-Feb-16 16:19:17

I did this, but I moved 270 miles away. DD was 18 months old.

He did nothing to persuade me to stay, he was to interested in OW. So I decided it was best for both of us to move nearer to my family.

He comes once a month sometimes more to see her. Has her school holidays etc

I'd have liked to have stayed down south but I couldn't afford it either. We're really happy, so I say do it.

starry0ne Wed 10-Feb-16 16:20:42

The thing for me in this post is.. the support... The hours he works he cannot possibly provide the childcare needed.. Children who start reception are often exhausted after school..

It sounds like he wants her rather than you rather than thinks he can provide more

VoyageOfDad Wed 10-Feb-16 16:48:42

He's still the father of the child and his opinion counts as much as the mother's.

Unless the general consensus is that fathers are lesser parents.

NRDAD Wed 10-Feb-16 19:30:12

Have you spoken to your local council to see what your housing benefits rights are and what you council housing rights are ? As you dont own the house i think you would be classed as homeless. Also have you spoken to your ex to see if you stay in the area will he be willing to change his work hours for more custody of his child ? I think you will find most fathers will if they are given the chance i would. He is her father after all and she has a right to a equal relationship to him as well as you. You say you need the support for when you work but could you not get that from him and his perants. I dont think moving that far should be your first thought. Imagine if he moved you daughter that far from you.

skye33 Wed 10-Feb-16 20:36:18

The support aspect is important and my sister would be able to pick up her up from school and drop her off when I'm working whereas he would only be able to do that on one day week the rest would be breakfast club after school club. Although admittedly only on the weeks I was working. His mum lives 45 mins from us and picks up his sisters child from school also cannot offer any help in that respect. I want to buy a place as have some savings for deposit they I had before we met so wouldn't be entitled to any housing benefit as even if I rent I'm not eligible because of savings. I have looked into all of it. I asked him about finishing early reducing his hours he said no way he would do that although he did threaten leaving his job entirely to avoid giving me maintenance.

skye33 Wed 10-Feb-16 20:39:45

I hate the idea of her having to do 12 hour days too as like starrry one said she ll be exhausted. If his hours were different the whole scenario would be different but I still struggle with the one bed flat living in a town that I have no family and an only in because he lived here.

skye33 Wed 10-Feb-16 20:42:54

Glad things worked out for you welshrarebit123 moving up north. I'm from the south and it's a big move for me too. He has threatened leaving the country too to live abroad so part of me thinks if I did stay in his town he might up and leave anyway if he fancied it too.

VoyageOfDad Wed 10-Feb-16 20:50:15

Well obviously you need to weigh up what is best , but keep in mind that you may end up having to travel 560 miles every other weekend for the next 14 years.

feelingthechill Wed 10-Feb-16 22:20:42

Hi there, I've been in your situation and it's very difficult to weigh it all up. Like you, I was faced with either staying in our local area ( expensive SE), only able to afford a 1 bed flat with poor schools nearby, or make a big move to a cheaper part of the country. I now live 150 miles away from my ex, but we're closer to family support (including both sets of GPs) and he sees our 5 yr old DS supposedly every 2 weeks. It's not perfect but it works, just about. The downside is the driving, and think about whether you have friends to stay with if you do the drop off and collection. We generally take it in turns. However, my ex-DH was pretty abusive during our split though, and in our 20 yr marriage, which made it a more clear cut decision for me as I felt he wasn't genuinely concerned about our welfare, how we lived, or what our future held etc. What I'd say is that I had a lot of threats to prevent me moving e.g he wanted to take out a prohibited steps order against me, but his solicitor pointed out I wasn't moving abroad, and it was up to us to work it out like adults... I also got a lot of noise about him going for 50/50 custody etc etc, even though he showed little interest in sharing any childcare responsibilities.. All common themes, but nonsense really. Anyway, the reality is that he met someone else after 2 months of us moving away, and he has also repeatedly changed the weekend arrangements, or cancelled them, because he has other plans. I'm not saying your ex will be the same of course, but it has taught me you have to think about your own life, and that of your child - they come first. When you're going through the split, emotions run high and it can be easy to get tied up in it all, but think about the long term. Personally, I'd say go for the move. It's tough on your own so help nearby is very important so you get some back up, and cheaper living will make things easier and nicer for you both. Good luck.

skye33 Sun 14-Feb-16 20:27:49

Thanks feelingthechill sounds like you made the right decision then moving away. My ex is not abusive but shouts and swears a lot at me at the moment about why I'm leaving ruining my daughters life my life etc etc so wearing me down now. I've made the decision to leave bit am still in the house he owns so very hard. The moving up north is a huge thing for him it is 140 miles away and I know it's far but if I can't afford anything decent here then I feel I have no option as I said in my earlier post. The support from my sister is a massive factor too plus the fact I can buy a decent house of my own for us to live in. I feel incredibly guilty at the moment and he is just feeding that guilt every night with the things he saying to me. He said tonight I don't f... ing want you here now either but your f ing mad moving up there .... Blah blah. He takes no responsibility that he has played any part in our relationship breaking down and the fact that it's me moving out means all the blame for ruining all our lives lies with me. If I could buy the same standard of place here even without the family support of my sister I'd stay for him to be closer by but I can't. It's hard enough trying to make the move up there without the attacking from him all the time. Where we are moving to is not a particularly prosperous thriving town and there's a reason why you can buy a house so cheap but I hope we can make a good life there all things considered and eventually things will settle down and we will all adjust to the change. Feeling so anxious about it. Trying to be strong for my daughter but he's making me feel so bad. He just said to me you ll live to regret this and see how you f... Ing get on in that shithole of a place your dragging my daughter to ...

skye33 Sun 14-Feb-16 20:36:15

I also feel that he is very likely to be the same as you mentioned your ex was re changing weekends and plans as his football or nights out / in do tend to take precedence even now. He has threatened that he may leave go abroad too as he lived away before so I do feel that any decision I make has to be for me and my daughter too rather than just what fits with him. Emotions are running high and I didn't expect it to be easy but it is worse than I imagined by a long shot. It's not like we are moving abroad and I haven't met anyone else so thought that would make it easier to accept. I have no idea how it will pan out up there and feels like such a risk. If it were just me it d be fine but I have so much more to consider....I dread that he may be right and it could be an awful move to make but without doing it I'll never know.

SecretNameTime Sun 14-Feb-16 20:52:08

140 miles is a long way sad Is there somewhere a bit closer? Perhaps you could consider an au pair for wrap around care?

skye33 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:34:05

I know but anywhere closer is just not going to work as reason moving there is for child care too from my sister and her support. Au pair good idea but not feasible really unless I was in a 3 bed house an the closer to the south I am the less I can afford. Plus the thought of setting up home somewhere I know no one is ideal pretty daunting. Even 10 to 15 miles away I'd struggle to afford anything decent

skye33 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:35:09

I just wish he would work with me a bit more in trying to find a solution so we can stay closer but he just says I need to move out and leave her with him.

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