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Leaving an upset toddler with ExP

(12 Posts)
Lovelilies2 Sat 06-Feb-16 19:30:46

Advice needed please.

I have split up from DS's (2y1m) dad. He has kept 'the family house', I'm staying at my mum's with my DD (10) until our new house is ready to move into in a couple of months. This all happened a couple of months ago.
Ex P wants DS 3 nights a week. Recently DS has started to cry when he realises I'm not staying with them. Tonight, in the car, when I told DS he was going to stay with daddy tonight, DS said 'No! Daddy work, I stay mummy's house.' (He is used to being with daddy when I'm at work 2 days a week).
When I left him he was very upset. Surely this isn't what's best for DS? There isn't a court order or anything in place regarding contact, we've arranged this ourselves.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I told exP that DS wanted to stay with me tonight, but he didn't say anything. I've tried jollying DS along with 'you can play cars with Daddy etc etc'.
I really don't want to mess up DS. I'm happy for him to be with his dad, just not happy to 'abandon' him when he obviously wants his mummy 😟

VoyageOfDad Sat 06-Feb-16 19:39:20

My dd sometimes used to get upset when i turned up to pick her up at that age.

She'd be right as rain 20 mitres down the street. Sometimes she'd get upset at the idea of going back to her mums.

I think its fairly normal.

What does your XH say ? Do you have other concerns ?

WhiteBlueDaisies Sat 06-Feb-16 19:42:31

What if DS starts crying when his Dad is bringing him back to you? And ExP said that he "doesn't want to abandon him because he obviously wants his Daddy"?

How is DS after you leave, does he settle quickly?

If he's a good Dad then I think in the long term its best for DS to have a good relationship with him. It's new for all of you, he's just adjusting.

I understand how upsetting it must be though.

Lovelilies2 Sat 06-Feb-16 19:53:08

There have been other issues between me and ExP, he was EA to me and my DD. That's why I left.
Always been a reasonably good Dad to DS tho, kind, feeds him, responds to his needs etc.
DD's dad refused to have any relationship with her, sadly, so am hoping DS and his Dad will have a good relationship.
Regarding how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. I don't know. It hasn't happened. Maybe it will one day.

BlueBlueBelles Sat 06-Feb-16 20:23:04

Kids do this. They do it when left at nursery or school. When left at other parents. I'm sure if he continued to be upset you would know.

But 3 nights a week sounds a good balance for him with his dad. I'm sure the crying won't last.

Kinderegg50 Sun 07-Feb-16 10:50:01

I just feel so sorry for kids in this situation. I am in the same situation. I have had alot of upset and at times it has been so distressing I don't want to let him go. However, he has come back having had a great time with dad and said I don't like your house to me once. I just laughed it off as it could have been worse.
Do you personally feel happy with the three nights at dads? If you have a problem with it then it may be coming out somehow in a subconscious level. I personally feel that it would be so much better for kids if they can remain primarily in one main home and see the other parent but without so many overnight stays. I can't imagine the impact this splitting between homes has on kids. I'm not criticising by the way as I'm in the same position but we have less overnights. I think it would be much better if your little one could see dad without uneccessarily always being overnight. But, it depends if you work, need a break and a whole host of other pressures single mums face sadly. In the beginning I felt I needed a break and the overnights worked but as my little one has got older and more able to communicate I see it is really distressing at times being split between two homes.
I haven't helped answer your question but really understand how you feel.

Kinderegg50 Sun 07-Feb-16 10:51:39

Neccessarily not uneccessarily - typos!

Lovelilies2 Sun 07-Feb-16 17:23:02

Thanks for all the replies.
I will try and have a chat with exp and see if he'd be happy with fewer over nights but still have the days.

VoyageOfDad Sun 07-Feb-16 17:39:57

If it were me I would be quite unhappy with that suggestion tbh.

BlueBlueBelles Sun 07-Feb-16 17:46:06

Be prepared for him to say no. 3 overnights a week is not too many, and it won't take your son long to stop being upset.

Lovelilies2 Sun 07-Feb-16 19:32:38

Yeah.. He didn't agree sad
Will just have to see how it goes..
He's come back all happy. So that's good.
Suppose will just have to fine tune drop offs/ pick ups to minimise upset

Kinderegg50 Sun 07-Feb-16 21:05:08

Voyage ofdad, totally understand. I would feel I had the raw end of the deal I'm sure if I was a father.
Lovelilies, I'm sure you wouldn't feel bad if your little one wasn't upset. I only started struggling with it when my son started screaming saying he didn't want to go overnight. I guess it really depends on how the little one is doing with it all. Good luck with it all.

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