One MESSY situation!!(18 Posts)
I'm new to this board. I'll try and keep the last two years as brief as I can. Here's my story...
I'm 36 years old. Got pregnant in Apr 15. Partner (42, no previous marriage or kids) of just under a year (friends before that) was ok at first.
Decided in July 15 he didn't want to be together.
Heart broken throughout whole pregnancy.
He made very little effort. He's living with his mum as she's now disabled and he helps her out.
I told him I was moving back to home town. If he didn't want to be with me, I needed somewhere to get support. Ask him if he was ok with it, he said he was and would come every weekend (gone from 10 mins away to 40 mins away)
We had an argument one day over his lack of input during pregnancy then that was it.
Had baby son, very traumatic pregnancy and birth. Had stopped contacting ex as was all one way. If he wanted to be involved he should do off own back.
Sent him letter when DS was 4 months old asking if he'd like to meet him, plus sent photo..No reply!!
Went down CSA route a couple months after and we get £67.10 per month, what a joke!!!
Distressing at his lack of response and interest, I approach his sister and ask if she'd like to be involved. She's delighted and her and her mum (DS grandma) start to see little one.
All is ok, they are embarrassed by ex behaviour and attempt to involve him. He's having non of it. Didn't say why so there's no closure for me. Got in touch with his family so my DS has some relatives on his dad side.
In November, DS rushed to hospital with suspected meningitis.
Ex' s Sister comes and my family too.. In hospital for 5 days. I'm so distressed, thought my son may die. Say to ex sister please pass a message on to ex... If he doesn't get his arse to this hospital i will personally find him and kill him (he's never met son at this point)
Ex comes next day for 10 mins, as soon as he comes the sister takes me out of the room. The ex mom had told the sister to do this but didn't explain why.
Ex goes home, goes mad at his sis and mom and says they are interfering and keep out of his business. He's clearly mad cause he feels guilty he's let son down.
The next day I end up having a row with the sister and she says she wants no more contact with us.
I'm hurt, confused, distressed., You name it.
DS comes out of hospital thank God and is OK, wasn't meningitis in end.
Phoned the mom and said apologise for me to the sister for arguing with her, was very stressed at time.
The sister has taken all photos of my son off FAcebook and deleted me as a friend. After call to the mom, sister friends request me again. I accept and ask her to a couple of events with me and my son, she ignores my messages and after two weeks I then block her.
Confused frustrated all over the place, I then wonder if the mom and sis are trying to keep me and ex apart.
So I go and see ex. There was no apology for his behaviour, he just rants on about how awful his sister is. Says to me that he told them he didn't want to be involved although they could. He didn't even ask how our son was. He said he went to hospital just to let little man know he's in his thoughts (,big of him hey!) But my son ended up crying after spending a few minutes alone with him.
Even though my ex was being cold towards me when I went to see him, i still gave him all our details if he wants to be in touch (leaving door open for my son to have a dad).
He said he couldn't come for a coffee with me.
I said, look I don't even have your phone number as you changed it. He says you can get me on Facebook (what a twat)
I messaged him on Facebook two weeks later and asked him to meet for a coffee... No reply.
No word from him, his sister or mom.
Nothing. The presents the sis and mom got for DS they never sent in end.
So it's a dreadful dreadful situation.
I'm trying to come to terms with it. I do the best for my DS but I sometimes struggle.
I feel very very lonely at times.
I can't believe this was the man I fell in love with. He was such a decent guy, a family man, really caring. God knows who this dead beat is now.
He couldn't even put in an extra bit of money for my son's birthday or Christmas.
I felt let down by him but now anger at his family for giving them a chance and getting it thrown back in face.
This is their only blood son, nephew and grandson. What's wrong with them??
I've got no answers, never did have, just silence.
Daunted by my son growing up fatherless really stresses me out at times.
Anyone been through similar or can give advice or support.
I have an ex like this. The best thing I ever did was disengage and expect NOTHING. You cannot make them or him step up.
You at this stage are clearly just hurting yourself...Him and his family have decided not to engage for what ever reason...
Focus on the people who do want to be involved and supportive...
I have been in a similar position... You will feel happier to disengage... You can't understand it so don't try....
You can't make him want to be involved.
It sounds like you were rather demanding/dramatic with his sister and even his mum.
Sad that because of their feelings for you they've abandoned the child but it's their loss, really.
I think you need to accept that they're never going to step up and get on with your life. Then, down the line, you won't be relying on them or feeling let down all the time.
I'm in same situation. DD doesn't know her other side of family at all, they aren't interested. I don't get a penny and I'm just glad they are not in our lives and we can do what we want.
If that is the case, why not still send him the presents or even a card for birthday or Christmas. That doesn't have to involve me.
I even said to my ex if you want to see your son without me being there, thats fine.
All I actually said to the sister was I need to discuss medical stuff with his dad first. Then she deleted me, took all photos down of DS and said no more contact...personally I think THAT was a dramatic reaction on her behalf.
You trying being in a hospital when he could die and the father does nothing. Would LOVE to see how you would cope!!
Pregnant in April 2015 and your DS was in hospital November 2015?
I have coped several times with a sick, hospitalised child and dh's family who didn't give a shit.
No need for the aggression.
There was no need for your initial rudeness.
Feel sorry for you, you sound like a very bitter person.
Sorry, I meant pregnant in Apr 2014 then he went in hospital November 2015
Unfortunately you cannot make them love your DS nor make them involved in his life.
Having had similar from PILs I can understand how let down you feel when people don't prioritise their own flesh and blood but given how strange and childish their behaviour is it sounds like you are both better off without your ex and his family in your lives.
I'm not bitter!
But if you're this angry and aggressive in real life you should work on that instead of focusing on anger about people who don't want to know you.
They are the ones missing out in the end (as I said up thread).
OP I can see that this must feel really frustrating, sad and unfair for you and your son. But regardless of what has happened in the past it is clear that this man and his family are not going to be a positive influence on your son. You have made every effort to encourage your ex to be involved, but he is clearly not interested.
I think it's time for you to cut ties, accept the situation (unfair/ wrong as it is), and move on in giving your son the best life possible.
Why didn't they send a card? Because they don't give a hoot. When you face up to that you will actually feel relieved.
Jenna with the kindest of intent you are angry at the wrong person...You are trying to make people who don't care , care about your Ds....
I have also been in hospital with a child with a life threatening illness so yes it is tough...However it hurts far less when you realise that you are doing it on your own... Mum and sister have split loyalties and not many go against there own child.
My ds father is like this.
Everyone still goes on at me about chasing him for money etc.
My reply, and best advice I'd give you is "chasing someone who ignores me only serves to make me stressed and angry. The best thing for me is accept he doesn't want to be involved and enjoy positive time with my lovely DS."
Look to the future and stop chasing the past that might have been. It really is empowering
youarent thats so true. An old boyfriend said to me 'you'd be so much happier if you just stopped chasing him to be involved' my ex ignores me too. He was right and the load immediately lifted. Even when I have been skint or the children have been ill I have been less stressed than I ever was when I was chasing him to step up.
My now partner, when we met just couldn't understand this and why I didn't pursue him. He does now
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