Court order!

[charlybear7]

Just wondering if anyone has any advice for me please?

I've been in court twice discussing child access. On the last hearing I presented my ex with a schedule to which he agreed. However I've since received a letter from my ex's solicitor stating he would like a court order put in place the hearing date in 3 wks time to go ahead to put this in place.

His solicitor has put together a schedule to which they would like being made into an order but it's completely different to what we agreed last time!!

I'm so fed up of my ex playing games and can't quite believe what he's doing.

I feel like I'm being very reasonable and was even praised in court last time by his solicitor. I'm stating that he sees the children 1 day in the wk and every other wkend with 1 overnight stay. He now wants overnight in the wk and 2 nights on the wkend.

Can anyone please advice me what will now happen in court as he's clearly gone against what was previously agreed and now wants an order put in place for something totally different. He's even changed the day on which we agreed he'd see the children!!

I'm dealing with an idiot and what ever I suggest he disagrees with!

Tia X

[Lonecatwithkitten]

How old are the children? Are there good reasons for them to only have one overnight in a two week period?
If there are no reasons to have concerns about overnights how about offering every other weekend Friday evening to Sunday evening, meeting somewhere in the middle.

[charlybear7]

No concerns, just thought that one night every other wkend was a good starting place!

My children are 5 yrs old and 8 months old!x

[Fourormore]

Perhaps respond pointing out that their proposal isn't what was agreed and offer a counter proposal of 2-3 months at 1 overnight per fortnight rising to 2 overnights EOW?

[anyoldname76]

Unless theres a backstory to this, look at it from another point of view, would you be happy to only have your children overnight once every 2 weeks?

[peggyundercrackers]

Agree with the others,what you have offered seems a bit paltry, maybe he accepted it thinking he couldn't get anything else? I wouldn't be happy with that little access.

[Mumknowsbest6]

What your ex is requesting does not sound unreasonable, it is important your children have adequate time with him as part of their development.
You do not need to go to court for a court order, this can be arranged between your solicitors to avoid additional court fees. The court order will provide you both with peace of mind and also once the document is in place your ex will have no ground to play games.

[charlybear7]

Maybe you're right! Maybe a court order/contact order will be best for me and my children. What I don't get though as if/when he breaks it what then happens? He's in the forces and goes away sometimes with very little notice. So far he's asking for 28 days notice for any changes but I don't see how that's work for him!

I thought one day in the wk not overnight for a reception school age was recommended?! I'm happy to move to 2 nights at the wkend once my children are happy with 1! I think I'm being reasonable!

[Fourormore]

Usually the contact order means you have to make the children available and not that he has to have them. Certainly he wouldn't be penalised if he was working away in the forces.
Your children are too young to have their opinion taken into account. Overnights are perfectly fine for a reception age child.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

The only person the court would restrict is you Charly as the resident parent as you would have to make the children available for contact. As the Non-resident the court does not force your ex to take up contact.
Mutually agreed contact can be better where you can achieve it as neither of you is tied to an inflexible order.

[Sunbeam1112]

My ex has one midweek access and one overnight at the weekend..plus a week of holiday access. I would aruge that you require your time to be able to do activities due to him being at school Monday-Friday. I said this in court and they understood the need for me to spend a day off a week with my DS. I do wish my dex would pull his socks up with term time holiday access as it can be struggle to get my DS looked after whilst i been at work. So DS went to my parents.

[charlybear7]

So if I agree to 3pm to the next day and he goes away what happens to the children as I'm at work til 1800? Single mothers are screwed, financially, socially and the contact order is only one way! I feel this country is goi g crazy!!

[charlybear7]

Sunbeam is the contact in the week overnight and how old is your child? My ex has agreed to half the holidays but I have a feeling if he can't do his half then I'll have to sort it!!

[Fourormore]

I suppose that's a common problem when another parent is in the forces, whether you're together or not? Does he regularly get called away at the last minute? If so, raise it with his solicitor and ask what his proposal is for that sort of situation.
You could say he had to find alternative childcare if it was on his time.

[Fourormore]

If he's asked for half the holidays and then can't do it then again, the court won't force him to have them but you can apply for a variation to change to order to something that reflects what actually happens.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

i would say stick with the one overnight at the weekend but include the midweek one. that way he gets to build a relationship with them and then can have two overnights as the 8 month old gets bigger.

it sucks having to let them go, but then it also sucks for him only getting onenight. that is the reality of shared parenting in a lot of cases.

[charlybear7]

I'm guessing once I get my head around and it and 'let go' I'll find it easier. Also I'm bitter that he just left them (baby before he was even born) and now is out to get what he wants, when if he'd thought about them in the first place things wouldn't be so messed up like they are!

[Fourormore]

Blackeyed, are you suggesting 1 weekend night every week or every other week?

OP, you need to separate your feelings from this. I get it - my ex had someone else pregnant within weeks of us separating so I know "bitter" well. Perhaps try and see it as your children getting to have a relationship with their father and perhaps it's better that it ended when it did and they're too young to know different rather than it happening years down the line and causing much more upset.

[charlybear7]

Yes I'm glad he's shown the person he really is now as you're right, it might have done more damage if the children were older! I just feel my ex is not even thinking about the needs or feelings of our children and I'm naturally trying to protect them and not let him walk all over their impressionable souls.

I just want what's right for my children and I want to protect and nurture them as much as possible. I feel a parent who puts themselves first and leaves them out of the blue isn't even on the same page so hence the conflict!

[Bubblesinthesummer]

You could say he had to find alternative childcare if it was on his time.

You could but I doubt very much if a court would agree to that.

It isn't a case of he can't have DC because he is working late or on holiday.

[charlybear7]

I don't see why I should have to pay for childcare when he's away with work on his agreed day when he has the children?

I'll end up having to pay childcare even when he has them as the times he can't have them the nursery and after school club won't keep the place open!

I could look to find a child minder who 'might' be more flexible but why does it fall to my responsibility when it's him that's causing the issue?!

[Funinthesun15]

Maybe he would pay for the extra childcare.

I know it is frustrating but if he has to go he has to go. It isn't like he actually has a choice.

[charlybear7]

He does have a choice! He could choose a job to fit around seeing his children just like I chose a job that is as childcare friendly as possible!

I'm horrified at how the single mother has to bow down to every wish and command these selfish men set!

[Fourormore]

You don't, though, and that mindset is probably making things feel much worse.

You have raised a genuine concern - it's reasonable to propose he arranges/pays for childcare when he is not available on his days, especially if you know you won't be available til 6pm and he therefore can't rely on you being there for them. I wouldn't mention him changing to a child friendly job though - if every parent did that, we wouldn't have an armed forces, NHS etc. It won't go down well.

[Fourormore]

*I would also raise that he can't just rely on the nursery/after school club as they don't reserve places for infrequent use.

[DontCareHowIWantItNow]

He does have a choice! He could choose a job to fit around seeing his children just like I chose a job that is as childcare friendly as possible!

I understand your frustration I really do, but he is in the forces. He can't just jack it in.

As pp said if everyone did child friendly jobs there would be no emergency services etc. Unfortunately life isn't that simple.