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Absent father for 5 years now Possibly wanting contact...

(7 Posts)
danniicee Fri 05-Feb-16 22:03:32

Hi everyone,
I am just looking for some guidance or advice as I can't seem to find anything relatable online.

My son was born in 2010 when he was 1 his father and I split up after he cheated several times.

Anyway he asked for him 2 hours one day a week at that point which I granted. So I would take him to his dads and then collect him. However, my son had extremely bad allergies and on one occasion he came home covered in a rash and scratches. When I confronted his father he explained that he had a cat and couldn't keep the cat away from son at all times. I didn't find this acceptable as he knew about sons allergies and so asked for him to see him somewhere else. Communication between us at this point completely broke down as I received a lot of abuse. So from that point the matter was dealt via lawyers. He was offered contact on several occasions by my lawyer at several locations. However his father wanted a contact centre which i was to pay half for. My lawyer told me not to agree to this on the grounds that other locations had been offered along with his own family members. His father from early 2011 dropped all contact and stopped communication with his lawyer.

Its now 2016 5 years on and I've been told by a "friend" that his father has been telling people that he wants to see his son again and will fight for him.

I am really just wanting to know were i stand with him getting any access to my son. He has declined contact in the past and hasn't been involved with my son since he was 1. My son has no idea who he is and I am worried how it would affect him if his father follows through with his plans.

He is also on the birth certificate.

Thank you in advance for any help

Thisismyfirsttime Fri 05-Feb-16 22:29:31

Men like this who are prepared to walk out on their kids and have no contact are often full of jabber to all and sundry about how they LOOOVE their kids, they want them, they're going to court for full custody (!!) etc etc. Makes them look good to friends/ potential girlfriends. Have you heard anything from him? You put 'friend', is this person someone who would hear and pass on his bullshit as opposed to someone who is telling you he's had a change of heart and has decided this recently?

VocationalGoat Fri 05-Feb-16 22:44:51

Worry about it when you get a court summons. Until then, don't sweat it. These guys are Father of the Year. They'll carry on about being a father to anyone, anything... a fire hydrant, a post box, you name it, they'll be there with soliloquy in hand, banging on about their child and their amazing role as a deadbeat dad. I know. I was with one who walked out when DC1 was 6 months old. I won't bore you with my history.

But one day, I got a summons and that started the process of contact. DC1 was 4 years old when he started seeing his father in a contact centre for several months... then outside the contact centre until eventually they had the occasional overnight. Once the court was no longer involved, dad became lazy again. He's f*cked off many a time and disappears into the third world for months on end. He's currently 'living' in Thailand with some Thai lady he met three months ago. Before that it was India.

DC1 will be 14 the end of this month and has hardly anything to do with his dad. It's not sad. It's a relief. But guys like this are all talk... they have the biggest, most bad ass Best Dad trophy on the shelf. It's all bravado and a beard for how irresponsible they really are as parents.

Unless you get a letter summoning to the family courts, then don't give it a second thought. And even if that happens, it's a long process. Definitely ask that they see each other in a supervised contact centre though IF you end up in court.

VocationalGoat Fri 05-Feb-16 22:54:04

I have to say OP... and I stand by this, these guys should never see their kids. It just confuses the child. I think my son would be a much more peaceful kid had his dad never come back into the picture. It's not that he's this horrible, mean dad. He's not. But it's worse than that... he's a tease, a 'fake' dad, full of false promises and botched deliveries and it hurts and confuses my son. The kids learn not to trust adults, not to believe in their parents' abilities to follow up on promises made. In other words, it makes a child who has previously been at ease in his world become uncomfortable... rekindling dead relationships with parents who couldn't give a toss introduces instability and reveals the sad truth that you can't trust the parent who walked away from you, ever.
The court appeals to the rights of deadbeat parents and dresses it up as 'parental responsibility'. But not once has my son's dad been responsible. He's never supported him financially, emotionally, academically, or shown an interest in who he is. He just wants the "I'm the Daddy" t-shirt and the accolades that go with that. And we're left trying to keep it all together, trying to minimise the confusion that these kids are left to deal with in the wake of the court's stupid decision. Deadbeat parents should never have access.

danniicee Fri 05-Feb-16 23:08:08

Thank you for all your comments

Its comforting to know I'm not alone with this situation.

I don't think my son could cope with the situation well if he was to follow through. He has a very stable home at the moment with a routine etc and I wouldn't like anything to disrupt that let alone allow someone to drift in and out his life.

Yeah 'friend' in the sense that its a person who has him on Facebook and told me he had plaster all his LOVE for his son all over it and how he was going to fight for his son who he misses dearly.

Funny you have mentioned about a girlfriend as I according to the 'friend' he's also got another one recently who has children of her own. So i don't know if this sudden exclamation of LOVE is related to this.

I just hate how I am always portrayed as the bad person who uses her son as weapon when its nothing like that in the slightest. People are so easily drawn in by him. When the truth is it was him that walked away and I've got the letters to prove it.

I haven't heard anything from him which I'm hope is a good thing. I just pray for my sons sake and stability that he has only be talking himself up.

Homely1 Fri 12-Feb-16 22:45:55

Totally with you vocational goat. My DC father disappeared too but now is looking to be DC father.... Has got solicitors involved for contact. Acting very serious about DC.

starry0ne Sat 13-Feb-16 17:39:43

Someone once said to me...You never hear a absent father say.. I am crap father.. I let my DC down over and over again because I chose the pub/ latest girlfriend / football over my own child..

I agree with other wait for contact from him before worrying.

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