Someone please tell me this gets easier

(7 Posts)
Mamapotter2008 Mon 25-Jan-16 13:23:46

He walked out three weeks before Christmas. He left it to me to tell our 7 year old daughter. I slipped up (was in total devastation mode), and when she asked me why I did this, I burst into tears and told her I didn't want him to leave, I loved him and wanted him back.

I told him do what you will to me, but please don't hurt her. So he moves 200 miles away, tells me he has no interest in shared custody and the most he can see her is once a fortnight. I offer to buy her an ipod so they can facetime together. I told him it's very important that we don't set up an expectation he's not prepared to meet (the theme of our marriage), so if he doesn't want daily phone contact with her, say it now. He says it's a really good idea to get the ipod, offers to contribute towards it.

I buy the ipod. When I ask for a contribution towards it, I get told buying her an extravagant gift is my look out. I dread what comes next.

He dutifully keeps up his fortnightly contact and expects a star for it. The phone contact starts to fall apart in week one. I'm out with her at one of her regular activities, and he texts to say that unless we come home for him to talk to her immediately, he won't be able to talk to her because he's going out. I beg him to wait just 15 minutes. He doesn't.

Last week, the only day they talked was on the day she has no activity. The other days, he sends her a text saying he can't talk to her because she's too busy.

Yesterday they talked and I heard him tell her that if she wants to talk to him, she shouldn't be so busy. She asked him why he couldn't talk to her later in the day. He told her he has the right to go out.

She told me that she thinks he should go out a bit later so they can talk, and that she hates calling him in case he doesn't want to talk to her.

Other gems:

"I faked loving your Mummy" - she now worries that he faked loving her.

"Love isn't forever" - she wonders when he will stop loving her.

"You should get over this by Christmas, it's Mummy's fault if you don't" - said a week after he walked out and just two weeks before Christmas.

She is extremely angry with him, and no matter how much I reassure her, she is convinced he left her. This anger does not have an outlet, so she's shouting at me and the cats, and last night at bedtime she was throwing things at me in a fit of rage.

At the same time, I'm dealing with a high conflict divorce, where the man who told me he loved me 6 hours before he left seems to have a wish that I'll just curl up and die. He's using finances to control me. There's a whole tonne of crap over the behaviour I tolerated from him in the marriage and my self esteem. And I'm trying to move on with my life and find a way to be as financially self sufficient as possible, as quickly as possible, because although I should get some spousal maintenance, it's taking so much energy to get it, that could be better spent on myself.

Most of the time I want to run out of the house screaming. I am so worried about my daughter.

charlybear7 Mon 25-Jan-16 14:00:59

It will get better because I'm sure you agree it can't get any worse!

Your ex sounds awful and you and your daughter are best off without him. Very sad for her but he's showing his true colours.

Constant reassurance to your daughter that you love her and will never leave her.

I know it's so difficult. My ex left when I was pregnant with our 2nd son and the last year has been hell but I'm in a better place emotionally that I can now see things a lot clearer. That will come for you too when I'm sure you get over the shock departure of your ex.

Speak to your gp and maybe ask for counselling for you both but certainly your daughter.

Tell her it's none of her fault and that she's your little star and always will be. Hug her when she gets angry and tell her it's ok to be angry. Everything she's going through is normal for any child in her position.

You'll both come out the other side stronger. Just hang in there X x

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 25-Jan-16 17:21:20

Oh Mamma now you post more it has so many similarities to what happen to my DD and I.
I am four years in now. Calm, consistent parenting reminding my DD that I will always love her no matter what is the first thing. My DD had counselling at school through play therapy and it did really help.
There is no magic wand she is angry, sad and scared and almost certainly does not have the vocabulary to explain how she feels.
On one hand she will be angry with you for letting happen ( I know you didn't, but she is only 7) and on the other hand she will be terrified that you may go to. She will be pushing all the boundaries to see if your rules have changed and also to test you to see if you will leave.
Have thanks and brew and come here and post regularly. It helped me talking to others.

Mamapotter2008 Mon 25-Jan-16 18:19:00

I've tried so hard to get play therapy in place for her. No joy so far. School don't seem at all concerned. The 0 - 19 team are offering just one session with her. I'm hoping they'll agree she could do with play therapy. Any tips on making sure that happens would be greatly received ☺️

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 25-Jan-16 20:00:41

Mama school sorted it all for me, but that may have been because ExH had an affair with another parent whose own DC was less than kind to mine.
Even with play therapy it took years of calm consistent parenting to get to where we are now, I was hit,kicked, physically and verbally punched. Sadly ExH still partakes in very subtle emotional abuse of DD and if make sure she knows that she is not responsible for his happiness. There were times when I thought I lived in a soap opera.

Mamapotter2008 Mon 25-Jan-16 20:03:49

Goodness me, I know the feeling. If needs be, there'll be something I can go without and I'll arrange it.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep Mon 25-Jan-16 20:15:56

point out to her that if he has the right to go out, so does she.

tell her it is not her fault. many, many times, then some more.

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