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Should i leave my 2yo daughter with her dad?

(17 Posts)
Amy214 Sat 23-Jan-16 14:11:06

My ex left me when i was pregnant and never bothered until she was 4 months old, since then he has barely been involved he didnt pay for her until csa threatened him with legal action so now he pays £32 a week which is fine i dont want anymore money, he sees her for an hour a week with his mum (granny) but for the next 2 weeks he wont be able to make it due to 'work commitments' this happens every so often then he doesnt see her for months on end and expects to waltz back into her life and everythings fine, i have said that if he is consistent then he can take her for an hour or two without me but he wants to take her all day and overnight 'like a proper dad should' i said if that happens i want to see where she would be living and who is living with her (his girlfriend) i would be completely open with him meeting my boyfriend if he wanted am i wrong for wanting that? He has driving convictions, speeding and driving whilst under the influence so i dont want her in the car with him i said i would drop her off and pick her up, this causes arguments i dont know why im still not comfortable with her leaving and staying away for hours shes never been away from me before and shes still scared of him, everyone keeps telling me to let her go even if she is scared of him and that she'll get used to him eventually, should i let her go?

hownottofuckup Sat 23-Jan-16 14:18:10

I think it's perfectly natural to feel that way, whoever your DC is with you want to be happy she will be happy and safe with them.
I think taking and collecting makes sense, knowing who she is with makes sense, and doing it on her terms makes sense so shorter visits building to overnight stays.
If he doesn't agree i'd question if he was capable of putting her needs and happiness above his own.

I don't think you are asking for anything unreasonable. If he doesn't like it suggest mediation. If he refuses he could always try taking you to court, but I think they'd expect him to have been open to try mediation first.

This isn't about him, it's about DD having the opportunity to have a relationship with both parents, it needs to be on her terms not yours or his.

starry0ne Sat 23-Jan-16 14:29:53

I think you need to find a way through the months absence...How old is she now?

Contact should be built up... but not from nothing to overnight.

Amy214 Sat 23-Jan-16 14:33:13

Yeah he just thinks its crazy to want to know where she is at all times and who she is with because they are his friends and i should just trust him, we were involved with lawyers before and when access was mentioned he stopped going to his lawyer so the case got closed, i have mentioned mediation before but he didnt go to his intake appointment so i cancelled the whole thing and forgot about it, i sometimes ask myself why i even bother with him but shes his dad so i dont want to cut off any contact

Amy214 Sat 23-Jan-16 14:35:19

Shes 2 now i get more and more worried about what she remembers like if she remembers her dad not showing up one day so i never tell her if hes coming

hownottofuckup Sat 23-Jan-16 14:40:16

I do that too, I don't build up their expectations so they can't be disappointed it's just a nice surprise if/when he does.
However, they have an established relationship with him and he tends to come and see them in their own home, plus their older. So it's a bit different from him turning up out of the blue (as far as DD is concerned) and wanting to take her off.

Tbh, from what you've said he doesn't sound all that serious about actually putting in the time and effort required right now.

hownottofuckup Sat 23-Jan-16 14:41:12

Sorry I hope you can make sense of that post, it sounded OK in my head!

Amy214 Sat 23-Jan-16 14:46:34

Yeah it made sense hopefully he grows up before its too late i'll just keep offering visits once a week and let it build up slowly but i dont expect to see him for a while now as hes disappeared again

Borninthe60s Sat 23-Jan-16 14:52:39

Absolutely not.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 23-Jan-16 15:08:34

He's disappeared or he's working?

Amy214 Sat 23-Jan-16 16:10:23

He says he is working but its always the same excuse and then i find out hes been in a fight or hes out drinking all the time, last time he disappeared he was in hospital because he had been stabbed no one told me anything, he couldve died and i wouldnt have known a thing

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep Sun 24-Jan-16 00:37:40

it is in dd's best interests to build the contact up so that she is not scared of him. he needs to work at it and be consistant.

certainly let him do all the arranging contact offer him set times and let him organise himself to turn up. he does not sound like he is the best influence for her. he does not sound safe with his driving either.

record all the times that you have offered contact and mediation and let him take it further if he can be bothered.

Scarletforya Sun 24-Jan-16 10:24:29

Fighting and drink driving? And she's scared of him.

I'd be really hesitant OP.

He thinks you should just trust him, I really don't.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Jan-16 10:32:40

It's totally fine to want to bet who she's with. Sadly I don't think you can demand it.

He sounds like a totally shit parent and I can absolutely understand why you're hesitant

Amy214 Sun 24-Jan-16 21:38:41

People often wonder why im so worried all the time but i always get the same reply just to trust them and everything will be fine

Bedsheets4knickers Sun 24-Jan-16 22:06:48

From reading this I wouldn't let her go . She's your baby trust your instincts . I don't think you would of posted this thread if u trusted him to take care of her properly . Don't be railroaded into doing something you are not comfortable with . She's too young to voice her own thoughts . She needs mummy to make decisions that will keep her safe x

Amy214 Sun 24-Jan-16 22:12:02

I will only let her go when she can talk properly, and old enough to understand then thats when i will feel slightly comfortable

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