Over nights with dad for 2yo DD

[CinnamonBunYou]

Ex left me before DD was born. He left me for OW (I've posted about him and the situation not long ago). He didn't see DD until she was 7 months old and then asked to see her and because it wasn't on his terms he threatened me with courts and said he was guaranteed 50/50 custody. I stuck to my guns and did what I thought was best for DD and built up contact slowly. She's now two and he sees her 3 hours a week if he can be arsed despite me asking him if he wants more time. Always blamed work.

He sees the things he's bought and how he has progressed in his job as a more important factor of being a parent than actually building a relationship and spending time with his child. He thinks a judge will see how he has a job, a family with money and a car and grant him custody and won't care if he has a relationship with DD or how much effort and time he has put in over the past two years. He says judges are now bias towards fathers and are more in favour of giving a father custody over the mother. He thinks it's his right to see his child and I should do what he wants. He is also very charming and manipulative and thinks he can charm a judge into giving him his own way like everyone else in the world does.

I know a judge doesn't give a shit about mum and dad or their feelings or material possessions and only cares what the child wants and needs and where is safe and stable for them. I know a judge will do what he feels the child is entitled to and will only care about the childs rights and not the parents. I know a child has a right to a relationship with both parents and I encourage this.

He's put DD last on his list of priorities and put OW, his work and his social life before her since she was born but now he's settled and got a house and a new job. He seems to think this means he can just start having her overnight every weekend.

He's also told me he will be working weekends still in his new job and that his contact with DD won't change and will still only see her 3 hours a week. This means he will be at work all day whilst OW looks after DD. I don't agree with this at all. If it was him being there and we agreed on set days and times and I knew he would stick to the agreement and not pick and choose his weekends then I would definitely think about it.

DD has never slept out and she's not a good sleeper anyway and wakes up more than once a night crying for me. He isn't wanting to have DD because he thinks it will benefit her, he is doing what he thinks he is entitled to and what is best for him. I know the stay overs would be like his contact and be if and when he can be arsed and it's not fair on DD.

I know a court would grant him over nights but I am refusing to let him have her over night just for his girlfriend to look after her. (His 20yo girlfriend who once had DD when he was supposed to have her without me knowing and taught DD to say 'mummy is a bitch', so yeah I don't really want her left alone with DD). If he took me to court and got set hours and over nights etc, I know he would not stick to them and he would see any court order as a guideline for him and he would see it as something that I had to stock to but he could do what he wanted. At the moment I put my life on hold to wait around for him to decide when he wants DD just so she can see her dad so a part of me hopes he does take me to court because then I would know what I'm doing from one day to the next. I rearrange plans around him all the time and he says he can't have set days or times but this is what a court would order and I don't think he understands this.

I have told him she isn't ready for over nights just yet and will wait until she understands a bit more and can say if she actually wants to sleep out.

Aibu?

[Marilynsbigsister]

No. IMHO (and we have spent over a decade going through the court process for Dh to have reasonable access/contact with his dcs). Most men who 'threaten court' are talking bullshit. Keep putting your DC first. Keep all communication to email/text. Save everything. Do not let your dd be looked after by his gf.

[Sanityseeker75]

You are right that IF he went to court (and he would need mediation first before it got to court anyway) then he in all likelihood would get over night and whilst I know how upsetting it may be once dates and times have been agreed it is not really up to you who he has around or looks after her when he is not there.

Lets face it though if he is that feckless he isn't likely to follow through on the threat anyway so you may as well keep doing what you are doing until he forces your hand.

[CinnamonBunYou]

I am going to let him have overnights eventually when I know DD will be ready but they will be on a weekend and not during the week like he wants. I'm not disrupting DD's routine and life just so he has his weekends free.

I know he can have who he wants around her but until it's a court order I am refusing to let this 20yo girl look after my child for him. I asked him to have her this week and he's ignored me after complaining he can't go on living only seeing DD 3 hours a week

[russetbella1000]

Please let him 'take you to court'...the court process will take ages and you lo will be much more able to deal with time away from you & the court will take account of the status quo so far which is that he has had sporadic/inconsistent contact...They will eventually order prob every other weekend 1 night then 2 BUT let him start the process formally as you have tried to arrange consistent & regular contact with him for the sake of your daughter but he has not proved himself....

It's simply a power trip and in that case not anything to do with your daughter. You have proved your worth to your daughter he is merely claiming his rights-let him take the legal route. And don't worry about solicitors etc...I self represented, basically spoke to say my name & obviously that I'd never stopped/never would stop contact and it's all pretty standard from there... Good luck

[CinnamonBunYou]

Thank you russetbella1000. How long did the court process take for you?

He lies continuously! Told me he was working weekends still so I tried to arrange a way for him to see her on his days off but he didn't want her on his days off. He said he might still be able to see her like he was before and would let me know so I am basically still putting my life on hold like I have for 18 months waiting to see if he wants DD or not. Then he said he wasn't working weekends and wanted DD to sleep 3 nights during the week to have his weekends free and that this was his right as a father. He has no rights, DD is the one with the rights but he can't seem to grasp this.

Now hes threatening with getting 'half custody' as he calls it, of a child who is in a routine and who he barely sees through his own choice so she has no bond with him.

He won't have set days because he wants to be able to do as he pleases and have me wait around for him so I think a court arrangement would be a good thing for DD and for me. I think he will shoot himself in the foot going down the court route, so I hope he does go through with his threats.

[Homely1]

I'm in the same situation...

[russetbella1000]

Only just seen this sorry...It took about 7 months to get to directions hearing (first hearing) then a section 7 was ordered (due to past 'recreational' drug use)...so it was about a year overall before a very gradual contact process was started eg 4 hours every 2 weeks, then 6 hours etc etc. Now contact is standard EOW. Communication is fine but very limited and strictly based on info/facts regarding my daughter ...All the best.